" The Cartoon " episode 169 transcribed by Mohamel, Feb. 2000 Jerry Seinfeld: himself George Costanza: Jason Alexander Kramer: Michael Richards Elaine Benes: Julia Louis Dreyfus Peterman: John O'Hurley sally Weaver: Kathy Griffin Newman: Wayne Knight Janet: Tracy Nelson Mr Elinoff: Paul Benedict Dugan: Joe Urla written by: Bruce Eric Kaplan directed by: Andy Ackerman ================================================================ Some street , Jerry and Kramer walking Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam? Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change. Jerry: Oh! No it's Sally Weaver. We see Sally from a distance. Kramer: Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh? Jerry: No , It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress. Kramer: Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh! Jerry: Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing. Kramer: Euh.. We don't go to enough theater. Jerry: She should just give up. She recognizes them. Jerry: Heeyyy!... Sally: Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my shows. I just came back from (?) Whoooooooo.....I'm on my way to an audition still waiting for that big break. Kramer: Why don't you just give up? Jerry: Kramer!!! Kramer: At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. All right , we go grab some bouffe . Join us? Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless Jerry: So......Susan's dead..... At Monks Kramer: I think she was happy someone finally said it. Jerry: Why'd you have to say anything to her? Kramer: 'felt that the conversation was lagging. Jerry: Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut? Kramer: I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your place. Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves. Elaine: You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have. Jerry: What did you wanna be? Elaine: I don't remember , but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get this. Jerry: I don't either. Elaine: And you're on the fringe of the humor business. George comes in George: Hey! Elaine: Hey! George look at this. George: That's cute. Elaine: You got it? George: No , never mind. Elaine: Come on , We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in an office. Jerry: It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there. Elaine: The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading your E-mail". George: Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner . Elaine: It's a page number. George: Well , I can't crack this one. Elaine: Aahh! this has got to be a mistake. George: try shaking it...(long pause) Well ,Janet should be here any minute. Jerry: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her? George: Aah! the minute I saw this girl , we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her mouth, nose Elaine: We know what a face consists of. Janet arrives Janet; I'm sorry I'm late. George; Jerry , Elaine, I give you.. Janet. Janet: Nice to meet you. Elaine: Hi! Janet; Do we still have time to make the movie? George; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy. George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl ,they leave. Elaine: Jerry , She looks exactly like you. Jerry: She does not. Elaine: Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care. To Jerry's place , Kramer is already there making himself a lunch. Jerry: Hey! Kramer. Kramer: hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot , she's quitting the business, you ruined her life. Jerry: What! You're the one who ruined her life. Kramer: Well that's not how she remembers it. Jerry: Well , I got to talk her out of this. Kramer; I thought you said she stinks Jerry: She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry. Door buzzer rings Jerry: Yeah... George: Hey! George and Janet. Kramer: Aahh...Who's Janet? Jerry: George's girlfriend , Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say ,kookie talk. Kramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena Horne. All: Hey, Hey! Kramer: And you must....look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!! this is eerie. George: Kramer , what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry Janet: well maybe we do look a little like each other. George: No..hummm , What do you know about what you look like. Kramer: C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry. George; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye. Janet: We just got here George George: Well,,, it's getting dark. They leave. Kramer: yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though. Jerry slaps him in the back. Jerry: What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I Kramer: Well how should I have "broached the subject" Jerry: You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut. Kramer: Well sounds like someone's having a bad day. Jerry: Yeah! Because of you. Kramer: Well, I think one of us should leave. They stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to Monks. Jerry: Sally ,you can't quit the business. This is all because of me. Sally: (nods) Hehumm!! Jerry: You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink , You suck. We like magic. Sally: Really? Jerry: Of course , I stink , you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks.. Sally: Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties. Jerry: All right , I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else. Sally: Right! , Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food) Jerry: NOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry) Back to Jerry's place , evening. Elaine: Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. Jerry: Oh! I think we're at the bottom. Elaine: (to George who just came in) Hey! George , Janet looks very nice and she's quite a handsome woman. George: What does that mean? Jerry: Yeah. What does that mean? George: (to Jerry) What do you mean by that? Elaine: Enjoy. ( she leaves) Jerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely.. George: Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?.. Jerry: No.... George: Why would I... Jerry; It's ludicrous.. George: Yes. Jerry: For either one of us.. George: No... Jerry; So... George: Exactly. Jerry: I'm not gay. George: ...neither am I. Both: Kramer, Kramer , get in here. George: Where's the crazy man , Come on up. Jerry: Come on in here. AS Kramer steps out and comes in George: Haaaaaa!!! Jerry: What's happening? What, you doing , come and talk to us. Kramer: I've made an important life decision. Jerry: Lets talk about that. George: Don't leave (George slams the door) Kramer: Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry George: What's the decision? Kramer: I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never gonna talk again. Jerry: Yeah right. Kramer: What do I need to talk for.. ha! , For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend. See now , I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence. George: Silence YES!! Jerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking. Kramer: Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch. Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying "What are you talking about, twice and then some crying) Jerry: Well what does this mean? Kramer: Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry. George: (frantic by now) SHUT UP ,SHUT UP , SHUT UP,...(then leaves) Kramer: That's the idea. Jerry: Kramer there's no way you stick to this. Kramer: (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!! Jerry: Oh! you just startin' now? Kramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now. Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table Kramer Ouch!!..........Now!! Next day at the New Yorker Mr. Elinoff: So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog? Elaine: Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier ,people won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. I..I really do....Well I love this one Elaine shows him the cartoon Mr. Elinoff: Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab at inter office politics don't you think. Elaine: Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that the animals enjoy reading the email? Mr. Elinoff: Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm.. Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is suppose to be funny? Mr. Elinoff: Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores. (slides the magazine to her) Elaine: But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back to him) Mr. Elinoff: It's a slice of life. Elaine: No it isn't. Mr. Elinoff: Pun? Elaine: I don,t think so. Mr Elinoff: Vorshtein? Elaine: That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you? Mr Elinoff: No. Elaine: Then why did you print it. Mr. Elinoff: I liked the kitty. Elaine: (gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're doing comedy. Mr. Elinoff: Actually that's not bad.. Elaine: Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre Jerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show? Sally: No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me ,oKay , a tear. Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts Jerry: Ah! There you are.