SEASON 5
THE MANGO -- Episode 62 (09/16/93)
When Elaine tells Jerry she faked orgasms during their relationship Jerry tries for one more chance at pleasing Elaine and George feels insecure in his current relationship and fears his girlfriend is faking as well. Meanwhile, Kramer is banned from a local fruit stand after returning a bad peach.
Writer: Lawrence H. Levy, Buck Dancer
Director: Tom Cherones
THE PUFFY SHIRT -- Episode 63 (09/23/93)
Jerry and Elaine have dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend, a mumbling 'low-talker.' Jerry unknowingly agrees to wear a puffy shirt designed by Kramer's girlfriend during an appearance on the 'Today Show.' The shirt causes his interview with Bryant Gumble to become embarrassing. George is forced to move back into his parents home. George gets a job as a hand model but loses it when he burns his hands.
Writer: Larry David
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Bryant Gumble, Wendel Meldrum
THE GLASSES -- Episode 64 (09/30/93)
George loses his glasses at a health club and talks Elaine and Jerry into shopping for new glasses with him. Elaine gets bitten by a dog at the eye glass store and becomes concerned about rabies. George is supposed to get a discount from the optometrist because he is a friend of Kramer, but the optometrist refuses to give the discount. George thinks he spots Jerry's girlfriend kissing Jerry's cousin, Jeffrey.
Writer: Tom Gammill, Max Pross
Director: Tom Cherones
THE SNIFFING ACCOUNTANT -- Episode 65 (10/07/93)
Jerry, Kramer and Newman conduct a stakeout after Jerry becomes suspicious after he runs into his accountant at the coffeeshop and notices his constant sniffing. Jerry and Kramer set out to find out if his accountant is a cocaine user only to learn that he was just allergic to Jerry's mohair sweater. George has an interview to become a bra salesman. Elaine gets into a fight and breaks up with her boyfriend, a writer, over his lack of expressive punctuation.
Writer: Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld
Director: Tom Cherones
THE BRIS -- Episode 66 (10/14/93)
Jerry and Elaine are chosen to be the godparents of their friends Myra and Stan's baby. Elaine finds a very nervous and shaky mohel. The mohel cuts Jerry's finger while he is holding the baby during the circumcision. A man jumps off the hospital to commit suicide and lands on the roof of George's car. George tries to get the hospital to repair his car. Kramer believes he sees a 'pig-man' in the hospital, the result of a sick genetic experiment and sets out to liberate him. Kramer also attempts to stop the bris as he does not believe in circumcision.
Writer: Larry Charles
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Charles Levin
THE LIP READER -- Episode 67 (10/28/93)
Jerry and George go to a tennis match where Jerry meets Laura, a pretty lineswoman who is deaf. Jerry invites her to go to a party with him, George, Kramer and Elaine at Todd's house. George is dumped by his girlfriend, Gwen who is also going to be at the party. Because Laura can read lips George asks her to tell him what Gwen and Todd are discussing across the room. Kramer erroneously interprets her sign language causing George to embarrass himself by yelling at Gwen over nothing. Both Elaine and Newman ask if they can borrow Laura's lip reading ability for their own benefit. Kramer attempts to become the first 'ball-man' at the tennis club.
Writer: Carol Leifer
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Marlee Matlin
THE NON-FAT YOGURT -- Episode 68 (11/04/93)
Jerry and Elaine enjoy the yogurt at Kramer's friend's store so much that they do not believe it to be fat free. When they take a sample to be tested, some spills into the blood sample of Mayor Dinkins. The lab discovers the yogurt is not 'fat free' and Mayor Dinkins wins the election with the yogurt fraud becoming a pivotal point in his campaign. Elaine dates an aid to mayoral candidate Giuliana, Lloyd, and gives him an idea of George's that everyone in New York wear name tags. The idea gets Lloyd fired.
Writer: Larry David
Director: Tom Cherones
THE BARBER -- Episode 69 (11/11/93)
When Jerry gets a bad haircut from 'Enzo', he needs to sneak behind Enzo's back to have 'Gino' (Enzo's nephew )fix it. Enzo suspects Jerry is cheating on him so he bribes Newman to get a sample of Jerry's hair. George is unsure if he has been hired for a job and with his potential new boss gone on vacation, he decides it would be better to show up for work and assume he has the position, even though he has no idea what to do when he arrives there. Elaine is hosting a bachelor auction and when Jerry bows out due to his bad haircut, Kramer takes his place.
