ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл JERRY SEINFELD "I'm Telling You For The Last Time" ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл transcript by Paulo G.G. Moreira (PGM09@yahoo.com) Portugal, 16-29.Jan.2000 all material written and performed by Jerry Seinfeld recorded live at the Broadhurst Theater on August 6, 7, 8 and 9, 1998. This was a big one, 72 minutes ! Thanks, Etienne Forest, for your help in transcribing a few words. This transcript was made from the CD version of the show. Although this material might be funny to read, it is not as funny as the real thing, audio or video. So if you like what you read here, get the original, because you'll enjoy it much more. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 1) INTRO / PHONES Ladies and gentlemen... Jerry Seinfeld. Okay ! Good night, good night everybody ! Well well well... I can't believe you made it. I don't even know how you got tickets. (man from the audience): Broker ! "Broker !" Not a very good one, I see. My guy got me right on stage. This is the Broadhurst Theater. It's a... legendary theater, I know... nothing about it. I picked it because... (phone rings in the audience) Oh, let me get that, let me get that. That's for me, I asked them to hold my phone. That is so embarrassing, isn't it ? I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often though, because it's hard to (whispering) "oh wait, put it on the vibrate only". Oh the phones, what we have got nuts with the phones, haven't we ? We're crazy with the phones ! This guy thinks he needs that phone ! The thing that amuses me the most about the phone machine is how often we call people now, trying to get the machine. That's what's happened now with the machine. If it's the person that picks up, then you're... "oh !... I... oh I didn't... I didn't think you would be there... I... I just wanted to leave a message saying "Sorry I missed you" ". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 2) CAB DRIVERS So what's with the cab drivers and the B.O. ? How long are these shifts ? Do they ever stop or do they just get in the cab and just drive 'till they're dead ? That's what it's starting to smell like in some of these cars. You're in the back there and you're going "oh man ! And then they give you that... they have that cherry stuff... the cherry "pop-it" on the dash, you know, so you get the cherry B.O., which is supposed to be some sort of improvement I guess, I don't know, I can't imagine even... fruit going that long without showering. And the way they're driving, they're so insane, you could see they're upset ! I don't know what it's like to drive a cab, it must be very difficult because they're very upset, these people. And some times you just wanna lean over that seat and go "what is happening in your life, in your mind, that is making you drive like this ?! Take it easy ! To me the really funny thing about New York cabs is that you never get that much scared... when you're in the cab. I don't know why, something about being in Manhattan. No matter how dangerous it seems... it's all quite amusing in the back of that cab, isn't it ? He's flying around the road, he's... doing 90 up a one-way, and you're going... (amused) "I've never tried that in my car !". It's all a huge joke ! It's your life. And somehow it's all happening on TV there, it's all not quite real. The dumbest thing you can think in the back of a taxi cab is "well I'm sure the man knows what he's doing." Have you ever thought that ? "He is driving fast. And quite recklessly. On bald tires. But after all he's a professional. I guess he does this all the time. He's got a license, I can see it right there". I don't even know what it takes to get a cab driver's license. I think all you need is a face. This seems to be their big qualification. "That's the law now, no blank heads are allowed to drive cabs". It also helps to have a name with like, 8 consonants in a row. What is that "o" with the line through it ? What letter is that ? I don't remember that letter in school. You need a chart of the elements if you wanna report the guy. "Yes officer, his name was Ammal, and then the symbol for boron... I believe. I had the periodic chart with me at the time, I'm quite certain it was not manganese". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 3) AIR TRAVEL But I love to travel, I'm supposed to go down to Florida... after this. And I might. I might go, I might not. But I just love to fly, I love going in the airport. Always feel safe... in the airport. Thanks to the high caliber individuals we have working at x-ray security. How about this crack squad of savvy motivated personnel ? Feel pretty good with them at the helm. The way you wanna setup your x-ray security is: you want the short heavy set woman at the front with the skin-tight uniform. That's your first line of defense. You want those pants sprayed on. You want them so tight... the flap in front of the zipper has pulled itself open, you can see the metal tangs hanging on for dear life. Then you got that other genius down at the other end, looking in the TV screen. This Einstein has chosen to stand in front of x-rays 14 hours a day. As his profession. (imitates x-ray machine) vrrrr vrrrr vrrrr... He's looking in the TV set. I always look in the TV set, I cannot make out one object. I don't know what this guy is doing. It's my own bags, I can't understand one thing: "what was that ?". He's going "what is that, a hairdryer with a scope on it ?... That looks okay, keep it moving". "Some sort of bowling ball candle ? That's fine, just... we don't want to hold up the line, don't hold up the line". When I go in the bathroom at the airport, now I don't know who designs and makes these decisions, but why is it that we're not allowed to have an actual "twisted-on, twisted off" human-style faucet... in the bathroom ? Is it too risky for the general public to be in charge... of the water flow ? They have to always put in those one-handed spring-loaded pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets ? Do you know the ones I mean, when you gotta go "Hey, I got a little water there ! Oh oh, another couple drops !" What is it that they think we would do... if we could have the faucet ? Just turn them all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes ? "Come on, the water's on ! Let's go !!! I turned it on full blast !" "You idiot, we're business men, we're gonna miss our plane !" "Who cares ? Water !!!" That's what they think we'll do. Do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world ?! What do they think, that they have their little country out there ? "Tuna sandwich, 13 dollars, that's what we... tuna's very rare, here. It's all a tiny world in the airport, isn't it ? There's always that tiny table there, tiny computer, everyone's in a little cramped seat, tiny food, tiny utensils, tiny liquor bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirror, tiny faucets. So it's a small problem, gonna be a slight delay, we're gonna be a little late. Then you get on the plane. The pilot's always got to come on the P.A. system. Give you his whole thing of what he's gonna do... "And here's how I'm gonna do it... I'm gonna take it up to 20 000. Then I'm gonna make a left by Chicago. Then I'm gonna go south by...". And we're all back there going "yeah, fine... it's... you know, just do whatever the hell you gotta do, I don't know whatta hell is going on... just... end up where it says on the ticket, okay ? Can you do that ?". Do I bother him, telling him what I'm doing, knocking on the cockpit door, "I'm having the peanuts now. Yeah, that's what we're doing back here. I'm not gonna have them all now. I'm gonna have a few. I don't wanna finish it because it's such a big bag !". Then the stewardess has to come out, put on her little show... with the emergency equipment, this whole performance... that they go through. You know, one of them is behind the curtain, reading the script, and the other one comes out front and acts it out, you know. (singing) "We have seat-belts, oxygen masks and things for you to use...". They show you how to use a seat-belt, in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. "Oh we lift up on the buckle, oh !!! I was trying to just break the metal apart ! I thought that's how it works. I was going to attempt to tear the fabric part of the belt. I thought if I could just get it started...". Then she's gotta close that first class curtain, you know. Before it takes off, and they always give you that little look too "maybe if you'd worked a little harder... I wouldn't have to do this" (imitates curtain being closed) vshhhhh. I'll tell you what place I like in the plane, it's that little bathroom. I go in there, even if I don't have to go. I like it in there, that's like your own little apartment on the plane. You go in there, you close the door, the light comes on after a second, it's always like a little surprise party. I feel good in there. I feel like I look good in that mirror, too. Is it me, am I crazy ? I think that's a flattering mirror, in the airplane bathroom. I don't know, it's something with the lighting or something... And they have so much equipment in that little place, virtually everything that you would have in a normal bathroom is in that teeny weenie tiny bathroom. Including some things that nobody has. Like the slot for used razor blades. Have you seen this ? I have seen this in every single airplane bathroom I have ever been. Who is shaving on the plane ?... first of all, and secondly, shaving so much that they're using up razor blades, I mean... I just don't know why they had to install that. "Make sure that every bathroom... has a place, because they're gonna be doing a lot of shaving. (laughs) I mean, is the Wolfman flying in there or who'd... ? On the full moon, just goes (imitates Wolfman) "aaarrrrr... click click click aaarrrr... click click click". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 4) FLORIDA Yeah, so Florida, I don't know... folks live down there, as you'd assume. You know, they live in those minimum security prisons, that's where they put all the old people. What's with all the security there, with the guard, gay, with the arm coming down, everybody's got a uniform, guns,... Are the old people trying to escape, or... are people stealing old people, what is the security problem ? I get very innerved by the way they drive down there, that's why I don't like being in those communities, because they drive slow, they sit low. That's their model. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. I mean, there is nobody in the car, sometimes ! You just see cars going by, "there was nobody in that car ! It was a completely empty car !". Always with the left turn signal on, from when they left the house that morning. That's a legal turn in Florida, it's known as an "eventual left". What is the age that old people reach where they decide when they back out of the driveway, they're not looking any more ? Do you know how they do that, they just go "well, I'm old... and I'm coming back ! I've survived, let's see if you can". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 5) HALLOWEEN One thing I do like of being down there with the old people is that it makes me feel like I'm little again, like a little kid. And when you're a kid, you can eat amazing amounts of food. And all just candy, that's all I ate when I was a kid. The only thought I had, growing up, was "get... candy". That was my only thought, in my brain, for the 10 years of human life. Just get candy, get candy, get candy, get candy, get candy, get candy. Family, friends, school, these were just obstacles in the way of getting more candy. That's why you had to teach kids not to take candy from strangers, if they're playing in a playground. And they can barely understand it. "Don't..." "No candy ?... From... strangers ? Alright. Candy, strangers, no candy. Alright, because otherwise I'm taking the candy, anywhere I can get it". There's such candy moron, idiot brains, "if this man has candy I'm going with him, goodbye, don't care what happens to me. Get candy, get candy, get candy". "No, don't go, they'll torture you, they'll kidnap you !" "It doesn't matter, he has an 'Oh Henry', I have to take that chance. Get candy, get candy, get candy". So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween, when you're a kid, remember the first time you even heard about it, it's like... your brain can't even... "what is this ?! Who's giving out candy, someone's giving out candy ?! Who is giving out this candy ?! Everyone that we know is just giving out candy ?!!! I gotta be a part of this, take me with you, I wanna do it, I'll do anything that they want...! I can wear that ! I'll wear anything that I have to wear. I'll do anything I have to do. I will get the candy from these fools ! That are so stupidly giving it away". So the first couple of years I made my own costume. They of course, sucked. Ghost, hobo, no good. So I'm begging the parents "you gotta get me one of the ones from the store, the cardboard box, the cellophane top. So one year, third year, finally got a Superman costume... not surprisingly. "Mask included in the set !". Remember the rubber band, on the back of that mask, that was a quality item there, wasn't it ? That was good for about 10 seconds, before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with. The thinnest grey rubber in the world. You go to your first house "trick or -snap- it broke, I don't believe it". "Wait up, I gotta fix it, you guys. Come on. Wait up". That's a kid thing, "wait up". Kids don't want other kids to wait, they must "wait up". "Would you wait up ?". Because when you're little, life is up, you're growing up, everything is up. "Wait up, hold up, shut up !". "Ma, I'm all cleaned up !". "Let me stay up !". Parents, of course, it's just the opposite, "just calm down !". "Slow down !". "Come down here, sit down, put that down !". "You are grounded !". "Keep it down in there !". So I had my Superman Halloween costume, I was physically ready, I was mentally prepared. And I assumed, when I put this costume on, I would probably look exactly like the Superman I had come to know on television and in the movies. Now you remember these costumes, it's not exactly the super-fit !... That you are hoping for ! You look more like you're wearing Superman's pajamas, it's what you look like. It's all loose, and flowing... neck line kinda comes down to about there... (laughs) and you got that flimsy little ribbon string holding it together in the back... of course my mother makes me wear my winter coat over the costume anyway...! "I don't recall Superman