The Final Test-8

by:Sydney

~Chapter 8~

"Hello, Sonny. Thank you for meeting with me." Her voice was low and detatched like she was conducting a business meeting. Maybe all of those times she'd listened to Jax making business deals over the phone were going to come in handy after all.

"Anything to make you happy, Brenda." Sonny paused and cocked his head to the side. "Besides, you and I both knew we'd end up here... eventually." He said with meaning in his voice.

Recognizing Sonny in full manipulation mode, Brenda chuckled. "Oh, that's riiight. This is the part where you pitch me the old "we-were- meant-to-be" speech." And just as quickly as the sun can disappear behind a cloud and send shivers down your spine, Brenda's laughter faded to cold seriousness. "The only problem with that is...I'm not here to listen. I'm here to do the talking."

Sonny was taken back a little by Brenda's tone and the sense of control she was wearing like a cloak. He didn't like the Brenda he saw before him. She was too sure of herself and her purpose. She wasn't going to make this easy for him.

For Brenda's part, she was a woman with a mission and she had no intention of being sidetracked. Sonny had been right when he said that they had unfinished business. If Jax and she were ever going to have any peace and be able to move forward, Sonny needed to understand that he no longer had a place in her life or her heart. And Brenda needed to say good-bye.

Brenda continued. "You see, Sonny, when you left me at the altar the way you did, you left me with all of these feelings and things I wanted to say to you, but couldn't. Because you were no where to be found. Well, now you're back. And I finally have the chance to say all of those things to your face. And you're going to listen, for once in your life."

Sonny knew the way he'd left Brenda without a word was wrong, but it had been necessary. That she was angry was no surprise to him, but he needed to make her see that he did it for her.

"Look, Brenda, I know what I did hurt you a great deal, and I can never make up for that pain. But I had to. Don't you see? I didn't want you to become another Lily. I would rather die than have that happen. At least this way, you're still alive. If you think it was easy for me to walk away, you're wrong. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life."

Brenda was thoughtful for a moment, a hint of sadness in her eyes that he remembered all too well from when they were together and she would think of Jax. "I'm sure it was, Sonny. Letting go of someone you love always is." The anger drained out of her eyes as she looked at him and for the first time, a genuine smile passed over her lips. "But to tell you the truth, it was the best thing you could have ever done for me."

Sonny wasn't sure he heard her right. The edge had gone out of her voice, replaced by the wisdom of a person who had learned by walking through fire.

Brenda saw the confusion in Sonny's eyes and for a moment was amused. "Yes, Sonny, you heard me right. Your leaving was the best gift you ever gave me. You see, you did more than save my life that night. You gave my heart the freedom to find it's way back home again."

Realization of what she was talking about dawned on Sonny. "You mean back to Jax, don't you?"

Brenda nodded.

"But you told me that I was your home."

"I lied." Her statement was as simple as it was true. "Not just to you and Jax. I lied mostly to myself. See, I didn't think I deserved a man as good as Jax. I didn't deserve the kind of love he gave. So, instead of having what I wanted, I decided to want what I *could* have. What I *did* deserve."

"But you chose me because you loved me."

Brenda shook her head slightly. "No, Sonny. Jax let me go. And I was too weak to stand on my own. Coming back to you was more out of my fear of being alone and less out of this overwhelming love I had for you. I'm not saying that I didn't love you. Because I did. But I think I was more in love with the man I wanted you to be than who you actually were."

When Sonny didn't respond, Brenda tried to explain further. "Come on, Sonny. You know it's true. It's the way we've always been. We loved each other, but you couldn't stand my curiosity and independence and I couldn't accept the lies and secrets that went with your business. We tried to turn ourselves inside out to become what the other wanted, when what we both really wanted was right in front of our faces the whole time....just not when we were facing each other."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, that you wanted me to be Lily. And I wanted you to be Jax. You needed a woman who understood your life. Who wouldn't ask questions. Who didn't mind the secrets you had to keep. I needed a man who would listen to me and understand *me*. Who would accept me for who I am, warts and all. A man who gave me the safety and the space to become the woman I've always wanted to be. And for me, that man is Jax."

"But you're forgetting one thing, Brenda. All of this talk of being the woman you want to be with Jax...you've been here before. Only the last time, you headed straight for a drug addiction. Being with *him* is what made you not be yourself. He isn't good for you. He never was. *I'm* the man who knows the real you."

Brenda shook her head. When she spoke, her voice was full of conviction and a determination to make him understand.

"No, Sonny. You're wrong. I became addicted because I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror knowing that *I* was the reason that someone else was dead. It was *my* selfishness that brought on the revenge that Rivera sought against you. *I* am the reason you lost Lily and your baby. Don't you see, *that's* the pain I couldn't face."

"I was happy with Jax. Even *you* know that. But, I felt so guilty knowing how Lily's death almost destroyed you, while I was happily married. I didn't deserve that much happiness. I couldn't stand the guilt, Sonny. I even tried to talk to you about it, but you wouldn't listen. You just brushed it off. Jax isn't the reason I turned to drugs, I am."

"And you're wrong about Jax. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. He understands me like no one ever has. With him, I'm free to be me. And when I've gotten lost, he's given me the chance to find my own way. He sees my independence as a strength, not a weakness. I'm happier now than I've ever been just having him in my life again."

There it was. There was her weakness....and Sonny's opening. Sonny put on the best imitation of sincerity and concern he could muster. "But Brenda, honey, he isn't in your life really, *is* he?"