( Kramer motions silence) Jerry; Aw.. right , code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!... Applause, Sally starts her show Sally: Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally , You stink , You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns , a tail and hooks instead of feet. ( big laughs from the audience and Kramer is cracking up) Jerry: ( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!! Next day at Jerry's Elaine: She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing. Jerry: Good luck , It's sold out for the next three weeks. Elaine: Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker. Jerry: The New Yorker? Elaine: Yes , The New Yorker , I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE.... Jerry: Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew Elaine: Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber. Jerry: Nodding off... Elaine: ....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons. Jerry: Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw. Elaine: I do to. Jerry: What , your sad little horsies , the house with the little curl of smoke , the sunflower with the smiley face. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves) Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane. Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private!!! Back to Monks, same day Sally: Jerry , sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me? Jerry: No ,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil. Sally: Well...That is the title. Jerry: I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it. Sally: You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll think... It's all a journey. Jerry: You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater) Newman shyly approaches the table Newman: Excuse me Miss Weaver , OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times.. Jerry: What a surprise. Newman: Aahh! You're great ,It's great , It's so great to see a show that's (looks at Jerry) about something. Kramer climbs into a cab Driver: Where to? Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the cab. Evening at Janet's apt. George: (we hear him think) My friends are idiots , she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody. And so what if does look like Jerry ,what does that mean?. That I could have everything I have with Jerry but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And that somehow that would be exactly what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry.. Sally: You know I really do look like your friend Jerry. George: I know.... Back to Jerry's TV announcer: Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weavers One woman show. Sally: Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting , you know, Hands Across America. Jerry: There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her Sally: ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating... Jerry: Get Out of my House!!. Elaine walks in the door looking terrible Elaine: Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon. Jerry: I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out. Elaine: That is not the point. Jerry: some mouthwash , a hat , something. Elaine: Just read it! Jerry: (glances at it) Pretty good. Elaine: Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What? It's funny. Jerry: It's a pig at a complain department. Elaine: And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint. Jerry: I get it. Elaine: Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint. Jerry: How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a stye. Elaine: Everything with you has to be so .. jokey. Jerry: I'm a comedian. Elaine: I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real. Jerry: Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks. Elaine: I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks , The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally Weaver. Jerry: oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this. Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet of paper that he gives to Elaine to read. Elaine: The pig says "my wife is a slut." Jerry: Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally , yeah this is Jerry ,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and.. Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message that Jerry left on her message. Jerry: ....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave me out of your act all together. Jerry: (from the back of the club , leaving) That's it I'm calling in the big guns. Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment. Sally: To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer. Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You Jerry: How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. ( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly. At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on her door. Elaine: Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't it? ( Dugan shrugs) Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he. Peterman: Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire. Elaine: Can I fix that after lunch sir? Peterman: Oh! no right away , chop, chop........Oh! a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller (hearty laugh) I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and he leaves) Elaine: (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is funny and you want to know why? 'Cause I wrote it. Dugan: You shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he leaves) Peterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized why I like this cartoon so much. Elaine: Oh! Do tell sir? Peterman It's a Ziggy! Elaine: A Ziggy? Peterman: That irreverence , that wit I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine , to my archives. In a restaurant later that evening. George: You know , you know what's great about our relationship?...It's not about looks. Janet: It's not? George; No , Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met , we had a great conversation. Janet: I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party. George: ....But after that we really talked didn't we? Janet: Well ,you told me how familiar I looked and that you must have seen me somewhere before. George: Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened? Janet: You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus. George: Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it. Janet: I like gum. George: I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum. Janet: I have gum in my hair. George: I'm losin' it Back to Monks Sally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy , mind if I sit. My show is going really well. Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know what? I got recognized the other day, How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but it's like Whoa!! take three steps back , Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean. But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman , Sally Weaver the artist , Sally Weaver the person... Kramer: (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days. Sally: Well , lay it on me string bean. Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom. Janet: Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready for bed. George: OK Look , the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else...anything..please. Janet: George. George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and a jerry like blue shirt. George: Your hair? Janet: Well I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble getting it even. So why don't you get undressed George. ( George speeds out the door) George: George is in big trouble.... At Jerry's the next day. Jerry: You ripped off a Ziggy? Elaine: It must've seeped up my subconscious , Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today? Jerry: I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real. Kramer comes in Elaine: Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on ( Kramer turns around to leave) Jerry: Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this , now she's got nothing. Sally: (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me. Jerry: That's right sister. Why don't you just give up? Elaine: Why are you yelling at the TV? Sally: ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues.. Jerry: Elaine , have you been talking to her? Elaine: Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha... Sally: Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone? Jerry: ( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking?? Kramer: ...All right ..Starting now...... Credits Epilogue at Monks Jerry: You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short? George: like that ( looking at Jerry) Jerry: You mean like.. ( points to his hair) George; ..That. Jerry: So she.. George: Yes.. Jerry: And you don't... George: Nooo... Jerry; So... George: Exactly.. Jerry: Hmmmm... George: We...must never ever speak of this again.. Jerry: No , no......( long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie? George: Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off ( starts to leave) Jerry: I think that's for the best. End