A New Beginning (1)

by Amber

Brenda is over at Jax's house, she has just declared her love for him and told him he is the only one for her, he isn't quite taking the news as she hoped.

Brenda: "Jax you told me you loved me. You told me you wanted me. I don't know what I can do to convince you that I love you, that I want another chance."

Jax: "Don't you understand, you chose him over me. I gave you my best, my all. I showed you a part of me that I've kept hidden from everyone else. Your happiness was my first priority and you went back to a man who gave you nothing, who degraded you and claimed to love you only with words but not by his actions. You went running to him and you didn't give my feelings a second thought." How can I ever forgive that, how can I ever give you my heart again. "

B: "Jax I know that I hurt you. I know that I gave up the best thing that ever happened to me, the thing that meant the most to me. I know I broke the trust, I screwed up our marriage by sleeping with Sonny in the cave. I--I didn't deserve you, you gave me so much and all I did in return was betray you."

J: "But don't you understand. I would have stuck with you through anything. Even though I let you go I was hoping you would stop me and tell me you didn't want to give up on what we had together. I wanted you to tell me we could work it out, protest in some way, but not walk away from me straight into Sonny's arms."

B: "I know I've made some stupid choices. To tell you the truth, I don't know why I went back to Sonny, I don't know why I slept with him that night. I had a craving for pills, I was going through withdrawl. I had know way to get them. I thought it was over, I thought I was going to die. I just clung to an old obsession that night. If I couldn't have my pills, I'd have him. I told him anything it took to be with him again so it would take my mind off the pills and ease my craving. Jax I'm so sorry for leaving you, for turning my back on us. After you rescued us, I couldn't marry you, not after what I didn. I didn't take the time to think it out. I just took action. I was a coward, I couldn't deal with it, with what happened. I turned away from you because I didn't want to look in your eyes and see disappointment, see distrust, maybe even see hatred. Jax, I didn't want to see in your eyes what I saw in Sonny's when I wore the wire."

J: "Brenda--I could neve hate you ," he said with tears in his eyes and in a broken voice," It's impossible for us to go back to the way we were. I believe you have changed, I see a stronger woman in you but I'm not ready. I'm not ready to give you my heart again. I can't risk it all again, it would kill me if you decided you didn't want me and you decided to walk away again. Our relationship would seem like a time bomb waiting to explode into pieces. If Sonny returns one day I can't be sure you won't go running back to him. I'm sorry. I need some time Brenda. I can't hide my own feelings anymore and put yours first. I need to put my own feelings first this time."

B: I understand that you're afraid, that you can't completely trust me. I understand you can't open up you heart right now. I'm sorry I did this too us. (she turns to leave her throught choking down tears.) Jax I don't want to lose your friendship it means everything to me. I know you need some time to absorb everything. I know it feels like to try to live your life to please somebody and make somebody happy, but to never accomplish it. I'm sorry I put you in that positon. Bye Jax, I love you." She spoke to herself heading into the elevator. I'm going to convince you that I love only you.

Amber