The Calzone first aired : 4/25/96 director : Andy Ackerman writers : Berg / Schaffer Characters : Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer Jason Alexander as George Costanza and Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium George : I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls , here at the stadium , don't offer much by way of privacy . But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floors ...... Mr. . Steinbrenner : All the way to the floor ! What are you crazy ! You'd suffocate in there . Your lucky you have any doors at all . You know when I was in the army ...... Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It looks pretty tasty . George : It's a calzone , sir . Mr. . Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ? George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant . Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay let's get back to business . Okay here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent . excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay a little jealous now . Okay lets go . Ok last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good . Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza get me couple of those calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Pigstein what's an eggplant calzone . Must have one . Everybody out . Out . Jerry and Elaine at apartment Elaine : One of those fabric wholesalers . This guy Todd Gack . I won a bet from him . Jerry : What bet ? Elaine : He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars . Jerry : Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars !?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader . I don't think so . Elaine : That's what I said . Jerry : So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner ? Elaine : Yeah . Jerry : Huh . Elaine : What ? Jerry : No . nothing . Kramer walks in Jerry : What's with you ? Kramer : Feel this . Jerry : Wow .That's hot . Kramer : Yeah . It's piquing hot . It's fresh out of the dryer . Hey Elaine you have to feel my pants . Elaine : I'll see you later . Kramer : Oh . All right . You don't know what your missing . I'm loving this Jerry . I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer . Jerry : So know every time you get dressed . You are going to go down to the basement and use the dryer . Kramer : Oh yeah . It's a warm and wonderful feeling , Jerry . So what are you doing later ? Jerry : I got a date with Nikki . Kramer : Oh yeah she's a beauty . Jerry : She's also quite bold . Kramer : Oh bold and beautiful . George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium Mr. Steinbrenner : I am loving this calzone . The pita pocket prevents it from dripping . The pita pocket . (phone rings)What is it Watson ? A lost and found . No . I don't think we need that . If people keel over because they lost something that's there tough luck . You got a drip on your mouth by the way . George : You know a lost and found could be a good idea . Mr. Steinbrenner : Hold on Watson . You like lost and found George ? George : Definitely . Mr. Steinbrenner : All right lost and found . But these got to be a time limit . We're not running a pawn shop here . Jerry and Nikki at movies Jerry : Hey , Elaine . Elaine : Hi Jerry ! Jerry : This is Nikki . Nikki : Hi ! Elaine : Hello . This is Todd Gack . Jerry : Oh of course . Todd Gack . You did you bet was in Star Wars ? Sammy Davis Jr. Elaine : So what movie are you guys seeing ? Nikki : "Means to an End " Elaine : Oh . We were going to see that but it was sold out . So were going to see " Blame it on the Rain " Jerry : Why don't you see what you can do ? Nikki : Okay . Elaine : What's she going to do ? There's no more tickets . Jerry : We'll see . Todd : Hey Jerry . Do you like cigars ? Jerry : Yeah . Why ? Todd : I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap . Jerry : Hey ,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding . Todd : So do you want a box ? Jerry : Sure . If there cheap Why not . Todd : All right I buy a box and give to Elaine . Nikki : Okay two tickets "Means to an End" Jerry : Told you . Elaine : How did you do that ? Nikki : I just talked to the manager . Jerry : All right . Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain " Jerry and George at the coffee shop George : There putting in a lost and found because of me . There's a time limit but still . Jerry : There really building a Utopian society up there huh .And you tribute all this to the calzone . George : Yeah . I am like a drug dealer . I got the guy hooked . I am having lunch at his desk everyday this week . He doesn't make a move without me . It's very exciting . Jerry : With you two guys at the helm . The last piece of the puzzle is in place. George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't notice it what's the point . Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind . George : Not bills . Jerry : So George . Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants . We are at the movies last night . It's sold out . Nikki goes and talks to the manager . Right in . George : Beautiful women . You know they could get away with murder . You never she any of them lift anything over three pounds . They get whatever they want whenever they want it . You can't stop them . Jerry : She's like a beautiful Godzilla . George : Without thousands of fleeing Japanese . Jerry and Kramer at his apartment Kramer : Hey buddy . Jerry : What the hell is all this ? Kramer : I am looking for quarters for the dryer . Jerry : Why can't you do this on your table ? Kramer : Because I don't have a table . Elaine walks in Elaine : Hey . Jerry : Hey . So how was "Blame it on the Rain ?" Elaine : Huh . Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too . Jerry : Oh !! Let me ask you a question . Was the movie part of the bet ? Kramer leaves Elaine : No . We were both in the mood for one . Jerry : You know Elaine , It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close fiends .... Elaine : Oh is that so . Jerry : Absolutely . But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet . Elaine : What are you talking about ? Jerry : Come on . Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars . He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner Elaine : If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me. Jerry : Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected . He has found a dating loop hole . Elaine : I don't buy it. Kramer walks in with more change Jerry : So what happened after the movie ? Elaine : Nothing . He walked me home . Jerry : To the door ? Elaine : Yeah . Jerry : That's a date . Elaine : No it's not . Jerry : But I never walk you home . Elaine : That's just because your a jackass . Kramer : Ah !! I found a quarter . Anybody want there clothes heated up ? Jerry : No , no . Elaine : No , no . Jerry : So how did you leave it with him ? Elaine : I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars . Jerry : That's another loop hole . That's two dates without asking you out . Elaine : Your crazy ! Jerry : Crazy like a man . George at Pisano's Worker : Number 49. George : You know my last name is Costanza . That's Italian . So you and I are like country men . Pisano's ! Worker : $ 6.50 your change . George : And I always take care of my Pisano's . So here is a little something. ( drop in tip and worker looks the other way , so George decides to take it out and try again only to get caught ) Worker : Hey ! You steal my money !! George : No no . That's not what I was trying to do . Worker : I know what you try to do . Get out . Don't ever come back ever . George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium George : I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner . Mr. Steinbrenner : Beautiful . I am starving George . George : I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef . Mr. Steinbrenner : Corn beef . I don't think so . It is a little fatty . George : How about Chinese ? Mr. Steinbrenner : Uhhhhh . No . Too many containers . Big mess , big mess . Too sloppy .I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's . That's the ticket . George : I just thought it would be nice . A little variety . Mr. Steinbrenner : No , no , no . George let me tell you something . When I find something I like I stick with it . From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday . Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread . Bread bowl George . First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl . There's nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table . Todd walking Elaine to her apartment Elaine : Thanks for the dinner . Todd : Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry . Elaine : Hey Todd . Let me ask you a question . Um . Was this whole date thing just a way of asking me out ? Todd : What ? Elaine : I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars ? Todd : Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner . Elaine : Oh all right . Okay well , goodnight . Todd : Hey , if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere ? Elaine : See what is that ? Is that a date ? Todd : Why can't two people go and do something without it being a date ? Elaine : All right . I am sorry it's not a date . Todd : No way . So I'll see you Saturday night ? Elaine : All right . Todd : Pick you up at 8:00 p.m. Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop Police officer : Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is ? Jerry : I was got to be 55 . Police officer : That's right it is . Do you know how fast you were going ? Jerry : A lot faster than that ! Police officer : Step out of the car sir . Jerry : Okay dokey Police officer : Can I have your license and registration please ? Jerry : Absolutely . Nikki ! Nikki : Yes . Jerry : Would you mind bringing the officer the registration ? Nikki : Not at all . Police officer : I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour . Jerry : You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because for a while there I was doing well over 100 . Nikki : Officer . Hi . Do you really have to give us a ticket ? Jerry : All right Nik . That's it . Kramer and Jerry at his apartment Kramer : Hey buddy . I am waiting for my shirt . Jerry : You got your shirt in my oven !?! Kramer : I didn't have any quarters for the dryer . Anyway this is better . And it's more convenient . Jerry : For both of us . Kramer : And I have a lot more control . I have one shirt going for 10 minutes at 325 degrees . Jerry : What's wrong with your oven ? Kramer : I am baking a pie ! Buzz , buzz Jerry : Yeah . George : Yeah . Jerry : Come on up . Kramer : You got cigars , huh . Jerry : I got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell ! Kramer : Oh yeah baby . spit , spit . What are these ? " Perducto de Peru " Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming . Jerry : Peru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks ! Kramer : You got ripped buddy . Jerry : I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again without asking her out . Kramer : That's a nice name . Todd Gack . Is that Dutch ? ( Dingggggg ) Oh baby . Here we go . Uh momma .(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt on ) Hey George hey . Kramer leaves George : Well this is bad . I am really in a bad situation now . Jerry : so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones ? George : What's he going to do ? That's exactly the point . Nobody knows what this guy is capable of ! He fires people like it is a bodily function . Jerry : Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for you ? George : Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him . You know how these interoffice politics work . Jerry : No . I never had a job . Kramer walks in with no pants on Kramer : I decided to go with the brown one 's . (pants) George : What the hell is this ? Jerry : Kramer's cooking up some corduroy . George : There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's . Kramer : Pisano's . That's the place by the stadium right ? George : Yeah . You've heard of it ? Kramer : Yeah . Newman raves about it . It's on his mail route . He goes by there everyday . George : I'll see you guys later . Jerry : What kind of pie are you cooking ? Kramer : Huckleberry . George at Newman's apartment Newman : You certainly are in a bind . George : Yeah . And since you go buy there everyday . I was hoping that we could help each other out . Newman : Oh well . Let me perfectly blunt . I don't care for you Costanza . You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just it up wasting your lives . George : Are you going to help me or not ? Newman : All