The Revenge -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: April 18, 1991 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Fred Applegate (as Levitan), and John Capodice (as Vic). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Setting: Night club] JERRY: Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some criminal/terrorist/psycho/maniac/mass murderer guy, you notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat? What is he worried about? I mean, what is this man's reputation that he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what is he, up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is going to catch this on TV and go, "Isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in that clock tower picking off people one by one. I don't know if that's the kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude." (Scene ends) [Setting: Levitan's office] (Levitan, George's boss is on the phone) LEVITAN: She was great.. You don't want to know.. Hey, Brecky, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George.. (Laughs) Get this.. I got it all on video. (George bursts into the room) GEORGE: That’s it! This is it! I’m done. Through. It’s over. I’m gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. (Laughs) You think you’re an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke! These people are laughing at you. You’re nothing! You have no brains, no ability. Nothing! (Knocks an object on his desk over) I quit! (Storms out) (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry's getting ready for Laundry day. Kramer enters) KRAMER: Hey. JERRY: Hey. KRAMER: Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o’clock in the morning to tell me he’s going up onto the roof to kill himself. JERRY: Well, what’d you say? KRAMER: I said “ Jump.” He’s been threatening to do this for years. I said “ Look, if you’re gonna kill yourself do it already, and stop bothering me.” At least I’d respect the guy for accomplishing something. JERRY: What’s his problem? KRAMER: No job. No women. JERRY: (Sarcastic) He called the right guy. KRAMER: What am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him? JERRY: All right, I’m leaving. I going to the laundry. KRAMER: Why don’t you use the machines down in the basement? JERRY: Fluff and fold. The only way to live. (Snaps his fingers in tune with his words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It’s a delight. KRAMER: How ‘bout if I put a few things- JERRY: Wait a sec. I don’t wanna do- KRAMER: Why? You’re going over there. JERRY: I don’t wanna mix in everything! My guys don’t know your guys. You can’t just lock ‘em all in the same machine together. They’ll start a riot. KRAMER: Have you ever met my guys? JERRY: No. I can’t say as I have. KRAMER: Well! JERRY: All right. Put ‘em on top. (Kramer takes off his shirt) Oh, beautiful.. (Scene ends) [Setting: Laundromat] (Jerry puts his bag on the scale. Vic, the owner, shows up) JERRY: (Gesturing to his pile) This stuff on top is my friend's. Can I get it done in a separate machine? VIC: I’ll have to charge you for another machine. JERRY: Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because, something could, you know, jump across. (George enters, and walks over to Jerry) GEORGE: Guess what? JERRY: How did you know I was here? GEORGE: Kramer. Guess what? JERRY: I don’t know. GEORGE: I quit my job. JERRY: Get outta here. GEORGE: I couldn’t take it anymore. VIC: You can have this on Monday. JERRY: What happened? Levitan? GEORGE: I go in to use his private bathroom.. everybody uses it, and then I get a memo, a memo telling me to use the men’s room in the hall. Well, we share it with Pace Electronics. It’s disgusting! JERRY: You and your toilets. GEORGE: I snapped! It was the last straw. (Sighs) JERRY: So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate? GEORGE: Nobody’s hiring now. The market’s terrible. JERRY: So what are you gonna do? (George searches for an answer. Comes up with nothing. Scene ends) [Setting: Coffee shop] GEORGE: ..I like sports. I could do something in sports. JERRY: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.. In what capacity? GEORGE: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something. JERRY: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get. GEORGE: Well, it doesn’t even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a caller man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game. JERRY: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments. GEORGE: What about that? JERRY: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting. GEORGE: Well, that’s really not fair. JERRY: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like? GEORGE: Movies. I like to watch movies. JERRY: (Nodding) Yeah. Yeah. GEORGE: Do they pay people to watch movies? JERRY: Projectionists. GEORGE: That’s true. JERRY: But you gotta know how to work the projector. GEORGE: Right. JERRY: And it’s probably a union thing. GEORGE: (Scoffs) Those unions. (Sighs) Okay. Sports.. movies.. What about a talk show host? JERRY: Talk show host. That’s good. GEORGE: I think I’d