Dreams

By Michelle McKague

Disclaimer- The characters of Buffy belong to Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, Mutant Enemy, and The WB.

Author’s Notes- Cordelia reflects on the dreams she used to have about Xander and the future. Set after Lover’s Walk. Angsty.

Spoilers- Lover’s Walk.

I used to have all these dreams.

Happy dreams.

Of Xander and I, and our future.

It’s funny how one moment, one kiss ended all those dreams. I thought I had everything, but at that moment I had nothing.

My dreams, my heart, my faith were all broken. I was left with nothing but humiliation and the memory of those dreams.

My favourite was about the first time Xander and I would make love, I had everything planned. It was going to be perfect, a night to remember.

The room would be lit by candles, vanilla scented ones, and there would be bouquets of lilacs. Xander would pick me up and carry me across the room, and we’d whisper words of love, and then give our bodies to each other.

There were other dreams as well, one was about the day we’d get married.

Buffy would be Maid of Honour, and Oz would be Xander’s best man. I’d wear a long ivory dress, and would carry a bouquet of lilacs and white roses, my favourite flowers. I’d walk up the aisle on Daddy’s arm, and Xander would look at me with love in his eyes. We’d share personalised vows, and then he’d kiss me, the most perfect kiss ever.

There were dreams of children.

Two.

A little girl with Xander’s big brown eyes and my face. She had dark brown hair tied up in pigtails, and was about three. She was the most perfect thing I’d ever seen, we called her Gabriella, after my grandmother. And the boy was a miniature image of Xander, with my eyes. But Xander’s grin, and the same laughter in his eyes. Both our children had that. He was about five, and always wore a baseball cap. He was my pride and joy, we called him Alexander, after his father.

Alex and Gabi, two little angels.

I dreamed of family vacations, Christmas mornings, mother’s days, and father’s days. I dreamed up the family life I never had. Of birthday parties, and anniversaries. I dreamed of everything I always wanted, I dreamed having it all with Xander.

But my dreams were never meant to be, one moment crushed them all.

Lost them to me forever.

I weeped, for to me it seemed as if they were real, they would happen, so losing them was like losing my life. I did, I lost everything I believed in, dreamed of.

I’d give anything to have it back, to get back the innocence I lost, but it’s not possible.

Maybe one day Xander and I will reunite and we’ll have the life I dreamed of, but it won’t be the same. Those are the dreams of my youth, the youth I lost that day at the factory.

I don’t know what the future holds, for me, for Xander, for us.

But I do know, that I won’t waste it dreaming. I’m older now, more sensible, I know that dreams never come true anyway.

However I just can’t bring myself to let go of those old innocent dreams.

I can’t, they’re part of me, part of who I am.

They’re all I wanted, all I can never have.

The End