right , all right . I'll help you but I will except something in return . George : What ? Newman : Well for starters I want a calzone of my own ..... George : All right . Newman : And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a week I will require a canolie . George : That's a little steep don't you think ? Newman : You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic . I would hate to see him when he's hungry . George : All right , all right . Newman : Do we have a deal ? George : But I have to have them by one o'clock . He's very regiment about his meals . Newman : I know exactly how he feels . Pleasure doing business with you . Do come again . Ha , ha , ha , ha . Todd and Elaine at a restaurant Elaine : This is nice . Todd : Gack . Party of four . Elaine : Party of four ? Who are we meeting ? Todd : Mom ! Dad ! This is Elaine . Mom : Hello . Elaine : Hellllllooooo . End of dinner Mom : Nice meeting you . Todd : Bye mom . Mom : She's wonderful . Elaine : What the hell was that ? Todd : What ? Elaine : Why did you introduce me to your parents ? Todd : There nice people . I thought you would like them . Elaine : Come on Todd . Admit it , this is a date . Todd : Why is this a date ? Elaine : Saturday night with your parents . Unless I'm your sister this is a date. Todd : Elaine . I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents without classifying it as a date . Elaine : Well if it's not a date then what is it ? Todd : It's a lovely evening together . Elaine : I don't believe this . Todd : Well I am getting a cab want to join me ? Elaine : No . I'll just walk home . Todd : Okay goodnight . ( goes to kiss her ) Elaine : Now what was that ? George at Newman's apartment Knock , knock Newman : Hello . What 's this ? George : Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week .... Um shouldn't you be at work by now ? Newman : Work ? It's raining . George : Soooooo Newman : I called in sick . I don't work in the rain . George : You don't work in the rain ? Your a mailman . " Neither rain nor sleet nor snow ....." It's the first one . Newman : I was never that big on creeds . George : You were supposed to deliver my calzones . We had a deal ! Newman : I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route . Well today I won't be going on my mail route ! Will I . Perhaps tomorrow . George : But I'm paying you ! Newman : Yes thank you . ( slams door ) George : Newman !! Nikki and Jerry at his apartment Nikki : Peru ? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba ? Jerry : I did . Nikki : Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him ? Jerry : Well what could I do ? Unless you pay him a visit . Nikki : Okay . George at Kramer's apartment Knock , knock George : Kramer ! Kramer : Hey you ! George : Look I need you to do me a favor . I need you to get me lunch at Pisano's . Kramer : What happened to Newman ? George : He called in sick . Kramer : Oh yeah right it's raining . George : Can you do it ? Kramer : What time do you need it at ? George : 1:00 p.m. Do you need any money ? Kramer : No . I got eight tons of change . I'm loaded . Kramer on street Kramer : Hey hold that bus ! Kramer at Pisano's Kramer : Hey . It's really wet out there . Worker : What can I get you ? Kramer : I here you make a pretty mean calzone . Worker : Calzone ! Kramer : Yeah calzone . Worker : The best ! Kramer : All right . Lay them on me . I'll take three . Worker : Three calzones . Kramer : Hey . That's a big oven . Huh . Listen . I was wondering if you could do me a favor . Elaine goes to the coffee shop Elaine : Hey Todd . Todd : Hi . You know Nikki . Elaine Yeah sure . Nikki : Wait . Elaine will settle this . What's the "M" stand for in Richard M. Nixon ? Elaine : Milhouse . Nikki : I told you so . He said it was Moe . You owe me a dinner . Kramer at Pisano's Worker : Your order is ready . Three calzones and one shirt and jacket . Kramer : Oh . This is all burned up . Look at this . Worker : What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt ? What the hell is this? Your paying in pennies ? Kramer : That's all I got . Worker : No . You have to have bills . Paper money . You can't pay with this. Kramer : I told you this is all I got . Worker : Then no calzones . Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian George's office at Yankee Stadium George : What happened ? Where have you been ? Kramer : The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change . George : What the hell happened to your shirt ? Kramer : He overcooked it . It's ruined . George : Your clothes smell just like Pisano's . There's another Italian place on Jerome . Maybe I can fool him . Mr. Steinbrenner at his office Mr. Steinbrenner on phone : That's right . Do you want to say it again . I'll say it again . I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care that you don't believe me or not . And how's this . Your fired . Okay your not .I am just a little hungry . Where's Costanza with my calzone . It's 1:15 . He's late . That smell . I have to call you back . Costanza . He's in the building . Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office . Costanza ! I'll get you . Jerry and Elaine at apartment Jerry : Stupid cigars . You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him they wouldn't be together . Elaine : These are terrible . Jerry : It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone . Elaine : What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway . Jerry : I think it's Dutch . I got to get going . Elaine : Where are you going ? Jerry : I ... uh ....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her . Elaine : But she broke up with you . Jerry : I know , I know . But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't say no . Elaine : It smells like a rubber fire . Jerry :What's that ? Elaine : I said rubber fire . Jerry : Oh . Elaine : Did you ever pay Todd for these things ? Jerry : Actually it's being taken care of right now . Kramer at Todd's apartment Knock , knock Kramer : You Gack ? Todd : Yeah . Kramer : Here's your money . Kramer throws a bag full of change at him Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office Mr. Steinbrenner : George . Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's ? George : Because they were heated up there . Mr. Steinbrenner : Heating up your clothes ? That's not a bad idea .