wearing a jacket". So you're going out there, you know, and the mask keeps breaking, so the rubber band keeps getting shorter, and keeps making it tighter and tighter on your face... you can't even see... you're trying to breathe through that, remember that little hole, it gets all sweaty in there (imitates very deep breath) .... .... .... And the mask starts slicing into your eyeballs, "I can't see, I can't breathe, but you gotta get the candy, let's keep going !". About a half-hour into it, you take that mask, "oh, the hell with it !". (imitates doorbell) "Bing Bong", "It's me, gimme the candy !". "I'm Superman, look at the pant legs, whatta hell is the difference !" Remember those last few Halloweens, getting a little too old for it. Just kind of going through the motions. "Bing Bong", "come on lady, let's go. Halloween, doorbells, candy, let's pick up the pace in there". They come at the door, they always ask you those same stupid questions: "What are you supposed to be ?" "I'm supposed to be done by now, you wanna move it along, the Three Musketeers... ? I got 18 houses on this block alone. You just hit the bag, we hit the road, that's the routine, let's just pick it up". Sometimes they gave you that little white bag, twisted on the top, you know that's gonna be some crap candy. It's gotta have those official Halloween markings on it. "Hold it lady, wait a second, what is this, the orange marshmallow shaped like a big peanut ? Do me a favour, you keep that one. Yeah, we got all the door-stops we need already, thank you very much. We're going for name candy only, this year". And I think about how I used to eat, when I was a kid. I remember Halloween I would get, you know, I would have like a punch-bowl, and I would fill it with candy. The top of it would be curved, that's how much candy. I would consume that entire punch-bowl, that night ! Next day, feel fantastic. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 6) SUPERMARKETS Food isn't that much easier now, though. See people in the supermarket, just struggling, reading things, looking around. Everyone's all upset in the supermarket. What do I eat, what am I supposed to eat ? The protein, the carbohydrate... fat content... (laughs) People just see "fat content"... "fat content ! It's fat, there's fat in it ! It's gonna be in me !!!". People just going up to people, "you look okay, what are you eating ? Maybe I'll eat that." The whole supermarket is designed to break down your sense of having any kind of life outside the supermarket. It's like a casino. You know, there's no windows, no clocks, no easily accessible exits. Have you ever knocked by anything in the supermarket and tried to get out of there ? There's no way out. You can't get out. People walk up to the supermarket, they really have a sense of purpose, don't they ? They're walking down there, "I'm gonna get this, I'm gonna get that, I'm gonna pay for it, I'm gonna get out of here and get back to my real life". You see that same person 10 minutes later, just... ... "why did I come up this aisle, anyway... ? ...This is a different aisle than I've ever been in before". Always noticing something new... "oh, they got them in mesquite flavour, now. What is mesquite ? Wonder if it's made from mosquitoes..." There's so many subtle insults in a lot of these products, what the hell is "chicken-of-the-sea tuna" ? There's no chickens in the sea ! What do they think, they're afraid to tell us it's a fish ? Afraid we won't understand ? "Just put chicken on the can. They'll think it's chicken that lives in the sea" "I don't want any chickens that live in the sea ! Chickens on the land, fish in the sea ! Don't put chickens in the sea !". That Oscar Mayer's section is creepy too. This guy is inventing meat. There's no olive-loaf animal as far as I know. I've never seen a pig with little pimentos in the side. And that other one, head-cheese, wow !!! Ho ho, I don't think so ! I've always felt the words "head" and "cheese" should never be that close together for any reason. Produce is tricky too, I don't know what's the deal with the produce. I mean, you're supposed to know, that's why you have to just fake it. "Yeah, that's a good one ! Glad I found that one !". Cantaloupes, they're rolling them down the aisle, you know, "see the way that's fading left, that one's not ready, I'm not gonna get that one". Very impressed with that seedless watermelon development. That was quite an accomplishment. Seedless watermelon ! They did it ! It's done. We have it now. What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon, I wonder... Water ? I mean, it's gotta be something. They haven't got the melons humping now, have they ? And what kind of scientists do this kind of work, anyway ? You know, other scientists working on AIDS, cancer, heart disease, these guys are going "no, I wanna focus more on... melon. I think that's the important area. Sure, thousands are dying needlessly, but this... (makes sound) -poom- ...that's gotta stop !". And have you ever tried and pick a wet one off the floor ? It's almost impossible. Milk is a big problem for people on the supermarket. They're never quite sure if they have it, if they need it, they bury it way in the back, in the supermarket. You gotta find it, you gotta hack your way through all the displays, "ah, there it is. There is the milk. Do we have any milk ?". People are never really sure if they have milk. "I think we have milk, we might have milk. I know there's a carton in there, I don't know how much is in it". "Well, what should we do ?" Because you wanna be sure. There's nothing worse than thinking you have milk and not having it. You know, you got the bowl setup, the cereal, the spoon, the napkin, the TV, the newspaper, everything is ready to go. You're gonna lift up the carton and it's too light... "ah !". "Oh no !! Too light !". Or sometimes you think you need milk, "hey, we better pick up some milk". Like many of you are thinking right now. "You know he's right, maybe we should pick up some milk". So you'll pick up some milk on the way home. And then you'll discover you already had milk. And now you got way too much milk. That's no good either, now it's a race against the clock with the expiration date. That freaky thing. Now you're eating giant punch-bowls of cereal, 3 meals a day. You're washing your face with milk. Bringing cats in from all over the neighborhood, "hurry up and drink it ! Come on, it's almost time...!". How do they know that that is the definite exact day ? You know, they don't say "it's in the vicinity", "give or take", "roughly"... They brand it right into the side of the carton (imitates hot-branding) -ssssst- "That's your God-damn day right there ! Oh don't screw with us. We know what day is the final day ! And then it is so over..." Ever had milk the day after the day ? Scares the hell outta you, doesn't it ? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bowl, "it's after the day, I don't know what the hell I'm doing here ! I don't know why I'm doing this ! I smelled it, you smell it, what is it supposed to smell like ?! I never smelled milk !". Maybe the cows tip them off when they're milking them... "July 3rd". So you go to that check-out line, I really appreciate the rubber divider sticks that are available at check-out lines, I think this is a nice supermarket feature. Because you want your items and you want a little property there, too. I don't want other people's items fraternizing with my carefully selected items. Put your sticks down. There's 2 ways to use a rubber divider stick, you can put them on the conveyer belt, or you can hold it there on your hand, it also works like that. Just go "excuse me, those potato chips are getting a little close to my box of doughnuts over there. See the corner of that bag kind of curling against the side of the box, I'm a little worried about that. (imitates hitting with stick) -puck- You paying attention to me ?". So there was a young lady in front of me, the other day. Her total was 3 dollars. She chose to pay by the use of the cheque ! What is with the chicks and the cheques ? Women are using way more cheques than men. Are you aware of this, guys ? Outside, I think, bills, men write 2, 3 cheques a month. Women go through, like, a book a day. And you know how you are when you're on the supermarket line, anyway, you see the person in front of you pull out a cheque, and you're... (shows great boredom and blows on the mic) -pfffffff-. But, if it is a woman in front of you that's writing out the cheque, you will not be waiting long. Because women write out so many cheques, they're so fluent in the procedures, of checking and check writing, it takes them 2 seconds and they're out of there. It's the one thing in their purse they can find immediately. It's the chequebook. Most difficult thing for a woman to find in their purse is keys. They have no idea where the keys are. Sometimes they have to dump it out, rake through it... but the chequebook, they got that, that comes out of a holster, "who do I make it out to ? There's my ID. See you later". You don't see men doing that. Men are totally intimidated by the cheque. To a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother, that says "I don't have any money, but if you contact these people... they'll stick up for me. I gave my money to these people here. And then they gave me these... is that worth anything at all ? I put my name on it. And the amount of money I wish I had". You gotta beg this guy to trust you. And even if he does trust you, how much do you trust him in return ? Not very much, because when you write down the dollar amount on the cheque, you always put that long line, all the way there. So he can't write in "and a hundred million dollars too". I think if you don't finish the line you have to pay that money. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 7) DRUGSTORES The drugstore is even tougher than the supermarket, because now you have no idea what the hell you're looking at. I went in a drugstore last week for a cold medicine, I was totally overwhelmed by it. I'm trying to break it down, I mean, "there's 6000 products here that are perfect for me". It's not easy, you know, "oh, this one is quick-acting... but this one is long-lasting. When do I need to feel good ? Now or later ?". That's a hard question. Ever catch yourself reading ingredients in the drugstore, "oh, .03 tetra-hydrozilin. It's a good amount of that". They know we don't know ! They make up words, they always tell us on TV, "now, with an extra drop of retsin !". Like we're all going "well, finally we're getting some more retsin !". They always tell you how the medicine works on TV, you know the commercials, that's my favourite part where the guy says... "here's the human body". So here's this guy, no face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public. He's always got the tube coming down here, and then the circle area. These are the complex inner-workings of the human body, I assume. I'm sure when you go to medical school, they put that up on the board the first day, "okay everyone, now remember you've got your tube, coming down from the mouth... and that goes into your circle area. That's pretty much all we know. That's it for today. Don't miss tomorrow, we're gonna practice making people wait in a little room in their underwear... and then you'll all be doctors. That's all there is to it. Then they have to show you the pain, you know that part where they say "here's where you hurt". Pain is usually represented by some sort of lightning, attacking the guy. Glowing redness is popular, sometimes parts of the guy's body will just burst into flames... sometimes the whole guy is like out of focus... I never had a doctor say to me: "Are you having any pain ?" "Yes I am" "Are you having any lightning... with the pain ? Have you been in a fun-house mirror at any time ?" Then they tell you about the pain-relieving ingredient, that's my other favourite part of the commercial. It's always "extra-strength...!". There is no more "strength" any more. You can't even get "strength". "Strength" is off the market. It's all "extra-strength". "I need extra" "What's extra ?" "Well, it's... more. We're gonna give you a little, you know, send a little extra your way... don't say anything about it". Some people aren't satisfied with "extra", they want "maximum"! "Gimme the maximum strength ! Give the maximum allowable human dosage ! That's the kind o' pain I'm in ! Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit". And why does that pharmacist have to be 2 and a half feet higher than everybody else ? Who the hell is this guy ? "Clear out everybody, I'm working with pills up here. I can't be down on the floor with you people ! I'm taking pills from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in a little bottle ! And then I gotta type out on a little piece of paper ! It's really hard". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 8) DOCTORS It's that little bit of arrogance in the medical community, I think we could all live without. Like when you go to see the doctor, you don't see the actual doctor first... you must wait in the waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting, that's the name of the room. And you sit there, you pretend you're reading your little magazine, you're actually looking at the other people. "I wonder what he's got... that guy is a goner...". Then they call you, get excited when they call you, because you think now you're gonna see the doctor. But you're not. Now you're going into the next, smaller, waiting room, now you don't even have your magazine. Now you got your pants around your ankles, you're sitting on that butcher paper they pull out over the table... sometimes I bring a pickle with me and I put it next to me right there on the table. I don't know... in case the doctor wants to fold the whole thing up, for a "to go" order. But I hate the extra waiting that I have to do. So sometimes I mess around with his stuff, "maybe I'll turn that up a little bit... whatever the hell that does. Take all the tongue-depressors out, lick them all, put them all back in. Two can play at this waiting game !". Doctor always wants you to take your pants off, "take your pants off and get in there ! I'll speak to you with no pants. You take your pants off and then I'll tell you what I think about everything. I speak to no one wearing pants". It's a little psychological leverage for him ! In any difference of opinion, "pants" always beats "no pants". Just once I'd like to say to that doctor "you know what, I'm not ready for you yet ! Yeah, why don't you go back into your little office, I'll be in it in a minute. And get your pants off too". What does he need that little office for ? I guess he doesn't people to see him looking stuff up. "What the hell was that ?! Jesus Christ, that was kinda gross. I'm in big trouble here, that wasn't the tube or the circle. A friend of mine is going in for a nose job, next week. Guy. Rhinoplasty, that's what they call it. You've heard that term. Rhinoplasty. Rhino. Is that necessary ? The person, obviously, is aware there's a problem. They made the appointment. Do we really need to compare them to a God-damn rhinoceros, for Christ's sake ? When you go in for a hair transplant, they don't say "we're going to perform a cueball-ectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We feel that the chrome-domia has advanced, to a point that we call skin-headia. These are technical terms, you don't really need to bother yourself with. