The Final Test-4

by:Sydney

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Hey everyone! Thanks again for all of the wonderful feedback! I really appreciate it and hope you enjoy this next section!

~Chapter 4~

"Over? Brenda, Sonny has just begun." Jax ran his fingers through his thick wavy hair in a sign of frustration. He walked over to the couch, sighing wearily as he sat down.

Brenda leaned against the door for a second, staring at his back. His shoulders were slumped and his head was resting in his hands.

She hated to see him this way. This wasn't the strong, confident Jax that she knew so well. It wasn't as if he'd never been this way before, but it was the first time she was *really* seeing what Sonny's presence in their lives had and could do to him.

All of a sudden she felt as if this was the night when their future would be decided. She knew Jax loved her and she could even go so far as to say that she believed he wished for a future with her, but the one thing that was standing in their way....had always stood in their way...was Sonny. It was way past time for Sonny to be out of the picture. And tonight she was determined to make sure he was.

Brenda walked over to Jax and sat down facing him on the table. As she did, he looked up. The sadness in his eyes literally broke her heart. She reached out and took his hand in hers. "How's your hand? From the looks of Sonny's face, you must have hit him pretty hard. Does it hurt?" She rubbed where his nuckles were beginning to turn red.

Jax smiled and shrugged off her concern, his macho bravado showing through. "Nah. It only hurts when the other guy is strong enough to hit back."

Brenda grinned. "Oh, I see. Well, then. Sonny must be in a world of hurt right now because..." her voice softened with emotion, "...*you* are the strongest man I've ever known in my whole entire life."

Catching the full meaning of her words, Jax blinked and looked down at his floor, unable to trust himself to look her in the eyes.

He'd seen the way she stood up to Sonny just a few minutes earlier. He was proud of her...she hadn't budged an inch. And the fact that she was still with him now meant the world to him. But he couldn't help it...he kept hearing Sonny's words from the past over and over...She'll always come back to me...> As for approaching Brenda, I never do Why don't you try telling your *wife* to stay away from *me*.

No. There were too many doubts, too many times that she'd left, too many times she'd said the right thing only to turn around and run back to Sonny. He couldn't hear what Sonny had said to Brenda just before he left...but he got the general idea. Sonny was not about to give up. And Jax wasn't about to watch her walk away again. For the sake of his heart, he couldn't believe so easily this time.

Brenda had been studying his face. She could literally see the wheels turning in that gorgeous head of his. She knew Sonny's appearance had effected him more than he was trying to let on. She knew he wasn't sure of her and that he had doubts. And the only way that she knew to begin to heal that part of his heart was to get it out in the open. She knew he would be resistant to the idea, but she at least had to try.

"Jax, what happened between you and Sonny before I got here?"

Jax looked up sharply. "Why? Are you worried I might have misunderstood Sonny's intentions?" Brenda's expression made him realize that his voice had taken on a harder edge than he had intended.

Brenda shook her head. "No, Jax. I'm sure you understood Sonny's intentions perfectly. I want to know because I can see that whatever he said or did upset *you*."

Jax's voice softened. "I'm sorry, Brenda. You didn't deserve that."

"I don't know, Jax. Maybe I did." Brenda said thoughtfully.

Jax could tell Brenda had that look in her eye...the one she always got when she wanted to have a 'talk' about their relationship. The last thing he felt he could deal with right now was a frank and honest discussion about them or the past...it was just too much pain to dredge up.

"Look, Brenda. I really don't think we should get into this right now. I mean, whatever happened is over and done with and there's no point in bringing it back up." he responded with determination.

"But Jax, don't you see? This is exactly what we need. How can we expect to begin a future when we haven't dealt with the past?"

Jax's voice raised in frustration as he got up and walked to the fireplace. "Haven't you been listening to me the past few months? I'm not so sure we *have* a future, Brenda, at least not the kind you want."

"Jax, if you really believed that, you wouldn't be here right now. The Jax I know would have cut his losses and walked away a long time ago. But you didn't. Because you still love me. And deep down inside you know we belong together."

Jax turned away from her to face the fireplace. She was right. And he knew it. More than anything he still wanted her in his life. Not just as a friend, but as the love in his life. A vision of the two of them together in love and happy still haunted his dreams.

But so much had happened. So much had come between them. He wasn't sure if he had the strength to get through the pain enough to trust again.

Brenda watched him as he silently stared into the fire. She figured she could pretty much handle anything he threw her way. Everything that is except his silence.

"Jax, I know you think that what is in the past is best left there. And I agree with you, for the most part. But I've seen what *not* dealing with the past can do to people. I saw what it did to us. Our inability to deal with our respective pasts with Miranda and Sonny tore us apart." Brenda's voice was shaking with emotion. She had to get this out if she had any chance of getting through to him.

She took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions. "Jax, one of the things you've taught me is to learn from your mistakes and move on. And one of our biggest mistakes was not talking to each other about our feelings and our insecurities and acting like everything was ok when we knew damn well it wasn't. I will *not* make that mistake with you again."

Not able to stand his silence anymore, Brenda walked over to stand next to him by the fireplace. She laid her hand on his arm and looked up into his face trying to read his expression.

"Jax. Talk to me. Please. Tell me what you're so afraid of."

Jax looked at her, love and fear mingled in his expression. He closed his eyes and sighed. "You name it, Brenda, I'm afraid of it." He opened his eyes and looked deeply into hers. "I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to hold on. I'm afraid to hurt or feel or that I'm not strong enough to deal with this again. Mostly, I'm afraid of losing again."

Brenda just smiled and shook her head. "That's not going to happen. There's no way in hell I'm ever walking away from you ever again. And, there's nothing that you can say, there's nothing that you're feeling that we can't deal with together."

