The Red Dot -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: December 11th, 1991 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Richard Fancy (as Mr. Lippman), David Naughton (as Dick), and Bridget Sienna (as Evie). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Setting: Pendant Publishing office building] (A Christmas party is going on as Jerry and George enter in mid-argument) JERRY: Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about. GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Oh, no, you do. JERRY: What-what do you think, they put the statue on a giant raft and a tug boat pulled it all the way from France? GEORGE: What do you think, they brought it over in pieces and screwed it all together like a coffee table? JERRY: (Looking around at the various party members) What's going on here? It's a little early for a Christmas party, isn't it? GEORGE: Why did France give that to us, anyway? JERRY: It was a gift. GEORGE: So countries just exchange gifts like that? JERRY: (Nodding) If they like each other? GEORGE: (Pointing) There's Elaine. (Elaine and a co-worker are laughing and talking across the room) JERRY: Oh, see that guy she's talking with? That's her new boyfriend. GEORGE: Really? He works here in the office? JERRY: Yeah, they're having a little fling, so don't say anything to anyone. GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Who am I gonna tell, my mother? Like I have nothing better to talk about. JERRY: (Pointing out) You don't. (George nods slightly - agreeing. Jerry adds) He's a recovering alcoholic. GEORGE: (Somewhat interested) Really? JERRY: Yeah, he's been off the wagon two years. GEORGE: (Questioning the phrase) "Off the wagon"? JERRY: I think it's off the wagon. GEORGE: (Correcting) I think it's ON the wagon. (Scoffs at Jerry) (Elaine, having just noticed Jerry and George, leaves Dick to greet them) ELAINE: Jerry? George? What are you doing here? JERRY: (Reaching into his pocket) "What am I doing here?" (Pulls Elaine's watch out) Ba-boom! ELAINE: (Shrieks out in joy) My God! My watch! You found my watch! (Shoves him back playfully) JERRY: Hey, keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for ya. ELAINE: Where did you find it? JERRY: Under the sofa cushion. ELAINE: (Touched) You stopped by just to give it to me? JERRY: (Arms out) It's your Christmas present! ELAINE: (Laughs) I thought I'd never find it. (Puts it on) GEORGE: Well, it's your lucky day. ELAINE: No, today's YOUR lucky day. GEORGE: It would be my first one.. ELAINE: (Smiling) You wanna work here? GEORGE: What? ELAINE: Yeah, one of the readers just left. There's a job opening. (Dick, Elaine's new boyfriend, approaches and stands behind Elaine) Oh, um, Dick, this is Jerry, and this is George. JERRY: Hi, nice to meet ya. DICK: (To Elaine, looking at Jerry) Is this the guy? JERRY: (Questioning, to George) "the guy"? ELAINE: (Scolding) Dick.. GEORGE: (About the job offer) How could you just get it? ELAINE: My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. C'mon. GEORGE: But, uh.. ELAINE: No, no, no, C'mon. C'mon. (To Jerry) Here, hold my drink. JERRY: (Accepts it) Cranberry juice? ELAINE: And Vodka. C'mon. (Takes George's arm, leading him to another room on the floor) DICK: (Referring to his own cup) I got the cranberry juice.. (Jerry and Dick both set the drinks they're holding down on a nearby table) So, uh, you're Jerry. JERRY: (Making fun of the greeting) So.. I'm Jerry. (Scene cuts to George, Elaine, and Mr. Lippman) LIPPMAN: So, have you ever done this kinda work before? GEORGE: (Somewhat nervous) Well, uh, you know.. book reports.. that kinda stuff. (Elaine and Lippman both laugh, taking it as a joke) LIPPMAN: Who do you read? GEORGE: I, uh, I like Mike Lupica. LIPPMAN: Mike Lupica? GEORGE: He's a sports writer for the "Daily News". I find him very insightful. LIPPMAN: No, no, no. I mean - I mean, authors. GOERGE: Ohhh.. (Laughs nervously) Ah, a lotta good ones.. (Struggling to find an author's name) Lotta.. good ones. Uh.. I - I don't even want to mention anybody because I'm afraid I'm gonna leave somebody out. LIPPMAN: (Persistent) Name a couple. GEORGE: Who do I like? I like.. uh.. Art.. Vandelay. LIPPMAN: Art Vandelay? GEORGE: (Nods) He's an obscure writer. Beatnik.. You know, out on the village.. LIPPMAN: (Shrugs) What's he written? GEORGE: "Venetian Blinds". (Scene cuts back to Jerry and Dick) DICK: (Picking up Elaine's drink on accident) I got news for ya, (Menacing tone) I'm funnier than you are. (Walks off) JERRY: (Jokingly calling after Dick) Hey, why don't we get together New Years Day and watch some football? (Elaine and George approach Jerry) ELAINE: Where's my drink? JERRY: (Pointing at Dick's drink) There. (She picks it up, drinks from it) So, how'd it go? GEORGE: I think he's impressed. ELAINE: Mmm.. (Shaking her head) No, no, no. This is just cranberry juice. JERRY: (Realizing) Oh, um, I think, maybe, Dick.. picked up yours. ELAINE: Dick? (Near whisper) He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it. JERRY: I didn't know you meant HOLD it. I thought you meant hold it. ELAINE: One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon! GEORGE: (Quick, pointing at Jerry) Told you! (Scene ends) [Setting: A woman's clothing store] (Jerry and George are looking around) JERRY: I never feel comfortable in the woman's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.. GEORGE: Do I really have to buy her something? JERRY: Hey, the woman got you a job - the least you could do is buy her a gift. (Notices a nearby sweater on a table) How about this? GEORGE: (Scoffs) What is that, cashmere? JERRY: (Picking it up) Yeah, she loves cashmere. GEORGE: Who doesn't like cashmere?! Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive. JERRY: (Reading the price tag) Look at this, it's 85 dollars - marked down from 600. GEORGE: Wow. (Getting the attention of a saleswoman) Uh, excuse me, Miss? SALESWOMAN: Yes? GEORGE: (Takes the sweater as Jerry hands it to him) How come this sweater is only 85 dollars? SALESWOMAN: Oh, here, this is why. (Directs his attention to a small area on the sweater) GEORGE: What? I don't see anything. SALESWOMAN: See this red dot? GEORGE: Oh.. yeah. JERRY: Oh, it's damaged. (Goes to put it back, George quickly snatches it out of his hands) GEORGE: Well, it's not really damaged. (To saleswoman) Uh, 85 dollars, huh? SALESWOMAN: Mm-hmm. There's no exchanges on this. (Walks off) GEORGE: You think she'd care about the dot? JERRY: It's hard to say. GEORGE: I - I don't even think she'd notice it. (Holds it up) Can you see it? JERRY: Well, I can see it. GEORGE: Yeah, but you know where it is. JERRY: Well, what do you want me to do? Not look at it? GEORGE: (Holding it behind his back) Pretend you didn't know it was there. (Holds it back up) Can you see it? JERRY: It's hard for me to pretend because I know where it is. GEORGE: Well, just take an overview. Can't you take an overview?! JERRY: You want me to take an overview? GEORGE: Please! JERRY: I see a very cheap man holding a sweater, trying to get away with something. That's my overview. (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] NOT YET FINISHED.