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 9) MEN & WOMEN I... I'm not married, I am a single guy, there's no other guys attached to me. I've always been just the one guy. I was best man at a wedding, one time, that was pretty good. I thought it was a little too much in the title, there. "Best man". I think we ought to have the groom, and a pretty good man. I mean, if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him ? Had to get the tux... a design of clothing that I think was invented by women. "Well, they're all the same, we might as well dress them all the same". The tuxedo also functions as a wedding safety device for the bride, in case the groom chickens out, everybody else just takes one step over, and the ceremony continues. That's why they don't say "do you take Dave Wilson to be your lawfully wedded husband", they say "do you take... this man". Men and women will never understand each other, my advice to you is to just stop thinking about it, you're not gonna figure it out. Just forget it. I know I'm not gonna understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling-hot wax, pour it on to your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider. I'm not wasting any more time thinking about that. Because I'm not getting anywhere. And I know women are curious about men. Women wanna know what men are thinking. I know women are looking at me, right know. And you're wondering "I wonder what goes on in that little brain of his". I could tell you the truth, if you would like to know what men are really thinking. Would you like to know ? I will tell you. Nothing. We're not thinking anything. We're just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men. We like women. We want women. But that's pretty much as far as we've thought. That's why we're honking car horns, yelling from construction sites, these are the best ideas we've had so far. We're working on some new programs, but it's not easy when your mind's a blank. Honking the car horn, to me, that's the lowest level. This is the last living brain cell, comes up with this one. What is this ? He's in the car, she's on the street, "bip bip brrrrrrr...". What does he think, "well, I guess I made my point". What is she supposed to do, kick off the heels, start running after the car. Grab on to the bumper. The car comes to a stop, "it's a good think you honked ! I had no idea how you felt..." Why do men do these things ? Why are they acting these ways ? Why are men rude, obnoxious, getting drunk, screaming out, peeling out rubber, making kissing noises, why ? Why ? Telling awful jokes, why do men behave so badly ? I know what you ladies are thinking, "no no, not my guy, I'm working with him, he's coming along". No he's not. He's tricking you. Men are not developing. We're not improving. We men know, no matter how poorly we behave, it seems we somehow end up with women anyway. Look around this room, look at all the men you see, beautiful women, men are with them, do you think these are special men ? Gifted, highly unusual, one-of-a-kind men ? These are the same jerks and idiots that I'm talking about. They're doing fine. Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group, working anywhere in the world, today. Wherever women are, we have men looking into the situation, right now. We explored the Earth looking for women. Even went to the Moon, just to see if there was any woman there. That's why we brought that little car, why would you bring a car, unless there's some chance of going on a date ? What the hell are you doing with the car on the God-damn Moon ? I never was able to figure that out. You're on the Moon !!! Isn't that far enough ?! There was no more male idea in the history of the Universe, than "why don't we fly up to the Moon and drive around ?". That is the essence of male thinking right there. Here's the thing on men, I'm gonna give it to you now. All men think of themselves as kind of low-level super-heroes... in their own environment. When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman, these aren't fantasies. These are options. This is the way men really look at their own lives. I'm not even supposed to be telling you this. I'll give you a perfect example of what I'm talking about, did you ever see a guy moving a mattress tied to the roof of his car. He's out on the highway with this thing (laughs), he's always got the arm out the window, holding the mattress too, right ? Whatever he's rigged up there, he's always helping along with the arm. This is classic male idiot super-hero thinking. This moron actually believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 miles an hour, "I got it, I got it. Don't worry about it. I'm using my... arm !". But what about the date, there's dating going on, on this room, right now. We can all feel that little bit of tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night ? Only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with". Dating is not easy, sex is not easy. Women have two types of orgasms, the actual one and the ones that they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is... we're fine with it. You do whatever the hell you gotta do. We will do what we have to do. (laughs) To a man, sex is like a car accident, anyway. And determining a female orgasm is like being asked "what did you see after the car went out of control ?". "Well, I remember I heard a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end my body was thrown clear". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 10) MCDONALDS Why is McDonalds still counting ? How insecure is this company ? Forty million, eighty jillion, billion zillion, killion tillion... Is anyone really impressed anymore ? "Oh, 89 billion sold ! Alright, I'll have one. I'm satisfied". Who cares ? I would love to meet the chairman of the board of McDonalds, to just say to him, "look, we all get it. Okay ? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the hell the number is. (laughs) Just put a sign "McDonalds - we're doing very well. We are tired of hearing about every God-damn one of them". What is their ultimate goal, to have cows just surrendering voluntarily or something ? Showing up at the door, "we'd like to turn ourselves in, we see the sign. We realize we have very little chance out there. We'd like to be a Happy Meal, if that's at all possible. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 11) CHINESE PEOPLE I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people... as long as we're on the subject. They're hanging in there with those chopsticks. Still using chopsticks. You know, they've seen the fork. Oh they're well aware that we have the fork. And the spoon. I don't know how they missed it - Chinese farmer, getting up working in the field with a shovel all day... hello, shovel...! there it is... You're not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues... ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 12) OLYMPICS I was in London, about a month ago. The World Cup was going on. I enjoy any sporting event where nations get involved, I find that the most exciting. The Olympics is really my favourite sporting event, although I think I have a problem with that silver medal. I think if I was an Olympic athlete I would rather come in last than win the silver, if you think about it. You know, you win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think "well at least I got something". But you win that silver, that's like "congratulations, you... almost won". "Of all the losers, you came in first of that group". "You're the number 1 loser". "No one lost ahead of you". And they don't lose by much, you know, these short races, 3 hundreds of a second, 2 hundreds of a second, I don't know how they live with that the rest of their lives, because you gotta tell the story. Everyone wants to hear the story: "Wow, congratulations, silver medal, did you trip, they you not hear the gun go off, tell us what happened". "It's a hundred of a second, what was the difference in the marching, there ? What was it ?". "Well, it was like from now... from now, n-now, now, n-now, n-n-now, n, n, eh. That was it. It's was it, eh, oh !". "I trained, I worked out, I exercised my entire life, I never had a date, I never had a drink, I never had a beer, I was doing push-ups since I was a fetus... I flew half way around the world, everybody I knew in my whole life was there, the guy shot off the gun and then... oh !". And they always have that photo-finish, you know the photo-finish is always "silver... gold". "Greatest guy in the world... never heard of him". You know, the guy's gotta be thinking "if I had a pimple, I would had won". So many events of the Olympics don't make sense to me, I don't understand their connection to any reality like... like in the winter Olympics, they have that Biathlon, you know that one ? That combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun ? How many alpine snipers are into this ? To me it's like combining swimming and strangle a guy, why don't we have that ? That makes absolutely as much sense to me, just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers. And that other one that I love is the luge. You know the luge, where the guy wears the slick suit. This is on the bobsled run, but it's not even a sled. It's just bob. It's just a human being hanging on for their life, this is the whole sport. Just ahhhhhhhhh... "oh he pointed his toes... oh, this guy is a tremendous athlete". The luge is the only sport I've ever seen that you could have people competing in it against their will. And it would be exactly the same. You know, if they were just picking people off the street, "hey hey hey, what is this ?! I don't wanna be in the luge". You know, you put the helmet on them, you wouldn't really hear them screaming, just: - purrrrrr - "you're in the luge, buddy" "ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh... aaahhh..." "World record. Didn't even wanna do it" I wanna see that event next year, the involuntary luge. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 13) SCUBA DIVING I consider myself something of a sportsman. Been scuba diving. Another great activity where your main goal is to... not die. That's pretty much all I thought about that day, just: (singing) "don't die, don't die don't die don't die" "there's a fish, there's a rock" "who cares, don't die. (singing) I don't wanna die, don't let me die, let's swim and breathe and live. Because living is good and dying... not as good". They got me all setup with the scuba guy, that has all the... you know, stuff for ya. Made sure that I bought a nylon wallet, water-proof wallet, in case we run into a sea turtle that can break a fifty, I guess. Water-proof watch, that's important, "gee, I'm completely out of oxygen, and look at the time ! Now I'm dead and I'm late". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 14) NO. 1 FEAR But I've also gone hang-gliding, I've gone sky diving, I like things that are a little scary, I don't know, maybe that's why I do this. I read a thing that actually speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number 1 fear, of the average person. I found that amazing. Number 2 was death ! Number 2 ! That means, to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. That's what that means. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 15) SKY DIVING / THE HELMET Sky diving was definitely the scariest thing I've ever done. Let me ask you this question, in regards to the sky diving, what is the point of the helmet !... in the sky diving ? I mean, can you... kinda make it? You jump out of that plane and that chute doesn't open, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on, the helmet is talking with the other helmets, going "it's a good thing he was there, or I would hit the ground directly !". There are many things that we can point to as proof that the human being is not smart. The helmet, is my personal favourite. The fact that we had to invent the helmet. Now why did we invent the helmet ? Well, because we were participating in many activities that were cracking our heads. We looked at the situation, we chose not to avoid these activities, but to just make little plastic hats, so that we can continue our head-cracking life styles. The only thing dumber than the helmet is the helmet law, the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly, it's not even trying to stop the cracking of the head that it's in. At least the helmet is functional clothing, I appreciate that. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 16) CLOTHING Clothing to me, for the most part, is just a tremendous pain in the ass. If you think of the amount of time, mental effort, physical energy, that goes into your clothes... picking them, buying them, "does that go with that", "I don't think I can wear that", "I'm missing a button", "this is dirty", "I gotta get something new", "that's up my ass", "can't wear this"... I think we should all wear the same exact clothes. Because it seems to be what happens eventually, anyway. Any time you see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future, or another planet, they're all wearing the same outfit. I think the decision just gets made, "alright everyone, from now on, it's just gonna be the one-piece silver suit with the V-stripe and the boots. That's the outfit. We're gonna be visiting other planets, we wanna look like a team, here. The individuality thing is over. The dry-cleaner, I can't stand. Because I don't think he's doing it. I don't know what goes on back there, but I cannot conceive of such a thing is actual dry-cleaning. We all accept it because we see the stores, everywhere. But think about it, dry ?! What is dry ? You can't clean something dry ! What do they do, tap it, shake it, blow on it, there's