The Final Test-12

by:Sydney

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey everyone! Well, I've finally reached the last chapter! It's long and mushy so be prepared! :) I want to thank all of you for your support and for sticking with me thru the writing of this little journey for J&B. I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I have bringing it to you! Hugs forever, Sydney :)

~Chapter 12~

She was outside in the garden. The sky was blue with big fluffy clouds. The breeze was whipping her skirt around her legs. The scent of roses were in the air and she was once more being drawn to the rose archway. All of her hopes rested on Jax being there....waiting for her.

She could hear the swing swaying in the breeze. (Please let Jax be there.) She rounded the corner to see him sitting on the swing. He was holding their yacht. He held out his hand to her and smiled. "Come here, Brenda. I'm finally ready to dream again."

She reached out for him, but something kept holding her back. She tried to run to him, but someone was holding her close. She looked back and saw Sonny's face close to hers. She could feel his breath on her shoulder. "I won't let you go, Brenda. You'll never be his."

"Let me go, Sonny. I don't want you. I love Jax. Jax! Help me! Don't let him take me away! Jax don't leave. Please....Jax. Jax...help me!"

Brenda felt herself being shaken. She gasped for air. She felt like she couldn't breath...like Sonny was crushing the life out of her.

"Brenda. Brenda. Wake up. Sweetie. It's only a dream. Honey, I'm right here. I'm not going to leave."

Her eyes flew open. As she focused on the voice calling her name and the eyes full of concern looking into her own, tears began to fall down her cheeks.

"Jax. Oh my god. Jax. You're really here." She held on to him so tightly, so desperately....afraid that if she didn't he would just vanish.

Jax held her tight and began to stroke her hair. "Shhh, Brenda. It's ok. It was only a dream. I'm here and I'm never leaving again. Ok?"

Once Brenda's fear had subsided, she pulled back to look into Jax's eyes. She reached up and touched his face as if to make sure he was real. "I had a dream. You were waiting for me in the garden, but Sonny kept holding me back. I fought him, but I couldn't reach you. What do you think that means?"

"It means that the events of last night are finally catching up to you, Brenda. That's to be expected." Jax's rational mind seeking a way to calm her irrational fears.

"You really don't think that it means anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Well, like no matter how hard I try to be with you, Sonny will always be in our way." Brenda looked at Jax, her eyes full of fear at the possibility that her dreams of a future with Jax, just within arms reach, would never really come true.

Jax got an amused look on his face. "What? You mean to tell me you've taken up dream interpretation?" he teased trying to lighten the mood.

Brenda smacked him playfully on the chest and pointed at him trying to emphasize her point. "Don't laugh at me! Dreams sometimes do have deeper meanings, you know. I've heard there's been extensive reasearch on things like this."

Jax began to chuckle as he pulled her into one of his trade-mark Jax hugs. "Oh, Brenda, my little dream-interpreter." Then he became serious, knowing she needed his reassurance that they would be ok. He pulled away and looked deeply into her eyes. All of his love and confidence shining through. "Sonny is in jail. And from the looks of it, he will be there for quite a while. He can never come between us again."

Brenda saw the look in his eyes and knew that he truly believed what he said, but her dream had so unnerved her that she had to be certain. "Are you sure?"

Jax just smiled at her question. He was constantly amazed at her ability to be so strong and yet so vulnerable all at the same time. In fact, it was one of the things he loved most about her.

He reached out and softly took her face in his hands. His eyes roamed every inch of her face as if to burn it's image in his memory. Her skin was so soft....he had always loved the feel of her in the morning. Jax leaned down and gently kissed the lips that were waiting for his touch. It was a kiss of reasurrance that held promises of a happy future together.

Suddenly, he pulled away, a smile playing over his lips at the enraptured look on Brenda's face. Her eyes remained closed as the most beautiful smile lit her whole face. "Mmmmmmm....*that* was just what I needed." she said as she opened her eyes to look into his.

"Glad to be of service." He grinned. Then his tone and expression changed instantly as he got off the bed. He was no longer Jax the lover....Jax the reassurer. He was Jax, the man with a mission. "Now, it's time for you to get ready. And if I were you, I'd hurry. We don't have much time."

"Get ready? For what?"

"For the beginning of the rest of our lives, my love." Jax said, cryptically.

"Ummmm, good answer. And as wonderful as that sounds, it just won't fly with me. I know you're up to something. What is it?"

Jax gave her this 'who me?' look then his face became a vision of mock-seriousness. "Forget it, Brenda. You won't get anything out of me. If you really want to know what's going on, I suggest you get ready." And with that he closed the door behind him as he walked out leaving an excited, curious Brenda behind to get ready.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Jax! This is sooo incredible! Brenda exclaimed. "It seems like you can see forever!"

