The Final Test-7

by:Sydney

Subj: The Final Test (chapter 7)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey everyone! Just a quick thank you to everyone for the feedback. Also a HUGE thanks to Sharon! You're the best!! Now, the following chapter took a 'little' history revision especially during the Culliton reign, so please take what I've written and add to it the memory of what you saw on screen and it might give a fuller account of Brenda's 'choice'. Thanks and hope you enjoy!!! :)

~Chapter 7~

A pair of blue-green eyes, misty with unshed tears, stared out over the Port Charles harbor. Jax had been sitting on the docks for close to an hour reading the journals Brenda had left for him.

He thought that he had everything figured out. He thought he knew what had happened. But he had been so wrong. Brenda's journals had proven that to him. By allowing him to read her journals, Brenda had given him complete access to the state of her heart and mind.

Reading them was like reading the twists and turns, mountains and valleys and all of the major crossroads on the roadmap of Brenda's life. The first journal chronicled her journey away from him. The second, how her heart found it's way back home.

Her first journal had begun the night she moved out of the penthouse and ended the night he let her go.....

"Today's my birthday---the worst one of my life. I just moved out of the only real home I've ever known. I just left my husband...my Jax. He is such an amazing man. He's trying his best to support my decision, but I know he doesn't fully understand. How can he when I don't understand myself? I miss him already. I miss his arms holding me and his voice softly telling me that everything is going to be ok....that we are going to fight this together...and win.

I love him so much for believing in me. The problem is, I don't deserve the faith he puts in my strength. I really don't deserve anything he's given me. I'm a drug addict. I'm a tramp. I've been unfaithful to him. Those aren't easy things to acknowledge about oneself, but they are true about me. I don't deserve the kind of love Jax gives.....but I want to. I want so much to be the woman he believes I am...not because he wants me to be, but because I can be. I want to be able to know who Brenda Jacks is and what she wants.

I told Kevin tonight that I've spent my life trying to be what the men in my life want me to be....starting with my father. I told him I don't believe that I, Brenda, have ever made a sound. Jax has been the only man who has let me be myself...whoever that may be. And I need to know who that is before I can commit myself to a life with him. That's the least he deserves. I need to know I can stand on my own. That's why I had to leave. I have to find the strength to believe in myself the way he does. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much...."

"I saw Sonny today. I left more confused than when I went. I went to explain to him that I moved out of the penthouse, but that didn't mean that I had left Jax. That I just needed time to sort things out and get past this drug problem. I need to learn to stand on my own...without a man. I felt an explanation was the least I owed him after what happened between us in the cave.

He wouldn't listen. He said that I was just wasting my time. That I was afraid of my love for him and what we've shared, and I was just using my drug problem as a smokescreen. He says that I can't change who I am and who I am will always bring me back to him. God help me if he's right. Being with Sonny has always been exciting and passionate and powerful, but with that comes all of the pain, the hopelessness, and the despair. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to live that way again...."

"I had dinner with Jax tonight. I missed him so much that I couldn't stand it any longer. So, I called him up and ask him to meet me. God, seeing him was so good. I've missed his laugh and his smile and talking to him about everything and nothing. I've missed being able to look in his eyes and see all of his love and to see myself as he sees me. As good as it was, it was also painful because I see how much pain I'm putting him through. I can tell he's just as confused as I am. He's actually begun to doubt my love for him. And I think in a way he thinks he's the reason I felt the need to turn to drugs. He's not. *I* am. How can I make him see that? Why, for once in my life, can't I love without hurting? Why must there always be a cloud of sadness and despair that follows wherever I go?

Miranda's still in town. And she still wants Jax. I saw her tonight at the penthouse. I hate her. I hate that she's using the explosion to tie Jax to her. I hate the type of woman she is, but mainly I hate that he loved her first. That he loved her so deeply. Why can't Jax see what she's up to? Why can't he see that she still wants him? Maybe he can't because somewhere deep inside he still loves her. Afterall, she was the love of his life....maybe she still is. Sonny told me that you never get over you first love....maybe he's right. Why else would Jax ask her to come back to PC? I know him well enough to know he hasn't let go of her yet...not really. I'm so afraid I'll lose him to her. That she deserves him more after all she sacrificed for his happiness. That he will wake up one day to realize that I'm not who he thought I was and she'll all he's ever wanted...."