gotta be some kind of a liquid back there. Did you ever get something on your clothes and get it off with the finger nail ? That's dry cleaning. That is the only dry cleaning. I brought this guy in a suede jacket, got spots on it because I was in the rain, says " there's nothing we can do. Water ruins leather". Now, aren't cows outdoors, a lot of the time ? When it rains, do the cows go up to the farm house, "Hey, let us in, we're all wearing leather out here ! Hey open up man, I'm suede !" "Dry clean only", I would say though, is the only warning label that human beings do respect. You know what I mean, cigarettes: "this will give you cancer", "it will definitely kill you", "babies, everything..." "screw it, I'll do whatever the hell I want !" (blows smoke) -pfffff- "don't take this medicine and operate heavy machinery" "ah, glug-glug-glug, that's for beginners, people who don't know what the hell is happening, I've been working on this job for 20 years" But if you have something that says "dry clean only" and someone tries to put it in the washing machine, "don't put it in the washing machine it's dry clean only are you crazy outta your mind !!!". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 17) LATE TV I'm always irritated by that... effect of watching TV late at night, I do this most nights. I'm watching TV, tell me if you have, if this happens to you, you're watching TV, it's getting late. You're getting tired, you're starting to fall asleep. You think to yourself, I could get into bed and go to sleep right now. But I don't. I don't go to bed, I fight... sleep, and continue searching for entertainment. "No, I gotta find a car blowing up, somebody naked, I don't care what it is, I gotta fight". What is this ? Go to bed ! The finger that hits the button on the remote control is the last part of the human body to fall asleep. You're out cold, that finger's still going, it's still looking. It is amazing what people will believe. I watch these infomercials late at night, I start to believe them. I don't know what the hour is, there is an hour, that I'm watching, and I start thinking "you know, I don't think I could cut through a shoe with any of my knives. That does look pretty good". There is nothing about my life that I could tell you, that is more embarrassing than the fact that I have actually spoken the words "I would like to order the Ginsu knife". I wish I was making all this up. I actually own the Ginsu knife. "I'm gonna get this knife and cut my shoes up". It's a rip off... ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 18) CROOKS We all try and prevent ourselves from getting ripped off, we all think we're very clever, you know. We think we can out-think the crooks, you know. Go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, "who's gonna know ? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security ?. I put it down by the toe, they never look there. They check the heels, they move on". So feeble, the things we come up with, to foil crooks. Like the "wanted" posters at the post office... you're there, you got your package, you're trying to mail something, this guy is wanted in 12 states... "yeah, now what, okay". You know, I check the guy standing in line behind me, if it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do. Why don't they just hold on to this guy when they're taking his picture ?! The guy's there with you ! "Come out from behind the counter and grab him !!!". "No, we don't do that, we take their picture, we let them go. That's how we get the front and side shot, the front is his face, the side is him leaving" Why don't they put the pictures of the criminals on the postage stamps ? Let the postman look for him, he's out there walking around all day. He's got the uniform on, can't he do something ? "Ah, we got a letter for you here, Mr. Joh... hey, wait a second...!!!" ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 19) HORSES When you're on the road, which I'm not now, you have to do what everybody suggests to do for that day, because... you gotta do something. A couple of weeks ago we were in Pittsburgh, we went to the track, bet on the horses. This is idiotic. I think it's fun, but I never would think for a second that I could figure out what horse is going to win, I don't even think the horses know that they're racing. Do they ? I mean, are they walking back to the stable afterwards, going "I was third", "I was fifth", "I was ninth" ? "You cut me off, watch that". "I'll kick your ass next time". I think more likely, they're thinking, (singing) "oat bag, I get my oat bag now. Oat bag time for me". I mean, the horses have some idea that the jockey is in a hurry. I mean, he's on him, he's urging him, he's hitting him, "come on, come on", you know, so, "this is important that I get somewhere for this guy, quick", but they must get to the end and go (breathing deeply) "we were just here, what was the point of that ?! This is where we were ! That was the longest possible route you could take to get where you wanted to be ! Why don't we just stay here, I would've been first !" I'll tell you one thing the horses definitely do not know, they do not know if you should accidentally trip and break your leg, at any point during the race, we're gonna blow your brains out. I think they're missing that little tidbit of information. If they knew that, you'd see some mighty careful stepping coming down that home stretch. "Easy, fellas, easy. You win, I'll place, whatever it is. It's all the same oat bag, fellas. The important thing is your health". I've tried horseback riding, I can't really do that. And... they don't really give you the good horses... when you're not good at it. I found that out. The guy says "what level of rider would you say that you are ?". I go "I don't know, zero, nothing, whatever the system is. I can't do it, is that clear enough for you ? I'm going where the horse wants to go, okay ? That's my... level !". Of course, they hear that, they start looking around, "alright, is Glue-Stick back yet ? How about Almost-Dead, why don't you saddle him up ?" So I get on this U-shaped... lightning-quick steed I got here... I had the only horse you could put your feet flat on the ground while you're riding him. I'm riding the Hammock, here. Looking up at my friends, "I don't feel like we all got the same kind of horse". It was kind of a secure feeling, I could just kind of walk along with them, there, you know. And the horse isn't to thrilled with having me, either. The horse knows, they may be dumb, but they know you can't ride. And they don't like it. They just stop, you know, and they look up at you, with that frightening horsy face, you know, with those huge nostrils, and that big bowling ball eye. "Chill out, hop-along, I know the trail. Yeah, I'm here every God-damn day, okay ? And I really appreciate the kicking while I'm taking a leak, too. Yeah, thanks a lot, that really improves the already wonderful life that I have. People either are sitting on me or kicking me while I'm peeing. I've got a really sweet gig here at the ranch". Get out of a car that has 300 horsepower to sit on an animal that has one. Why do we use the term horsepower ? Is that also to insult the horse ? The space-shuttle rocket boosters, each one, has 20 million horsepower. Why are we still comparing it with the horse ? Any chance we're gonna get back to using horses for rockets, trying to keep track of how many we're going to need ? "Hey horse, the rocket engine just broke down, can you get 20 million friends together really fast ?" "20 million, that's a lot..." (laughs) They do make glue out of horses, I have no idea how they do it... or who even saw that potential. That's a brainstorm in my book. What are you, working in a stationary store, you see a horse walk by the window... "wait a minute !!! I think he... could be glue !" "are you sure ?" "I'm positive !" "how do we pick out the really sticky ones ?" "you leave that to me" "what about that one over there, he's weaving around, he looks like he's outta his mind" "he'll be Crazy-glue" To me the toughest part of the horses' life is the horse trailer. I don't know who designed that. Is that the best way to move a horse out on the highway ? Is that what we all need to see, their huge, fat, disgusting asses ? Right in my face ? Is it good for the horses ? They're probably standing in the back going "do you feel a draft, Bill ? I can't see anything back there, but it's awfully breezy, isn't it ? You don't think our huge fat asses are hanging out the back of this truck, do you ? Why the hell would they do that to us ? They already ride us around and kick us while we're peeing. What's the point of sticking our ass out of the truck ?". ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 20) BATHROOM I like staying in hotels, I enjoy hotels, I like tiny soap. I pretend that it's normal soap and my muscles are huge. Can always tell when you're in a fine quality, luxury hotel, when the TV is bolted to a solid steel beam, and welded into the wall. I don't like staying at people's houses, on the road. Don't like other people's showers. I can never adjust the temperature right, I don't know the ratios on the dials. You know, sometimes a 16th of an inch is a thousand degrees ! You gotta get out of the way of the water. There's always that little hair, stuck on the wall of somebody else's shower. You wanna get rid of it, but you don't wanna touch it. I don't know how it got up that high, in the first place. Maybe it's got a life of its own, I don't wanna get involved. So you gotta aim the shower head at the hair... that never works, you gotta get a pool of water from under the shower and over to the hair. You get it down, a foot at a time, like this. The hair is hanging on. But we have to fight these battles, we're all alone in the bathroom. Whatever goes wrong, you have to handle it. Did you ever go to a big party, go in the bathroom, flush the toilet, and the water starts coming... up ?! This is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being, right here. You will do anything to stop this. (laughs) You'll lose your mind, start talking to the toilet, "no please, don't do this to me, come on. You know this is not my fault...! I'll get you the blue thing, the man in the boat, just let me off the hook this one time !!!". Thank you very much, I hope you had a good time, tonight. Thank you. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл 21) Q + A Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that very, very much, that's really, really nice, I did not want to come back. You made me do it. I don't know what it is you expect me to do at this point. I appreciate you're standing up, I know that's not easy to do. And I know there's always a few people that don't really wanna do it. I have often been one of those people. If you have any questions for me, I'll be more than happy to entertain your curiosity... (man from the audience): What do you do for fun ? What do I do for fun ? Well, right now I'm gonna try and do this, for some fun. I don't know, I wanna get into surfing, that's what I wanna do. I think surfing is fun. I'm serious, (laughs) I'm gonna do that. I think surfing is cool. I think it's funny all the trouble that people go to, to get into the ocean, and that really, the ocean is just constantly throwing us out of there. That's what surfing is. The ocean throwing us out. (man from the audience): Why won't you make a movie ? I don't know about a movie, I mean... most of the movies you see aren't... very good, these days. And they're very complicated, you know, I mean, you go see some piece of junk and it's... you know, 100 million dollars and 2 years in the making... I mean, you go to a bad movie, it's 2 hours, you're in a bad movie, it's 2 years. I'd be afraid that I'd be in the movie, looking out at the audience, going "this sucks, doesn't it ? I can't get out of this thing, they got me under contract. (man from the audience): What's your favourite cereal ? What is my favourite cereal ? I like any cereal, I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand, without looking. I find that experience very neat. (woman from the audience): What's your favourite Seinfeld episode ? Do I have a favourite Seinfeld episode ? Well, I get this question quite often, I don't really have a favourite, they're all kind of my babies, I did the best I could with each one. You know, comedy, comedy is kind of a survival industry. You know, comedians are very much into just surviving. It's like if I were to ask you what is your favourite breath of air, that you've ever taken. You would say "whichever one I'm taking that gets me to the next one". Excuse me ? (woman from the audience): It's my birthday. It's your birthday, well happy birthday. Which birthday is it ? (woman from the audience): I ain't saying... Oh, okay. So you want attention, but not too much attention. I noticed your first couple of birthdays in life and your last couple of birthdays in life are very similar. In both cases, you don't really even know it's your birthday. People have to tell you "these are your friends. They've come to help you celebrate your birthday". And you need a little help with the cake blow, in both cases. What else? Excuse me? (man from the audience): Are you from Massapequa, Jerry ? Yes I am from Massapequa. Massapequa is a town on Long Island, I'm sure you may have heard of. Massapequa is an Indian name, it means "by the mall". It's amazing that even the native tribes could sense that the retail is gonna be a natural lust, once we build up the suburban environment. (woman from the audience): Jerry ? Yes, we know who it is, just go with the question. What else ? (man from the audience): Hello Newman ! Give you a "hello Newman"... well, sir, there is a lot more to a "hello Newman" than meets the eye. You don't just... you don't just say "hello Newman". First, you must open the door properly for Newman. You'll notice, whenever I open the door for Newman, is different than the way I opened it for everybody else, you wanna get the wide swing ! You wanna open that door all the way... because you wanna reveal Newman !... in all his Newman. And also, you wanna give him the opportunity to take his little... step, that he always does, right ? And then, when he comes in and then he looks at you and he stands there, and he waits... he waits, for his "hello Newman". And he looks at you with those beady little eyes. And you must think of all the evil in the world... and then you must say to him: "hello, Newman". Thank you very much, you've been a wonderful audience. Thank you for coming. ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл