THE STALL
76th episode
Season 5, number 12
Original broadcasting date: January 6, 1994
Written by Larry Charles
Directed by Tom Cherones
regular cast:
Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine)
Michael Richards (Kramer)
Jason Alexander(George)
guest starring:
Jami Gertz (Jane)
Dan Cortese (Tony)
(the bathroom)
ELAINE
what a dope!
uh..excuse me
umm.. I'm sorry
this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here
JANE
(from the stall on Elaine's right)
are you talking to me?
ELAINE
yeah.. I
I just forgot to check
so if you could just spare me some
JANE
no I'm sorry
ELAINE
what?
JANE
no I'm sorry, I can't spare it
ELAINE
you can't spare it??
JANE
no there's not enough to spare
ELAINE
well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it
JANE
I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind
ELAINE
3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??
JANE
no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square
ELAINE
oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one
puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply
JANE
look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)
Elaine
no no, no no, don't don't, I beg you
(the movie theater)
JERRY
(eating pop corn)
hmm I love this artificial flavoring
I like it better than butter
I think it's more consistent
JANE
you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
JERRY
what?
(offering pop corn to Jane)
(elsewhere in the same theater)
ELAINE
hey
TONY
hey
hey? where is my popcorn babe?
ELAINE
what?
TONY
my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn
what? would you forget about me babe?
ELAINE
you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
JANE
I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I
simply could not spare it
this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me
ELAINE
3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!
JANE
she wouldn't stop
"help me! help me!"
she was *insane*
ELAINE
I was begging her
"please! please!"
she was *insane*
JERRY
who do you think she is? how dare she?
you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies
walking around with flashlights anymore
we'd flush her out
JANE
I don't know what she looks like
JERRY
I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her
she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony
ELAINE
hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new
girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like
TONY
hey? you think if I jumped off this balcony I'd get hurt?
(Jerry's apt.)
(Jerry's at his computer)
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
hey
JERRY
hey
KRAMER
hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?
JERRY
what's the matter with yours?
KRAMER
huh.. my batteries are dead
JERRY
hey it's not one of those 976 calls, is it?
KRAMER
look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?
JERRY
why do you do that?
KRAMER
oh... (get in the bedroom)
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
I am never going back to the movies again
JERRY
hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you
ELAINE
I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side
JERRY
oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony
ELAINE
yeah
JERRY
hey hey (fooling around with his collar)
ELAINE
yeah, all right ok
JERRY
Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)
ELAINE
that's nice. Listen, listen to this
I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts
JERRY
huh huh
ELAINE
I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper
JERRY
no what?
ELAINE
toilet paper
JERRY
oh.. whoa..
ELAINE
so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ho ho
JERRY
well maybe she couldn't spare it
ELAINE
a square?
JERRY
well, you know, sometimes a square is everything
ELAINE
a ply?
JERRY
Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like
asking for someone's canteen in the desert
ELAINE
yeah
JERRY
it's battle conditions
ELAINE
yeah, well
I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty
voice, it is *tattooed* in my brain
if I hear it, watch out
So listen what happened with Jane last night?
JERRY
oh.. Jane she huh.. she huh..
ELAINE
the 4 of us are going out Saturday right? hat should be fun
JERRY
yeah that should be real fun
ELAINE
you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?
JERRY
yeah
(Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone)
WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE
then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?
ELAINE
Andre?
(Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine)
KRAMER (on the phone)
what about the driver? we could get an accident
WOMAN
so what?
KRAMER
oh that wouldn't be very good
JERRY
(on the phone)
hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!
ELAINE
what is going on? what.. who is Andre?
JERRY
Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out
of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone
KRAMER
Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman
Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the
voice she uses..
JERRY
hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me
KRAMER
hey, you're hungry? Monk's?
JERRY
no I gotta go downtown
ELAINE
oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?
JERRY
yeah
ELAINE
so listen, what happened last night with Jane?
JERRY
nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube
(Jerry's car)
ELAINE
you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer
JERRY
I know, I just can't bring myself to do it
meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles)
(Elaine looks at her watch)
oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting
ELAINE
hey you got a problem with Tony?
JERRY
hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)
ELAINE
ok Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like
JERRY
of course you would
ELAINE
oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk
JERRY
Elaine
ELAINE
what?
JERRY
it's different for a man
ELAINE
huh?
JERRY
we're expected to be superficial
ELAINE
I'm not being superficial
JERRY
Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo
ELAINE
he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man
he just happened to have a perfect face
JERRY
and that's why you're going out with him
ELAINE
no it is not
JERRY
you know, I think George has a non sexual crush on him
ELAINE
I think he does too
JERRY
I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a
school girl around him
(Monk's)
TONY
so I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off"
(Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards)
GEORGE
"step off"?
TONY
yeah
GEORGE
you said "step off"?
wow, that is too much
hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony)
Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?