"I'm so confused. The whole reason for me to move out on my own was to find myself and my own strength. But I feel even more weak and less in control than I did before...I feel like everything is closing in around me and I have no where to run.

I don't have the strength to face the pain. The pain of what? I've been asking myself that for while now. What was so big and scary that I had to turn to drugs to deal with? I have no where to go to get the answers....except myself.

I think my worst fear has been waking up one morning to realize that I'm alone. For a while I felt complete...I felt happy. That lonely place inside my heart was filled, but lately I've been feeling so empty....

I feel Jax slipping further and further away from me. He still listens and tries tounderstand, but now there's a wall between us. Maybe I built it to keep from hurting myself more or to keep from hurting him. Maybe he built it to protect himself. Either way, it's there....and I feel so alone....."

"Both Sonny and Miranda are pressuring me to tell Jax that Sonny and I slept together in the cave. Both for different reasons, of course. Sonny loves me. Miranda wants Jax. I've been fighting both of them for so long, I'm so tired. Maybe they're right. Maybe I should tell Jax. But how can I? How can I look into his eyes and tell him the truth? How can I hurt him like that? Sonny and Miranda want me to tell because they know it will destroy us. That's the very reason I can't bring myself to do it. If I tell, he'll finally know the truth. He'll have no choice but to see me as I really am...a tramp. And he'll know he deserves so much more, and I'll lose him forever..."

"Yesterday, Jax was arrested for drug possession. Sonny tried to get me to doubt him, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's innocent. I went to the courthouse to be there for him. It was so good to hold his hand and know that he needed me. I'm not sure I've ever felt that before with Jax. He's always the strong one. He's always the one with the answers. He's always the shoulder *I* get to lean on. Now, it's his turn to lean back.

He was upset that Sonny was there. He asked if I knew why. I really couldn't have care less why Sonny was there or not...the only thing that was important to me was being there for Jax. But now that I've thought about it...Sonny can help Jax. He has sources that can get him information so we can find out who is behind this. And Sonny owes Jax his life. I'm going to get Jax out of this...even if it means getting help from the man he hates the most...."

"Sonny kissed me today. He said the next time we kiss it will be because I come to him. I don't know what to do. I believe I love both Sonny and Jax. Everyone assumes that I love Sonny because we slept together and that I don't love Jax because of the same reason. But is that true? Or is Sonny just a continuation of yet another addiction? Or is it simply that I love them differently. Sonny's love has always been so bold and powerful. It's like this force pulling me toward Sonny while I watch Jax slipping away. But is this what I want? I wish I knew what to do. I wish I had an answers to the questions. I wish I could be the Brenda Barrett who knew...but I've never quite been able to find her.

Sonny knows the truth about me and still loves me...still wants me. Will Jax? How could he? I'm too afraid to find out..."

"I received a letter from Miranda today. She told Jax the truth about Sonny and me. God, how he must hate me! It was one thing for it to happen and a completely different thing for him to hear it from anyone other than me. I should have told him myself. I should have told him when we first got rescued. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Now, things can never be the same again. I need to see him. I need to know if he hates me...then I'll know what to do."

"I confronted Jax tonight. My choice is made. Jax let me go...."

Pieces of the puzzle that had been missing were finally in place and Jax saw the whole picture now so clearly. He'd fallen in love with Brenda who was spirited, alive, fun, reckless. But in many ways she was just like a lost, afraid, lonely little girl with this overwhelming sadness in her eyes...from years of rejection. He'd tried his best to make the sadness go away. And he had. She trusted him. She began to grow and mature into a confident, healthy woman. And she'd loved him...she'd chosen him over Sonny.

Then Sonny brought Miranda back to town and in one fell-swoop undermined all that they had built...till she became that sad, lonely little girl again. Only this time he couldn't reach...no matter how much he wanted to. Because she no longer trusted him. Or herself for that matter. That was the Brenda he had let go. He'd had no choice.

He'd been so confused with Miranda's appearance and his parents and Jerry's deception. He'd been so broken that he'd given Brenda less than 100% of his heart so her needy heart was drawn to someone who would...Sonny. And Sonny used that to his full advantage to drive the wedge between them deeper. And he'd lost her. Not because she wanted to go, but because he pushed her away.