be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I’d be a good talk show host. JERRY: Really? GEORGE: Yeah. A couple of people.. I don’t get that, though. Where do you start? JERRY: Well, that’s where it gets tricky. GEORGE: You can’t just walk into a building and say “ I wanna be a talk show host.” JERRY: I wouldn’t think so. GEORGE: It’s all politics. (A moment passes. George can't think of anything else) JERRY: All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else? GEORGE: This could have been a huge mistake. JERRY: Well, it doesn’t sound like you completely thought this through. GEORGE: (Sighs) What should I do? JERRY: Maybe you can just go back. GEORGE: Go back? JERRY: Yeah. Pretend like it never happened. GEORGE: You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened? JERRY: Sure. You’re an emotional person. People don’t take you seriously. GEORGE: Just.. go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened. JERRY: Never happened. GEORGE: I was just blowin’ off a little steam. So what? JERRY: So what? You’re entitled. GEORGE: I’m emotional. JERRY: That’s right. You’re emotional. GEORGE: Never happened. JERRY: Never happened. (Scene ends) [Setting: Night club] JERRY: To me, the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office is when you go in in the morning, you say "Hi" to everyone, and they, for some reason - throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day, every time you see them. You walk in in the morning, "Morning, Bill. Morning Bob, how ya doin'? Fine." Ten minutes later, you see them in the hall. "How ya doin'?" Every time you pass, you gotta come up with another little greeting, you know? You start wracking your brains. You know, you do the little eyebrow.. you know. Start coming up with nicknames for the, "Jimbo.." (Scene ends) [Setting: Conference room] (George enters casually. No one really notices him) GEORGE: (To a former co-worker) How ya doin’? GLENDA: What are you doing here? GEORGE: What? I work here. GLENDA: I thought you quit. GEORGE: What quit? (Laughing) Who quit? (Sits down) DAN: (To Brecky) Bill, how was your weekend? BILL: Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend? DAN: Fine weekend. GEORGE: Yeah. Good weekend. DAN: Went up to the cape. Took the kids sailing. (Laughing) Lisa was a little scared at first, but that kid's gonna be a good sailor someday. GEORGE: (Rudely butting into the conversation) Aw, she’s gonna be a fine sailor. (Levitan enters) LEVITAN: Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon? AVA: I got a little tied up. LEVITAN: I’ll bet you did. (Laughter breaks out in boardroom) LEVITAN: I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick-Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o’clock in Lasky’s Bar, Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really means a lot to me. (To the person next to him) Is that Costanza over there? (Yelling out to George) What are you doing here? GEORGE: (Innocently) What? LEVITAN: Am I crazy, or didn’t you quit? GEORGE: When? LEVITAN: Friday. GEORGE: Oh, What? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn’t quit. What? You took that seriously? LEVITAN: You mean, "laughingstock"? All that stuff? GEORGE: Come on. Will you stop it? LEVITAN: No brains? No ability? GEORGE: Teasing. LEVITAN: ..Okay. I want you outta here. GEORGE: I don’t know where you’re getting this from. I... you’re serious aren’t you? (Levitan stares at George) ..You see, you just.. you don't know my sense of humor. I mean, Dan don't I joke around all the time? DAN: I wouldn't say all the time. LEVITAN: You can’t win. You can’t beat me. That’s why I’m here and you’re there. Because I’m a winner. I’ll always be a winner and you’ll always be a loser. (Scene ends) [Setting: Laundromat] GEORGE: "I’ll always be a winner and you’ll always be a loser." This is what he said to me. JERRY: Well, so that’s that. GEORGE: No. That’s not that. JERRY: That’s not that? GEORGE: No. JERRY: Well, if that’s not that, what is that? GEORGE: I’ve got some plans.. I got plans. JERRY: What kind of plans? GEORGE: What’s the difference? JERRY: You don’t wanna tell me? GEORGE: (Looks around conspiratorially) I’m gonna slip him a mickey. JERRY: What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What? Are you Peter Lorre? GEORGE: You don’t understand. He’s got this big party coming up. He’s been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing. JERRY: What if you destroy him? GEORGE: No. No. No. No. No. Don’t worry. It’s perfectly safe. I researched it. He’ll get a little woozy. (Jerry gives him a look) He might keel over. JERRY: Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal. GEORGE: This is what they would do in the movies! It’s a beautiful thing! It’s like a movie! I’m gonna slip him a mickey! JERRY: You’ve really gone mental. GEORGE: Nah. JERRY: Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can’t believe I’m saying "mickey"! GEORGE: I got a source. JERRY: You got a mickey sauce? GEORGE: And Elaine is gonna keep him busy. JERRY: Elaine? How did you rope her into this? GEORGE: I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife. JERRY: She knew