Writer: Andy Robin
Director: Tom Cherones
THE MASSEUSE -- Episode 70 (11/18/93)
Jerry is dating a masseuse, Jodi, who refuses to give him a massage. He gets even more upset when he learns Jodi is giving Kramer a massage. George gets back with Karen to rekindle the relationship from 'The Mango'. After a double date with Jerry and Jodi, George learns Jodi did not like him. This gets him so obsessed with Jodi that he becomes attracted to her, thus causing him to end his with relationship with Karen once again. Jodi breaks up with Jerry when he tries to force her into giving him a massage. And, Elaine finds a new beau who is perfect, except for his infamous name.
Writer: Peter Mehlman
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Jennifer Coolidge, Lisa Edelstein
THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN -- Episode 71 (12/09/93)
Jerry, feeling guilty about making Elaine take the subway and hoping to impress Elaine' friend, Winona, buys a cigar store indian from an antique shop. Winona is offended by the gift and Jerry must now convince her he is not a racist. George entertains a lady in his parents bed while they are out of town but leaves a prophylactic wrapper on the bed. They ground him. Elaine takes Mr. Costanza's TV guide (with Al Roker on the cover) to read on the subway. Ricky, a TV guide collector, sees Elaine reading the guide and tries to return it to her when she leaves it on the subway. Kramer comes up with the idea of making a coffee table book about coffee tables and sells it to Elaine's boss.
Writer: Tom Gammill, Max Pross
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Al Roker, Kimberly Norris, Jerry Stiller
THE CONVERSION -- Episode 72 (12/16/93)
George decides to convert to the Latvian Orthodox religion to keep Sasha from breaking up with him. After he converts he surprises her with the news only to learn she is going to spend a year in Latvia. Jerry tries to date one of his neighbors, Tawni, but when he finds a fungicide in her bathroom he gets suspicious. Elaine is dating a podiatrist and asks him what the fungicide would be used for. He thinks Elaine has the fungus and tries to break up with her. Jerry learns the fungicide is for Tawni's cat but it is too late to help Elaine with her date. Kramer meets a soon-to-be nun who falls in love with him at the Latvian Orthodox Church. Feeling guilty for the power he has over women, he visits the priest for a cure.
Writer: Bruce Kirschbaum
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Kimberly Campbell, Tom Verica, Jerry Stiller
THE STALL -- Episode 73 (01/06/94)
When Elaine's bathroom stall is out of toilet paper, she asks the woman in the stall next to her for a square. The woman, Jane, refuses to help. Jane later tells her date, Jerry about this rude woman in the bathroom. Elaine is dating Tony, an adrenaline junky who she later admits to only be dating for his looks. George develops a fondness for Tony and is talked into going rock climbing with Tony and Kramer. When Tony falls off the rock, his face gets cut. Elaine now must decide if she should continue dating him. Kramer is convinced that Jane is also the phone sex woman he has been calling. Jerry tries to keep Jane from meeting Elaine to avoid further confrontation over the bathroom incident.
Writer: Larry Charles
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Jami Gertz, Dan Cortese
THE DINNER PARTY -- Episode 74 (02/03/94)
Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer are invited to a dinner party. They decide to stop along the way and bring a bottle of wine and a dessert. When Jerry and Elaine get to the bakery they forget to take a number so Elaine asks the couple who arrived after them for their number - but they refuse. Elaine gets very angry only to learn that the couple is going to the same dinner party. To top it all off, the couple buys the last chocolate bapka, which is what Jerry and Elaine wanted to bring. Kramer and George go to pick up a bottle of wine, but the store clerk refuses George's $100 bill. When they return to the store with smaller bills, George knocks over a case of wine with his big gore-tex coat. Kramer and George return to Kramer's car only to learn they have been blocked in by what turns out to be a Saddam Hussein look alike (or is it?)
Writer: Larry David
Director: Tom Cherones
THE MARINE BIOLOGIST -- Episode 75 (02/10/94)
When Jerry runs into an old classmate of his and George's, she asks what George is up to. Jerry, trying to cover for George's misfortune tells her that George is a marine biologist. When she and George go out on a date at a seafood restaurant on the shore - there is an emergency call for a marine biologist to help a beached whale. Elaine gets the opportunity to work with a great Russian writer, Yuri Testikov, but when a computerized organizer starts beeping he tosses it out the window and hits a passer-by, Corinne, in the head. She finds Jerry's number and asks him to pay for her medical expenses. Jerry gets Elaine to ask Testikov for the money. Kramer goes to hit golf balls into the ocean from the beach and is plagued by sand in his clothing.