Jax eagerly picked up the second journal not sure of what he would find....

"Yesterday I really hit bottom. Since Sonny left, I've been bent on destroying myself. Yesterday I almost did. I hated myself for what I've become. I set out to hurt Robin, who only came because she loves me. And I said the most horrible things to Jax...the one person in this world I would never want to hurt. But I did. I hurt them both and I hated myself so much that I wanted to end all of their pain and mine. I was going to kill myself. Then this feeling came over me and I had to get out of there. The next thing I knew, I found myself at Lily's grave.

As I sat there, I realized that Lily is dead...and what that really means. It means she'll never hold her baby. She'll never speak another word or love another person again. She can't dream or make choices. But I can. I'm still alive. I'm broken and hurt, but I'm alive. I still have choices. I have the choice to wake up each day and make it a day worth living. I have the choice to help the people I love the most. I have the power to change. And all of a sudden, I realized that I don't *want* to die any more.

I want to live and make up for the mistakes I've made. For the pain I've caused. Lily is perfect lying there in her coffin. But that's a kind of perfect I no longer want to be. In fact, I don't want to be perfect. I want to experience the ups and downs, the good and the bad...because that makes up life. Jax said once that everything good in life is messy...and he's right. Messy or not, at least I'll know I'm living. And that's what I want most now. To live...."

"Well, I passed my first test on this new journey I'm taking. I found out that Lucy is grooming a new model to be the Face of Jacks Cosmetics. It hurt...and I was a little jealous. But, instead of falling apart, I called Gail and she and I had a session. She says she can tell there's a difference in me. For the first time in my life, I, Brenda Barrett, am beginning to love myself. I certainly have a long way to go, but I've begun and that's the important part..."

"Gail and I talked today about who exactly Brenda is. I'm learning some amazing things! I actually like me. I love my life. Where, in the past, I've always felt weak, I now know that I *am* strong. It may take me a little longer to learn one of life's lessons, but once I have it's with me forever. I have the ability and the courage to face the truth about myself now....along with so many other things.

One of the bad things I've had to acknowledge about myself is my obssessive nature in finding love...Gail calls it my 'overwhelming need to be loved'. From the time I was a little girl, I never believed I was loved. So, I did what I could to earn the love I looked for. When that didn't work, I acted up...just to get attention. Only it never worked either. It just got me in trouble a lot.

Julia had been right on about her assessment of how I deal with men. Sonny *was* just like daddy. He was strong, secretive, powerful, and unbending. I guess that's why I thought if I could gain his love, I could prove to daddy that I was worthy of *his* love. I was so used to being rejected. I was so used to the pain. That's what I expected love to be. I believed the stronger the pain, the stronger the love. I was so wrong. Love should never have to hurt. I've learned that now.

The last time Sonny and I were together, I lost myself in who he wanted me to be so that I could be loved. I gave up myself. I became as close to Lily as I could...unquestioning, following blindly, unthinkingly accepting anything he said. I wasted so much time being someone I wasn't. I will never do that again...."

"Today, Gail said we could talk about anything I wanted and laughed when I said, "Jax." She said she had a feeling that would be the subject....something about me talking about him all the time as it is.

He's been gone for 2 days now and I miss him like crazy. He's become such a part of my life again. I don't know how I'll make it till he gets back to town. I want to hear about his trip and tell him all about mine.

I would have never made it through this nightmare without him. He held me up till I could stand on my own. Without him, I'm sure I would be dead right now. I know that I need and want to stand on my own two feet because I don't want to be a burden to him anymore and because I can....but it's still so very nice to have his hand to hold every once in a while...."

"Gail and I discussed what love meant to me. I know what it used to mean. It meant pain. And desperation. Insecurities. Never measuring up. The belief that my body and my looks were the only thing that I had going for me...the only thing I would be loved for. I used sex as a weapon to hurt those who had hurt me and as a means of stopping my pain.

But now, I see love differently. It's choosing to be there for someone every second of the day...not just during the good times....not just during the bad. It's being able to count on someone. To know someone inside out and let them know you. Being so in sinc with someone that you know what their feeling or thinking with one look. Finishing each other's sentences. Respect. It's feeling safe. It's being secure in their love. It's trust. Hope. Happiness. It's sacrificing your own wishes for what is best for them. It's helping them to be the best person they can be. Being honest. Being best friends. Passionate. Pure. True. Strong. The list goes on and on because it means so many wonderful things to me now. And I can finally say that at least I know the difference between love and obssession, passion and pain...."