TONY
no
GEORGE
bowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time
TONY
bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling
GEORGE
rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk about a rush,
you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions
TONY
no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing
GEORGE
all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some
sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?
TONY
what.. whatever
GEORGE
alright alright, I gotta buy some bread
TONY
yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing
GEORGE
me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down
TONY
cool, so what do you say we climb a rock maņana?
GEORGE
huh.. maņana? huh maņana might.. huh maņana might be a problem, I'm supposed
to have huh a boil lanced maņana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I
cancel with only one maņana's notice (Kramer enters)
TONY
hey Kramer
KRAMER
hey
TONY
hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing maņana?
KRAMER
maņana I'm doing nada
TONY
what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?
GEORGE
huh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches
TONY
c'mon Kramer what do you say?
GEORGE
huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there
KRAMER
I am down
TONY
yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer
you down to it George? what's wrong?
GEORGE
I am down!
(Jerry's)
ELAINE
rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock
climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine and Jerry laughs)
GEORGE
alright alright
JERRY
yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick
now?
GEORGE
yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy
JERRY
cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?
GEORGE
he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You
know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of
anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie!
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
hey
EVERYBODY
hey
GEORGE
hey nice move today
KRAMER
what?
GEORGE
horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony
KRAMER: he asked me
GEORGE
you put him on the spot
KRAMER
you know I think you're in love with him
GEORGE
what?.. that's ridiculous!
KRAMER
no no no, I don't think so. You love him
GEORGE
you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting
any sandwiches either
(phone rings, Kramer answers)
JERRY
you're making sandwiches?
KRAMER
hello
GEORGE
well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there
KRAMER
who?
GEORGE
Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?
ELAINE
hates it
GEORGE
good thing I asked
JERRY (to Kramer): who is it?
KRAMER
well she says Jane
JERRY
yeah, so?
KRAMER
well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty
JERRY
did you say flinty?
KRAMER
yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty
(on the rocks)
(Kramer and George are hanging on a rock)
KRAMER
(singing)
yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo!
hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)
ECHO
hello
KRAMER
hey George, hear that?
(George is terrified)
GEORGE
please please please, stop moving
that's all I'm asking..
Kramer!!
(George grabs Kramer's leg)
KRAMER
let go, hey grab the rock
GEORGE
what rock?
KRAMER
the rock
GEORGE
uh oh..
KRAMER
you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo
GEORGE
(sobbing)
yodel lay hee hoo..
KRAMER
(chanting)
yodel lay hee hoo
GEORGE
(sobbing)
yodel lay hee hoo..
TONY
(voice from below)
George! Kramer!
KRAMER
yeah!
TONY
take the rope, thread it through the carabiner and knot it, and I'll climb up
to where you are
KRAMER
alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)
GEORGE
yeah
TONY
hey George, you got anything to eat dude?
GEORGE
(taking it out of his jacket pocket)
yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know
you don't like peanut butter
(the ropes slides down)
KRAMER
what?
TONY
dude aah.......
(George and Kramer look at each other)
GEORGE AND KRAMER
ahh.....!!
(Jerry's)
(Jerry and Jane are eating)
JERRY
..can I have your napkin?
JANE
what?
JERRY
you napkin I'm dripping
JANE
well where is your napkin?
JERRY
I used it up
JANE
well I need mine
(looks at her watch)
oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work
JERRY
you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours
JANE
I told you already it's very boring
you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum
JERRY
you're fine (goes to the bathroom)
(buzzer rings)
JANE
oh how does this thing work?
JERRY
just press it
ELAINE
it's Elaine
JANE
oh come on up
JERRY
(coming out from the bathroom)
who was it?
JANE
it's Elaine
JERRY
oh..huh.. is she coming up?
JANE
yeah
JERRY
huh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.
JANE
ok
JERRY
Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah
(Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now)
JANE
hmm
JERRY
have some more, take a load
JANE
isn't it too much?
JERRY
trust me.. nah it's good
JANE
smell?
JERRY
yeah stinks, terrible
(Elaine enters)
JERRY
hi Elaine
ELAINE
hi
JERRY
this is Jane Elaine
ELAINE
hi, nice to meet you finally
JANE
it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night
ELAINE
yeah me too
JANE
ok so I'll see you Saturday night
JERRY
Saturday night (she leaves)
(Jerry shuts the door)
ELAINE
what is with the gum?
JERRY
I know it's a big problem.. she puts like 4 pieces in her mouth, it's
ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday
night
ELAINE
because of the gum
JERRY
well it's too much, it's embarrassing
ELAINE
why does she have to chew so many?
JERRY
she's one of those person, always have to be different
(on the other side of the door)
(whispering)
GEORGE
she's there, I can hear her
KRAMER
alright, who's gonna tell her
GEORGE
huh you tell her
KRAMER
it was your fault
GEORGE
if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen
(back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who
was invited", Jerry opens the door)
JERRY
well
ELAINE
hey
GEORGE AND KRAMER
hey
GEORGE
what are you doing here?