Jax came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "Yeah. It sure does."

They were standing in the basket of a hot air ballon that Jax had rented. They had been sailing over Port Charles and the surrounding area most of the morning. The sight was breathtaking. There were rolling green hills and patches of trees. And mountains as far as they could see.

"Wow! I just can't get over how beautiful it is from up here."

"If you think that's beautiful, wait till we pass over that clump of trees right there." Jax pointed to a nearby section of land. Within the next minute they had passed over the trees enough to see a lake revealed below.

"A lake! Jax, I think this is the most perfect place I've ever seen!" Brenda's excitment was apparent in the way her smile lit up her face and made her eyes sparkle. In that moment, Jax realized how much he had missed being able to fully give to Brenda...of the things he enjoyed...of himself. Making her happy was the one of the most fulfilling things he'd ever known. And months of separation and denying his feelings had made him miss so much time.

Brenda noticed his silence and turned around in his arms. Touching his face she said, "Hey. You ok?"

He smiled down at her and pulled her closer. "I'm perfect. I was just thinking how good it feels to hold you like this."

"Mmmmm...not half as good as it feels to be held. Do you have any idea how many times and how long I've dreamed of us being like this again?"

Jax shook his head, unwilling to trust his voice to speak without shaking.

"It seems like I've been waiting my whole life to be this happy. And now I am. And it's because of you, you know." she confessed, love radiating out of her eyes.

Jax couldn't believe this was real. How funny. Brenda seemed to think she was the only one who'd been dreaming of this moment. She didn't realize that as much as she thought she owed her happiness to him, he was actually the one who was in debt. He could never have given his heart back to her, if she'd not been willing to completely give him hers.

He shook his head slightly in disbelief and blinked back the tears. "You have no idea what you give to me, do you?"

Brenda just smiled. "I think I kinda know. But....I wouldn't mind if you showed me." looking up at him through her lashes.

Jax pulled her to him and left her breathless with a kiss full of intense passion that can only be shared by two people completely committed to one another. Her arms cirled around him as her hands entwined in the waves of hair at the base of his neck pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. It was as if they were both seeking to reclaim that which had once been theirs. As if they were both coming home.

When they broke the kiss, Brenda whispered, "Wow! What you do to me when you kiss me like that can only be described as criminal."

"Really? Does that mean you'll have to come up with a way to punish me?" Jax raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Oh, I won't have to think very long. In fact, I already have a few ideas..."

"I'm sure you do." kissing her quickly on the lips. "And as much as I would *love* to continue this line of thinking, it will just have to wait because we need to land right now."

"Land?" Brenda asked looking around. "But, this isn't where we started."

Jax grinned. "I know. You didn't think all you were getting was a balloon ride did you? Oh, Brenda, I thought you knew me better than that." he said with an laugh that left Brenda wondering what exactly her Prince Charming had up his sleeve. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Jaaaaaax! I can't belive you just did that! How could you throw me in the lake...clothes and all?" Brenda was standing by the lake, drenched from head to toe.

Jax was laughing so hard tears were rolling down his face and he could barely speak. "It serves you right! You tried to push me in. Then when that didn't work you dumped a bucket of water on me. Turn about is definitely fair play, young lady. Or don't you remember that?"

Brenda grinned from ear to ear, a sure sign that she too remembered that morning with the shaving cream and the couch when they were first married. "Alright. Alright. But don't think I won't get you back."

"So, can we call a truce?" Jax asked holding out his hand.

Brenda looked at his hand and shook her head. "I prefer to seal my agreements with this." And with that she reached up and gave him a playful kiss on the cheek and skipped out of his arms just as he tried to tighten them around her. Stepping back she asked, "Now that you have *ruined* all of my clothes, what pray tell do you plan on me wearing?"

"Oh, that's no problem. We *are* alone here, you know." Jax suggested.

"I don't think so, buster! Knowing you and how you love to plan things, I'm sure that I have an extra set of clothes laying around here somewhere, right?"

"Awww. You're no fun." Jax teased, loving the fact that she knew him so well. Jax took her hand and started to lead her to the beach house further down the lake.

Once they'd changed clothes into their bathing suits that Jax had brought, they went for a swim in the lake. Since both of them were very good swimmers and both of them loved to win....at anything, half of their time was spent competing with each other and trying to out do the other. The other half was spent making up for the tricks they played on each other to win.

When they finally got out, it was early afternoon. Brenda walked up on the shore and noticed a blanket on the ground with a picnic spread out for them.

Jax came up next to her. "Hope you're hungry."

Brenda's eyes were wide with surprise. She hadn't seen anyone laying anything out and Jax had been with her the whole time. "Of course I'm hungry, but how did you do this?"