"Today my life stopped. V called and said that Jax's plane was missing. I felt numb. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I just knew I couldn't survive if he was lost to me forever. Just when I was beginning to lose all hope, he walked in my door like he didn't have a care in the world. I have never been so relieved in my life! He was back. And safe. I have no intention of ever letting him get that close to leaving my life again...."

"It's 3:30 in the morning...and I can't sleep. I woke up with the most amazing realization! It feels like I've been searching for love all of my life. It just goes to show how blind I am....it's been in front of my face the whole time! My realization....I am in love with Jax! I think I've been in love with him all along....I just didn't know it because I was so confused and mixed up as to what love is supposed to be. But when I thought about what Gail and I discussed I realized that he's everything I've ever wanted! He's everything that I described love as being. How could I have been so blind?

Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I knew all along, but I was so afraid of the strength of it. So afraid that I didn't deserve it. Giving into it would be giving into the greatest love of my life. And that fact scares me to death. I had his love once and it scared me so much that I pushed him away. I won't let my fear stop me this time. We were meant to be. And I'll make Jax see that....no matter what it takes...."

"Well, it's another sleepless night. I've been thinking of Jax again. I guess it's a tough job, but someone has to do it! I turned on the radio and this song came on that was perfect for what I've been through in my life. It's about getting lost in the quest for love, but eventually finding your way back home where you belong. It's called "Broken Road" by Melanie Crittenden. The lyrics are:

'I set out on a narrow way many years ago.
Hoping I would find true love on the broken road.
I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow, kept pushing through.
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you.

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are.
Others who broke my heart, they were just Northern stars.
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms.
This much I know is true...
God blessed the broken road that led me straigt to you.

I think about the years I've spent, just passing through.
I'd like to take the time I've lost and give it back to you.
But you just smile and take my hand. You've been there. You understand
It's all part of a grander plan. That is coming true.

Now I'm just rolling home..into my lover's arms.
This much I know, I know it's true.
God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you."

"Tonight I proposed to Jax. He turned me down. But I know it isn't because he doesn't love me. It's because he's afraid of the pain. Just like I used to be. He says it won't work, but I know it can and it will. He just needs to learn to trust me again. And for that I will need to be patient. I can do that now. I can wait for him forever if he needs me to. I still may not deserve him in many ways, but now I have sense enough to hang on for dear life and not let go...."

"Jax is so afraid. I see it in his eyes. I hear it in his voice. He's determined not to lose his heart again. My heart breaks at what I've do to him. He bounded into my life with a heart full of trust and love and I tore it up when I went back to Sonny. Sonny always has been our problem. If I could have one wish in reference to Sonny, it would be that I could see him one more time...to say good-bye and walk away. I told him once that I wanted to be able to look in his eyes and not lose myself.

I couldn't do it then, but I know I can do that now. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know who I love. I have no doubts now...no questions....no despair....just a heart full of love and hope.

I just wish I had the chance to face that final test....because then I know Jax would finally see that Sonny is no longer a factor in my life. He no longer has a place in my heart. There's only room for one man now. Jax is the only one who holds my heart in his hands. In passing the final test, maybe Jax could trust my love again...."

That was the last entry. Jax closed the book, a smile playing on his lips. How did she know this had been exactly what he needed? He wouldn't be able to tell her that all of his doubts were gone, but at least he was no longer afraid to try.

Jax got up to leave. He had to get to Brenda's. There was so much that needed to be said. So much to feel....

He got back in the car and put the journals back in the box. Darn! I must have dropped Brenda's note.> He got back out and went down by the docks to search for it. There it was on the bench. He picked up the note and started to bound up the steps.

Then his heart stopped. He heard her voice calling. Joy welled up inside him. He couldn't wait to tell her what reading the journals had done. How much he understood now. But just as soon as he felt the joy, his heart stopped....

"Oh, there you are." Brenda paused. "Hello, Sonny. Thank you for meeting me."

to be continued.....

______________________________________________________