Writer: Ron Hauge, Charlie Rubin
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: George Murdoch, Carol Kane, Wayne Knight
THE PIE -- Episode 76 (02/17/94)
When Jerry's date, Audrey, refuses to taste his pie without giving him a reason, Jerry becomes suspicious of her, not to mention obsessed. They later dine at her father's restaurant but when Jerry sees her father make their pizza after not washing his hands after using the restroom he refuses to eat the dinner. Kramer spots a mannequin that looks just like Elaine at a ritzy store. When George and Elaine go to check it out, George finds a suit he wants to buy for an interview. The salesperson tells him the suit will be half-off in two days, so George stands watch at the store so nobody will buy it. Elaine returns to the store and kidnaps the mannequin. Kramer develops a back itch and the cashier at the coffee shop offers to scratch his back. In a few days the itch is gone, but the woman seems to enjoy scratching his back so much Kramer doesn't have the heart to tell her she isn't needed.
Writer: Tom Gammill, Max Pross
Director: Tom Cherones
THE CONVERSION -- Episode 72 (12/16/93)
George decides to convert to the Latvian Orthodox religion to keep Sasha from breaking up with him. After he converts he surprises her with the news only to learn she is going to spend a year in Latvia. Jerry tries to date one of his neighbors, Tawni, but when he finds a fungicide in her bathroom he gets suspicious. Elaine is dating a podiatrist and asks him what the fungicide would be used for. He thinks Elaine has the fungus and tries to break up with her. Jerry learns the fungicide is for Tawni's cat but it is too late to help Elaine with her date. Kramer meets a soon-to-be nun who falls in love with him at the Latvian Orthodox Church. Feeling guilty for the power he has over women, he visits the priest for a cure.
Writer: Bruce Kirschbaum
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Kimberly Campbell, Tom Verica, Jerry Stiller
THE STALL -- Episode 73 (01/06/94)
When Elaine's bathroom stall is out of toilet paper, she asks the woman in the stall next to her for a square. The woman, Jane, refuses to help. Jane later tells her date, Jerry about this rude woman in the bathroom. Elaine is dating Tony, an adrenaline junky who she later admits to only be dating for his looks. George develops a fondness for Tony and is talked into going rock climbing with Tony and Kramer. When Tony falls off the rock, his face gets cut. Elaine now must decide if she should continue dating him. Kramer is convinced that Jane is also the phone sex woman he has been calling. Jerry tries to keep Jane from meeting Elaine to avoid further confrontation over the bathroom incident.
Writer: Larry Charles
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Jami Gertz, Dan Cortese
THE DINNER PARTY -- Episode 74 (02/03/94)
Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer are invited to a dinner party. They decide to stop along the way and bring a bottle of wine and a dessert. When Jerry and Elaine get to the bakery they forget to take a number so Elaine asks the couple who arrived after them for their number - but they refuse. Elaine gets very angry only to learn that the couple is going to the same dinner party. To top it all off, the couple buys the last chocolate bapka, which is what Jerry and Elaine wanted to bring. Kramer and George go to pick up a bottle of wine, but the store clerk refuses George's $100 bill. When they return to the store with smaller bills, George knocks over a case of wine with his big gore-tex coat. Kramer and George return to Kramer's car only to learn they have been blocked in by what turns out to be a Saddam Hussein look alike (or is it?)
Writer: Larry David
Director: Tom Cherones
THE MARINE BIOLOGIST -- Episode 75 (02/10/94)
When Jerry runs into an old classmate of his and George's, she asks what George is up to. Jerry, trying to cover for George's misfortune tells her that George is a marine biologist. When she and George go out on a date at a seafood restaurant on the shore - there is an emergency call for a marine biologist to help a beached whale. Elaine gets the opportunity to work with a great Russian writer, Yuri Testikov, but when a computerized organizer starts beeping he tosses it out the window and hits a passer-by, Corinne, in the head. She finds Jerry's number and asks him to pay for her medical expenses. Jerry gets Elaine to ask Testikov for the money. Kramer goes to hit golf balls into the ocean from the beach and is plagued by sand in his clothing.
Writer: Ron Hauge, Charlie Rubin
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: George Murdoch, Carol Kane, Wayne Knight
THE PIE -- Episode 76 (02/17/94)
When Jerry's date, Audrey, refuses to taste his pie without giving him a reason, Jerry becomes suspicious of her, not to mention obsessed. They later dine at her father's restaurant but when Jerry sees her father make their pizza after not washing his hands after using the restroom he refuses to eat the dinner. Kramer spots a mannequin that looks just like Elaine at a ritzy store. When George and Elaine go to check it out, George finds a suit he wants to buy for an interview. The salesperson tells him the suit will be half-off in two days, so George stands watch at the store so nobody will buy it. Elaine returns to the store and kidnaps the mannequin. Kramer develops a back itch and the cashier at the coffee shop offers to scratch his back. In a few days the itch is gone, but the woman seems to enjoy scratching his back so much Kramer doesn't have the heart to tell her she isn't needed.
Writer: Tom Gammill, Max Pross
Director: Tom Cherones
THE STAND-IN -- Episode 77 (02/24/94)
George wants to break up with his girlfriend but when he learns that someone has told her to break up with him, he decides to keep seeing her just for spite. Jerry agrees to go to the hospital to cheer up a friend of a friend, but he is so uncomfortable that he bombs. While at the hospital he meets someone that he fixes up with Elaine. Elaine agrees to go out with the guy but while on their date, he exposes himself for no good reason. Kramer gets a job as a stand-in on a soap opera and makes friends with another stand-in who is a little person. When the kid who the little person is the stand-in for grows two inches, the little person gets concerned he will lose his job. Kramer offers the solution of wearing platform shoes to make the little person taller. The little person is caught in his platform shoes by another little person who shames him for not accepting his height.
Writer: Larry David
Director: Tom Cherones
THE WIFE -- Episode 78 (03/17/94)
Jerry finds a locket in a pocket of a jacket he had dry cleaned. When he returns the locket to the dry cleaner, the dry cleaner offers him a discount on all cleaning for his family. Jerry's girlfriend, Meryl, wants in on the deal so she declares herself his wife. Jerry has fun playing along with Meryl until they run into Uncle Leo at the cleaners. Leo gets bent out of shape when Jerry introduces his 'wife' to him. Elaine tries to go out with an arrogant guy at the gym, Greg (only to find out he wants to date the manager). Greg catches George urinating in the shower and tries to have him expelled from the gym. Kramer goes to meet the parents of his new girlfriend, Anna, who happens to be black. He falls asleep in the tanning bed, thus embarrassing himself in front of her family.
Writer: Peter Mehlman
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Courtney Cox, Len Lesser, Scott LaRose, Lili Bern
THE RAINCOATS -- Episode 79 (04/28/94)
Jerry's parents, Morty and Helen, come to visit on their way to a vacation in Paris. Elaine's boyfriend, Aaron (who is a close talker), tries very hard to be nice and takes Jerry's parents everywhere he goes with Elaine, and even without her. George's parents invite the Seinfelds over for dinner, but they come up with excuses not to go. George catches on that the Seinfelds don't like his parents sending him and the Costanzas into a rage. Kramer strikes a deal with Morty to sell Morty's raincoats to a vintage clothing store. When George sells his father's old clothes to the same store, the owner finds moths in the boxes forcing him to not accept any more clothes from people 'off the street.' This blows the deal with Morty and Kramer. Jerry tries to get time alone with this girlfriend, Rachel. He finally is able to take her to 'Schindler's List' where Newman catches them making out. Newman tells Rachel's father who forces her to break up with Jerry.
Writer: Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Judge Reinhold
THE FIRE -- Episode 80 (05/05/94)
Kramer is getting his coffee table book published and is assigned to Toby as his editor. Toby is an eternally happy person who really gets under Elaine's skin. Kramer invites her to see Jerry's comedy act which is being reviewed by 'Entertainment Weekly,' and Toby starts heckling him, causing him to blow his routine. Jerry gets revenge by heckling Toby at her office. She runs out of the office and gets her pinky toe severed by a hotdog cart. Kramer finds the pinky toe, commandeers a bus and gets it to the hospital. Elaine loses out to Toby who gets a promotion out of sympathy. George realizes he is a coward when he yells fire and runs out during a birthday party of his girlfriend's son's.
Writer: Larry Charles
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Melanie Chartoff, Dom Irrera, Veanne Cox
THE HAMPTONS -- Episode 81 (05/12/94)
Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer go to the Hamptons to visit their friends Carol and Michael and their newest baby. George brings Jane, his new girlfriend, in anticipation of finally having sex with her. When George leaves to get some Hampton tomatoes to bring back to his mother, Jane decides to sunbathe topless - in front of Jerry, Kramer and Elaine. When George learns that everyone has seen Jane topless except him, he is very upset and tries to see Jerry's girlfriend, Rachel, naked. When the baby turns out to be quite ugly, they all try to hide their opinion from Carol and Michael. Carol tries to fix-up Elaine with the baby's pediatrician, Ben.
Writer: Peter Mehlman, Carol Leifer
Director: Tom Cherones
THE OPPOSITE -- Episode 82 (05/19/94)
George discovers that because his life has been full of bad decisions, he should do everything exactly the opposite of his instincts. His theory works as he starts dating a beautiful woman, gets a job with the Yankees and is able to move out of his parents house. Elaine's life also changes as bad decisions cause bad things to start happening to her; she loses her boyfriend and possibly her job. Jerry discovers that he always breaks even; if something bad happens, something good always follows. Kramer goes on 'Regis and Kathie Lee' to promote his coffee table book.
Writer: Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Andy Cowan
Director: Tom Cherones
Guest Cast: Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford, Siobahn Fallon