that. GEORGE: But she didn’t know he doesn’t recycle. JERRY: What is the point of all this? GEORGE: Revenge. JERRY: Oh, the best revenge is living well. GEORGE: There’s no chance of that. (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry enters and sets the laundry bag on the sofa. Kramer enters) JERRY: Did you get your laundry? KRAMER: (Unsettled) Yeah. JERRY: What’s with you? KRAMER: He jumped. JERRY: What?! KRAMER: Yeah, Newman jumped. JERRY: Did he call you last night? KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. JERRY: What did you say? KRAMER: I said "Wave to me when you pass my window." JERRY: Whew. Did he wave? KRAMER: No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He’s lying out there faking. See, he’s trying to get back at me. (Jerry opens the laundry bag. He stops, frozen) JERRY: Oh, my God! KRAMER: What’s the matter? (Jerry dumps the laundry bag out, searching through it frantically) JERRY: Well, on Thursday when I came home from Detroit, I had $1,500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag, and then I completely forgot about it.. and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let’s go. KRAMER: Where? Where? JERRY: To the laundromat. (Scene cuts to the laundromat) VIC: I never saw it. KRAMER: Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What - what are you doing? VIC: Hey, you see that sign right there? (Points to a sign that reads, "Not responsible for valuables.") JERRY: Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? You're not a part of society. VIC: Yeah, that's right, because this is my country. And I'm the president, and that (Points to the sign) is my constitution. "I'm not responsible." JERRY: So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry. VIC: You ever hear of a bank? JERRY: (To Kramer) Come on. Let’s go. KRAMER: No. You can’t let him get away with this. (Scene ends) [Setting: Bar] (Elaine and George are at the office party. They're standing by the door, trying to look inconspicuous. Elaine is dressed to kill) ELAINE: Which one is he? GEORGE: That’s him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish. ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I see him. GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this. ELAINE: Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison? GEORGE: This is by far the most exciting thing I’ve ever done. ELAINE: Yeah. It is kind of cool. GEORGE: First time in my life I’ve ever gotten back at someone. ELAINE: I can’t believe we’re doing this. This is the kind of thing they do in the movies. GEORGE: That’s exactly what I told Jerry! ELAINE: Really? GEORGE: Yes! (Both laughing) God, I’ve never felt so alive! (Scene ends) [Setting: Laundromat] (Jerry and Kramer stand at the front. Jery's carry a laundry bag full of cement) JERRY: Maybe we should call this off. KRAMER: Come on. What’s the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine. JERRY: And what’s gonna happen? KRAMER: Well, it’ll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it’ll be a solid block! JERRY: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You’re like Lex Luthor. (Hands Kramer the bag) KRAMER: You keep him busy. (Kramer takes the bag and heads for a machine. He stumbles back with the bag, and crashes into the machine in his own doofus-like Kramer way) (Scene ends) [Setting: Bar] GEORGE: You go over there. ELAINE: Yeah. GEORGE: You start flirting with him and I’ll come by and, while you’re keeping him busy, I’ll slip it in his drink. ELAINE: Wouldn’t it be easier just to punch him in the mouth? (Walks over to the bar, and sits on Levitan's left. He's talking to a co-worker) LEVITAN: Come on! They’re terrible. They got no infield. ELAINE: (Purposely elbows him) Oops! ‘Scuse me. LEVITAN: Yeah. C0-WORKER: I’m gonna get some food. You want some? LEVITAN: Nah. ELAINE: Hi. LEVITAN: Hi. (Levitan is not interested in Elaine. He goes back to his drink. Elaine tries to get his attention by letting out a fake sneeze) LEVITAN: God bless you. ELAINE: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (Blows her nose) Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you’s. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone, I really thank them. So, thank.. yoooou! LEVITAN: You’re welcome. (Turns away. He's still not interested) ELAINE: (Attempting to attract him) People don’t say “ God bless you “ as much as they used to. Have you noticed that? LEVITAN: No. (She's really failing. She decides to go all-out and attract him through a different approach) ELAINE: So, I’m going to a nudist colony next week. LEVITAN: (Extremely interested) Nudist colony? ELAINE: (Signals to George) Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me.. unwind. LEVITAN: (Laughing) I’d never been to a nudist colony. ELAINE: Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They’re great. They’re great. Of course, when it’s over, it’s - it’s hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I’ll just lock the door to my office and I’ll just sit there naked. LEVITAN: Seriously? ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a.. couple hours a day. (George arrives, but the seat on the right of Levitan is taken by a fat co-worker named Glenda) GEORGE: (Whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat? GLENDA: (Angry at George) What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats. GEORGE: [whispering] I can’t explain. It’s very important that I sit here. GLENDA: What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired. GEORGE: (Whispering) Okay. Okay. Fine. ELAINE: I cook naked, I clean... I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. Naked. Naked. LEVITAN: (Amazed) Who are you? ELAINE: Oh, you don’t wanna know, mistah. I’m trouble. Big trouble. (Scene ends) [Setting: Laundromat] (Kramer is in the back, struggling with the bag of cement. He's getting cement all over the place. Jerry's trying hard to keep Vic occupied) JERRY: What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that? Do you think it’s effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle? What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament? What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks? (Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing. His clothes are covered with dry concrete) KRAMER: I didn’t realize it was a full box. (Scene ends) [Setting: Bar] (George approaches a reluctant Glenda. He wants that seat) GEORGE: I’m gonna count to three. If you don’t give up the chair, the wig is coming off. GLENDA: I don’t’ wear a wig. GEORGE: One.. (Glenda quickly gets up and leaves. George takes her seat) ELAINE: No. No. No. No. No. I don’t really have a phone. In fact, I - I really don’t have an apartment. I kinda sleep around. (Elaine and Levitan both laugh. George gets ready to put the powder in Levitan's drink) I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants.. (Trying to help George out) Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra. (Levitan closes his eyes. Elaine signals George - he puts the powder in. Elaine whispers in Levitan's ear, then they both break out laughing) GEORGE: (Greeting Levitan) Hello, Rick. LEVITAN: (Laughing) Hey, Look who’s here! GEORGE: That’s right, Ricky Boy, it’s me! LEVITAN: You know something, Costanza? I’m a very lucky man. GEORGE: Oh? LEVITAN: I’ve always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap. (Looks at Elaine) You wouldn’t believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I’m glad you’re here. You know, maybe I’ve been a little rough on ya, huh? GEORGE: Oh? LEVITAN: Why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? I, uh, I want you to come back. You can use my bathroom anytime you want. GEORGE: You want me to come back? LEVITAN: (Calling out to the room) Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast! GEORGE: (Trying to stop him from drinking his drink) Rick.. LEVITAN: (Gets up with his drink. George is trying to stop him) Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick-Barr Properties.. GEORGE: Uh, Rick.. LEVITAN: And all the people in this room, that made that possible.. GEORGE: Rick. LEVITAN: (Puts his hand on George's shoulder) I’d also like to welcome back into the fold our - our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn’t really have a very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I’ll never know. But, hey, what the hell, huh? We’ve always enjoyed his antics around the office.. Heh heh. (To George) Anything you wanna add to this? GEORGE: (Angry at his speach) Drink up. (Levitan drinks it down in one gulp) (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (George is slumped on the sofa) GEORGE: ..I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something. ELAINE: Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree. JERRY: Yeah. That’s true. (Kramer enters with an envelope) What? (Kramer holds it out to him) My God, the money! The 1500! Where’d you find it? KRAMER: It was in my laundry. JERRY: In your laundry?! The whole time?! I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be? KRAMER: It was about 1200 bucks. NEWMAN: (Calling out from on top of the building) Kramer! KRAMER: Oh! That’s Newman. NEWMAN: I’m on the roof! (Kramer walks over to the window, and yells up to the roof) KRAMER: Well, what are you waiting for?! JERRY: Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money.. GEORGE: I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy. KRAMER: (Yelling up to Newman) You wanna shoot some pool tonight? NEWMAN: I can’t. I’m goin’ to the movies. (Jerry and Elaine both leave) GEORGE: Nah. It’s probably a union thing.. (Scene ends) [Setting: Night club] JERRY: People like the idea of revenge. Did you ever hear the expression "The best revenge is living well."? I've said this. In other words, I means, supposedly, the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. Sounds nice. Doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson kind of level, you know what I mean? Those movies where his whole family just gets wiped out by some street scum. You know, the guy could go up to him a go, "Charlie, forget the .357 magnum, you need a custom made suit, and a convertible. New carpeting, a divan, French doors, that'll show those punks." END OF SHOW.