Brenda's gaze faltered. She knew exactly what Sonny meant. And she knew what he was trying to do. Well, he wasn't going to win...not this time. She couldn't let him play on her insecurities about Jax right now. He needed to understand that she didn't want him in her life, Jax or no Jax. When her eyes met his, doubts were replaced with defiance and pain replaced with love. A peaceful smile lit her whole face.

"You're right, Sonny. Jax isn't fully back into my life the way I want him to be. But that will all change. I know it will. But...let's just say for sake of argument that it doesn't. That Jax and I don't become a couple again. That, in no way, negates the fact that you and I DEFINITELY will never be anything more to each other than the past. See, whether Jax finds his way back to me or not has nothing to do with what's going on right here and now."

Brenda sighed. "I've spent the majority of my life being hurt and hurting others, Sonny. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the pain and the anger. I don't want to hate anymore. We meant something to each other once and because of that and the pain I've caused you in the past, I'm not out to hurt you. And surprisingly, I don't hate you. BUT I don't love you either. I'm not sure I even like you. It's funny, you know, and kinda sad that all that time we spent together, I'm not sure we even became friends."

Brenda looked down at her hands, trying to hide the regret and pain that years of pretending and not looking truth in the face had put in her eyes. She was surprised to be looking straight into Sonny's eyes when she looked back up. His face was inches away from hers....his eyes looking deep into the 'windows of her soul'. He was so close. As he reached up and caressed her face, she flinched away from him, not wanting to feel his touch.

Sonny's voice was low and seductive. "Awww, Brenda, you *know* we were friends. In fact, we were so *much* more. The love we have can't compare to anyone elses. We were freedom and fire. You found the truth when we were together. All this that you've been saying is the lie, Brenda. You want Jax because he's safe. 'We' always scared you. And that's what your really afraid of, isn't? The fire you know we create when we're together. The passion we've always shared..."

His face inched closer and he pulled her to him as she tried to step away. His kiss was hot...wet...and slimy. <Like a worm>, Brenda thought. An image popped into her head, unbidden, of her climbing into bed with a little cartoon worm with a nightcap on it's head and kissing it good night. It was just too much. Before she knew it a bubble of laughter escaped from her lips.

Sonny stepped back, a look of disbelief on his face. "What's so funny?" he demanded.

Brenda could hardly control her laughter, but for the sake of the situation, she tried. "What was *that*?"

"What do you mean? It was a kiss. You *do* remember them, don't you? Or has it been so long you've forgotten what passion tastes like?"

Brenda put her hand over her mouth to cover her giggles. "Passion, huh? Gee, Sonny, I guess Jax has spoiled me, because that didn't seem very passionate to me." As her own words sunk in, Brenda grew serious.

"You know, Sonny, there was a time that I would have died for just *one* kiss from you. But that was before I grew up and realized that I want *so* much more than anything you have to offer. I have to thank you because I just learned something tonight, Sonny. *You* no longer have power over me. I no longer lose myself in you. Now, I'm finally free."

She squared her shoulders and looked Sonny straight in the eye. She wanted there to be no questions or doubts about her her next words.

"Let me make this perfectly clear. If you're here in Port Charles because you think there's a chance of a future with us, then you'll save us all a lot of grief and wasted time if you'll just pack up your bags and leave now. There's no future for you here. Not with me. Not ever.

"Don't try to contact me in any way and don't show up at my door because I won't let you in. I don't want or need anything from you. And I owe you only one thing....this warning....if you even *think* of coming near me or Jax again or our family or friends, the *only* reason I will stop Jax from pulling the trigger is so that *I* can pull it myself."

Brenda turned to walk away then suddenly turned back as if she'd fogotten something.

A mischievious grin spred over her face. "Oh. And Sonny. It was a *great* ride." And with that, she turned and was gone.

As Sonny heard the echo of her steps fade away....the rain began to  fall.

======================================================================

Brenda walked quickly to the police car parked on the street.

"Hey Officer Lew..."

"Now, Ms. Barrett. I told you...call me Bruce. Did everything go ok?"

Brenda smiled. "Ok, Bruce. Ummm, yes, everything worked out fine, so  you're free to go do whatever policemen do this time of night. And can you let the others know as well? Thanks. Oh, and Bruce, I'll put in a good word for you with the Police Commissioner."

Brenda waved good-bye as she walked toward her car. She pulled out her cell phone and dialed the number to the Port Charles Hotel. Pete answered the phone.

"Yes, Pete. This is Ms. Barrett. I was just wondering if you were able to deliver the package I brought to Mr. Jacks."

"Oh, yes, Ms. Barrett. I gave it to him right before he left for the airport."

"The airport? Did he say where he was going? Or when he'll be back?"

"No, Ms. Barrett. I'm sorry. Mr. Jacks didn't divulge any further  information."

"Of course not, Pete. Thank you very much for delivering the package."  Brenda shut the phone off. Jax had left town, but didn't say where. Well, maybe this is what he needs. Maybe he needs this time away. Maybe he went to Malibu. Brenda grinned. If he went to Malibu, it won't be long before he's back in PC.

She opened her phone. Just one more phone call. All of a sudden someone grabbed her from behind. She tried to scream, but a piece of cloth was covering her mouth. Brenda dropped her phone as she struggled against the unknown assailant. The clororform on the cloth was getting to her. She could feel herself weakening. As she went under the last sound she heard was the sound of a phone ringing.....

to be continued.....