Jax reached out and caressed her face. He shook his head in disbelief. Her strength and courage still had a way of amazing him. "How is it that after all you have been through, you still have faith enough to believe in love...to believe in us?"

"Because I know who I am now. Because I know you and I understand the strength of our love. And because...every time I look in your eyes, I see our future. Add all that up and I'd say it's a pretty sure bet." Tears began to form in her eyes.

"Besides, I'm not the only one in this relationship who has suffered pain. God, Jax, do you realize what I have watched you deal with? I've seen you deal with the pain of knowing the love of your life lied to you for 6 years while pretending to be dead. And the betrayal you felt knowing that your parents and Jerry were part of the plan. As if that weren't bad enough, I betrayed you as well..."

"Brenda, don't. We don't need to go into this."

"That's my point, Jax. This is *exactly* what we need to go into. *I* betrayed you. I was unfaithful to you with a man that you hate more than anyone in the world and then I proceeded to walk out of your life. Jax, no one person can deal with that kind of pain alone. And that's exactly the way you've handled it. Alone. When you needed me the most, I walked away because I was too weak. Honey, your trust has been violated so many times, it's no wonder you can't imagine trusting again."

She walked back over to the couch and sat down. "When I said you were the strongest man I know, I meant it. I don't know of anyone else who could go through the hell I put you through and still have enough love in their heart to stand by my side during the worst times of my life. You've always been my strength. You let me be myself and feel whatever it was I needed to feel. You're the reason I made it through it all. And now that I have..now that I have enough strength of my own, you need me. Now it's your turn to feel whatever it is. It's my turn to hold *your* hand. Please let me."

The words came slowly at first, and before he knew it, Jax was pouring his heart out to Brenda.

"She wasn't the love of my life. She was my first love, but not my greatest. When I met her, I believed that Fate had brought us together and that we would be that way forever. I loved her so much she became my life. Then one terrible night, because of my actions, I lost her. And I wanted to die. For months all I could think about was how best to destroy myself. My family's support was the only thing that got me through that time in my life. I got interested in work and then *it* became my life. I dated occassionally. But noone ever got to my heart. See, when Miranda died, I stopped dreaming. I stopped planning for a future. I buried my heart so deep that I was sure love would never find me again. Love, to me, was for the foolish and the weak. All I could see ahead of me was a sea of corporations waiting to be raided. And that's why I was so good...I had no feeling left in me. And that was a very lonely way to live."

Jax walked over and sat down on the couch next to Brenda. "Then you breezed in through my door and took me completely by surprise, Brenda. I never expected to feel again and then all of a sudden, there I was wanting to know you. Wanting to be the one to make you laugh or smile. I no longer wanted to die. I wanted to live forever with you. And create dreams with you..and watch those dreams come true. You made me believe in love again. You made me want a future. I realized that, without even trying, you'd taken complete control of my heart. And I knew than that I either had to have you in my life forever or I had to walk away and never look back."

"Is that when you proposed to me?"

Jax nodded. "Yes. I knew you still loved Sonny, but I really believed my love was strong enough that in time you would come to love me as much as I loved you." Jax smiled at himself. "Boy, was I arrogant! One of the things I loved so much about you was how much you were like me. When you and I love, Brenda, we give our all....heart and soul. Reason doesn't count for anything. We just follow our hearts. And when I followed mine...it led me to you. And we were happy for a while....until you followed your heart. That's why I let you go...I wanted you to be true to your heart even if it did lead you away from me."

"But, Jax, I don't think you understand..."

"Brenda, I understand perfectly. When I told you at our 2nd wedding that I had never loved so much in my lifetime....I meant it. It's easy to have a first love or love someone who loves you back. And, yes, I loved Miranda. But my love for her was like a small stream in comparison to the ocean of love I have for you. See, *you* are the love of my life. The problem is.....I'm not yours. Sonny is...and always has been. And that fact left me with more of a broken heart than Miranda's lies and 'dying' ever could."

Brenda's eyes were brimming with tears. For the first time perhaps, she really understood the depth of Jax's love for her and how deeply her betrayal had cut him. She took his face in her hands and smiled a smile full of love and regret for the pain she had caused him. "No, Jax. You are wrong. I was so mixed up at the time that I just didn't see the truth. And because of my stupidity and weakness, I hurt the only man that can make me truly happy. See, Sonny isn't the love of my life...*you* are."

As he looked into her eyes, a single tear began to fall down his face. "I want so much to believe you, Brend." He shook his head, pulled away and walked over to the fireplace again trying to form the words he needed to say.

When he finally spoke, it was with determination, even though his heart was breaking with every word. "But we've been down this road before. And no matter how much your head tells you that I'm the one you want, your heart can't lie. And in the end it will lead you back to him, and I will be the one left standing with nothing. I've lost before, and, frankly, I don't do losing well. You're the love of my life, Brend. I won't be less than yours. I can't live that way again." Jax knew he had to get out of there. His emotions were getting way out of control. "Brenda, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I've got to go." And with that he headed toward the door.

Brenda jumped up and ran over to him and grabbed his arm. "Wait, Jax. Please don't go. We can get through this."

"Brenda. Please. I can't." Jax's eyes were pleading with her.

"Ok, Jax. What do you need? Just tell me and it's yours."

Jax swallowed hard and blinked trying to hold back the tears. "I need you to let me go."

Tears began streaming down Brenda's face. "Ok. I'll let you go...for now. Just don't ask me to give up on us...that would be like asking me to stop breathing."

Jax leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "I'm so sorry, Brenda." he whispered, then was gone.

Brenda walked to the couch and slumped down, her tears overtaking her.

to be continued....