ELAINE
did you have fun
GEORGE AND KRAMER
yeah
KRAMER
for a little while
ELAINE
where's Tony?
GEORGE
oh..
KRAMER
huh..
GEORGE
Kramer was supposed to tie a knot
KRAMER
whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot
ELAINE
did something happened?
GEORGE
Tony.. took a bit of a tumble
ELAINE
his face, did something happen to his face?
KRAMER
well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen
GEORGE
he..he's alive
KRAMER
yeah
ELAINE
what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face
GEORGE
you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..
KRAMER
rock
GEORGE
yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly
KRAMER
some big rock
GEORGE
we rode along all the way to the hospital
KRAMER
yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall
(Elaine rushes out)
JERRY
well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?
(Tony's)
ELAINE
so huh, what did the doctors say?
TONY
the said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages)
ELAINE
but what else did they say
TONY
well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean
ELAINE
yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross
deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that
TONY
I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I
was on a lot of medications, it was kinda like haze, it's pretty cool
ELAINE
huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do u
recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?
TONY
I don't know, I don't know
ELAINE
think Tony, think
TONY
I'm drawing a blank, babe
(knock on door)
(Elaine gets it, it's George)
ELAINE
this isn't a very good time George
GEORGE
I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)
TONY
step off George, I don't wanna see you
GEORGE
me? "step off"
ELAINE
yeah, Tony says you better step off George
GEORGE
but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such
delicious sandwiches Elaine
TONY
just beat it dude!
GEORGE
here here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony)
please, next time it will only be the 2 of us
TONY
there won't be any next time George
GEORGE
oh Tony don't
ELAINE
ok step off George, can u just step off?
GEORGE
I I just.. but..
ELAINE
bubye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back)
George wait wait
GEORGE
yes?
ELAINE
can u throw this trash out (closes the door)
(Jerry's)
(Jane is giving Jerry a massage)
JERRY
I've been waiting a while for this.
You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get
together on Saturday night
JANE
that is too bad, what a shame
JERRY
yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!
JANE
well maybe he's feeling better
JERRY
yeah without a doubt, I'm down
(Kramer enters)
JERRY
oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer
KRAMER
hey
JANE
hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer)
KRAMER
well hello Jane
JANE
Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately
KRAMER
(very quickly)
oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the
phone, alright I'll see you later buddy
JERRY
wait, where are you going? where are you going?
KRAMER
uptown, to the ?
JANE
oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?
KRAMER
what about the driver?
JANE
what are you talking about?
JERRY
alright I changed my mind, yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now
JANE
well ok I'll see you later, nice meeting you
JERRY
what's with you?
KRAMER
that's her
JERRY
who?
KRAMER
Erika, she's Erika
JERRY
oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman
KRAMER
Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her
JERRY
oh you're crazy
KRAMER
am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
JERRY
it's impossible
KRAMER
is it? or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?
JERRY
it can't be
KRAMER
can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
JERRY
alright that's enough
KRAMER
yeaaaaah!
(Monk's)
ELAINE
he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?
JERRY
what?
ELAINE
you know (acts like a monster)
JERRY
oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead
ELAINE
yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating,
it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway
JERRY
oh I though you didn't care about his looks
ELAINE
I lied
JERRY
aha
ELAINE
are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know even
if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some
final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is.
You know Jerry
JERRY
oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there?
ELAINE
yeah, yeah
JERRY
hey Kramer
KRAMER
what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set
JERRY
what's all set?
KRAMER
Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth
JERRY
how's you get her to meet here?
KRAMER
I don't know, we have a certain chemistry
(Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table, smiling)
JERRY
oh my god
JANE
hi I thought I'd find you here
JERRY
hello.. Erika
JANE
Erika? what are you talking about?
JERRY
how can u say things like that over the phone?
JANE
what are you talking about?
JERRY
selling sexual pleasure over the phone?
JANE
I sell paper goods you jerk
JERRY
paper goods?
ELAINE
excuse me, do you have a tissue?
JANE
I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare
(Elaine realizes)
JANE
where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her)
ELAINE
I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane)
(the bathroom)
JANE
oh damn
ELAINE
something.. wrong?
JANE
yeah there's no toilet paper out here, I usually check but would u mind?
ELAINE
I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a
square
JANE
wait a minute, I know you
ELAINE
that's right honey, and I know you!
(Elaine gets out and she has 2 rolls of toilet paper)
JANE
no, no, no!!!
(she's out of the bathroom now, very satisfied, and walks towards Jerry and
gives him the rolls)
ELAINE: here, take it
JANE
(walks out of the bathroom, very furious) (to Jerry)
don't call me anymore
(Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands)
(Jane walks by Kramer and turns back)
JANE
(to Kramer, in a very sensual voice)
you either
(sticks her tongue out :9)
(Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouth open)