"Do what?" Jax asked innocently.

"*This*" she responded, pointing to the picnic.

"Oh, *that*. Well, I guess the forest fairies took pity on us and left this here for our consumption." he said, gesturing to the trees with his hands.

"Forest fairies, huh? Kinda like the honeymoon fairies we met in New Orleans?"

"Yeah. Something like that." he resonded, leaning over and giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Now, I'm starved. Let's eat." as he plopped himself down on the blanket readying himself to devour their meal.

Brenda just shook her head. This man was truly one big ball of surprises and contadictions. He could be playful one moment, serious the next. Strong and vulnerable all at the same time. Constantly full of surprises, yet she knew him so well. She didn't think she'd ever get over how amazing he really was. Life with him had always been exciting, and she had the feeling that they had only scraped the surface before. Was is really possible to love someone this much? she wondered.

"Brenda, is something wrong? Aren't you going to eat?" Jax asked concerned after noticing that she'd made no move to sit down.

A smile lit her face. "Nothing's wrong. In fact, everything is just perfect." she tossled his hair as she sat down next to him and started to dig in to the food. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After they had eaten their fill they decided to take a break and just rest on the blanket. The sun felt so warm on their skin. Brenda was laying on Jax's chest, looking up at the sky. This moment was so perfect. She didn't want to ruin it, but there were some things she just needed to know.

Brenda sat up and took a deep breath, trying to gain her courage. "Jax? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Did you think I ran off with Sonny last night?" she whispered, concentrating on the pattern of the blanket, afraid to meet his eyes.

He noticed how she was biting her bottom lip...a sure sign that she was nervous about the upcoming conversation and was doing everything in her power to avoid his eyes. "Brenda, look at me."

When she finally looked at him, he started to shake his head. "No, Brenda. I didn't think you ran off with Sonny. I won't lie to you... it bothered me to see you and Sonny dancing and kissing, and for a split second I did wonder if I had been wrong. But it was only for a second, and I think it was more out of the habit of jumping to conclusions like in the past than it was from actually knowing you."

A slight smile passed her lips. "But how did you know? I mean, how could you be certain?"

Jax sat up and faced her, taking her hands in his. "Because I've watched you, Brenda. You've changed and grown so much. And because of your journals. You opened your heart to me by letting me read them. And after I did, I realized that I was so wrong about so many things."

"Jax. You know we really don't have to talk about this right now if you don't want to." she knew they needed to talk, but she wanted so much to be sure that he was ready.

"No, Brenda. We *do* need to talk about this. In fact, I was hoping that we'd get a chance today. We really can't proceed with our future until we know where we want to go and what happened in the past. Do you know what it is you want from us, Brenda....what you want for our future?"

Brenda nodded. "I just want us together, Jax. Like before. But *not* like before. I mean, what I want is for us to be better than we were. I want us to learn from the mistakes we've made and choose to not make those mistakes again. Am I making sense?"

"Perfect sense. I want that too. I don't want us to doubt ourselves or each other anymore. I want us to have complete, unfailing trust in one another because we *know* each other. That way when obstacles come into our path, we can rely on each other and nothing will be able to come between us and break us apart."

"You know, I've done a lot of thinking about what went wrong with us before. And until I read your journals, I really believed that it was a simple case of you having always loved Sonny and that I always took second place in your life. But now, I realize that I was wrong."

"Your security is knowledge, Brenda. You are the strongest, bravest woman I've ever known...in any circumstance. But you are strongest and safest when you know what to expect. And you thought you knew what to expect with me, because every part of my life was open to you...except the one you needed to know about the most....Miranda."

"When Miranda showed up alive, my world fell apart. I left you in your wedding dress to run after a woman you didn't even know existed, and you didn't blink an eye. You stood by my side when I needed you the most. And all you asked in return was that I would open up that part of my life to you...that I would be completely yours again. And that was the one thing I didn't do. For whatever reason, I failed you by not talking to you when you asked. By not listening to you when you told me what Miranda was up to."

"And when I finally realized it, it was too late. I'd already lost your trust. I'd already lost you." Jax blinked and looked down trying to hide the pain and regret so evident in his eyes.

Brenda reached up and wiped the tears from her own eyes before taking Jax's face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "You didn't lose me. Not really. I may have left, but my heart stayed behind. And deep inside, I knew that. That's why I pretended. That's why I lied. I said I was so happy with Sonny, but a large part of me wasn't. A large part of me knew that I didn't belong with him anymore. That's why I changed who I was to become what he wanted. That was the only way I could go on living without you."

Jax swallowed hard. He was trying so hard to maintain control of his emotions, but he had contained them for so long that they wouldn't wait any longer to be shown. Tears began to fall down his cheeks as Brenda pulled him close. They stayed that way for a while, Jax allowing himself to feel the pain of loss...Brenda creating the safety he needed to let himself go.

Jax finally pulled back, embarrassed by his show of emotion. "I'm sorry, Brenda. I didn't mean to..."

"Don't you ever apologize for showing me your heart, Jax. Don't ever apologize for sharing your feelings with me...whatever they may be. That's our deal, remember? That we can feel whatever it is and know that it's acceptable. I won't let you not need me again." seeing the flicker of combined confusion and openness to listen, she knew it was now her turn to show him what she'd learned.

"Honey, you aren't the only one who made mistakes. Since the beginning when we met, I made a huge one in putting you on a pedestal. Believing that you were invincible. That you knew everything. That you were so strong you could handle anything that I threw your way."

"And all of that is still so true to me. You are still the strongest, most generous, most romantic, most loving, most gentle, most brilliant, sexiest man I've ever known." she paused to smile at him...complete love written all over her face. "But the problem is that in doing that, I failed to see that you're also a flesh and blood man who has hopes and dreams that can be broken. That you have needs that have to be met. That you make mistakes just like everyone else. And you don't always have all of the answers."

"In making you perfect, I didn't believe I was right for you....that I could ever make you happy. Combine that with my belief that I wasn't good enough for you, and I ended up thinking you were better off without me. And I was too afraid to be alone, so I turned to the only person I thought I was good enough for...Sonny."

Jax spoke up. "And here I was thinking that you chose Sonny because *he* was the better man."

"Are you kidding? I've never known a better man in my life than you. I've never known anyone with a heart like yours. It's made of pure gold, you know. And larger than any sky...deeper than any ocean." she paused again, this time tracing the outline of his face with her fingers.

"Do you know from the moment we met, I trusted you? I thought you were wild and outrageous, but I didn't fear giving myself to you. In fact, I opened up to you in ways that I'd never done to anyone before. You were everything I ever wanted but never knew. And before I knew it, I came to depend on you to fix everything for me. And that was wrong of me. Because I failed to see that you needed me too. You became the giver and I was the taker."

"All of my life, I've run from my fears....from my feelings. I've run from myself. You were the first person to tell me it was ok to be me and that you'd love me no matter what....and actually did. I pushed you away because I was afraid of that kind of love. I didn't think I deserved it."

"I don't want us to go back there, Jax. I want to be an equal partner with you. I understand there are times I'll need to lean on you, but I also want you to lean on me. I don't want you to think you have to be strong for me all the time. Now, *I* can handle anything you throw *my* way. And I don't expect you to know all of the answers any more. In fact, I don't want you too. It will be so much more fun to learn and grow together instead of apart the way we have been."

She took his hands in hers and looked into his eyes. "So, Jasper Jacks, I now make this promise to you. I will let you be exactly who you are and not expect you to be perfect...even though I'll always believe that you are the perfect one *for* me." she said with a grin. "I will see you as you really are...faults and all....and love you unconditionally for the rest of my life. I will be your best friend. When you need a shoulder, I will be your strength and meet your needs. I won't run away from my feelings anymore...no matter how scary they are. And if I feel I can't handle them on my own, I will come to you. And I will believe in myself enough to know that I can make you happy...that I do deserve your love."

Jax was so touched by her words that he could barely speak. He looked down at her hands holding his and knew that this was the moment he'd been waiting for all of his life. When he was completely free to give himself to a woman who so completely filled his life like Brenda. And that she was equally free to do the same.

He looked back up into her eyes, glistening with tears, and began.

"I promise you, Brenda, that I will no longer hold anything back from you. I will show you who I really am...hopes, joy, dreams, pain, fears, needs....you have all of me from now on. I can't promise to not want to take care of you. That's part of me, but I will allow you to be my strength as much as I want to be yours. I trust you with my heart, Brenda, because I know it's safe with you. And I promise that your's will always be safe with me. Because I love you. I always have. I always will."

He reached up and wiped the tears that she had been shedding. Then he gently pulled her into a kiss of commitment, sealing their promises to each other. Brenda's arms came around his neck as she pulled him closer, wanting more. As their kisses deepened, a fire was ignited between them that they knew would never be put out.

Jax broke the kiss long enough to sweep Brenda up in his arms and carry her into the beach house to a paradise unlike any they have ever experienced before.

(Author's note: Ok. Ok. You guys can use your own imaginations on this one! I'm sure they would do MUCH better justice to the scene than I ever could! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brenda slowly opened her eyes and smiled contentedly as memories of the past several hours flashed before her. It had been everything she remembered...and more.

Jax and she had finally reached a place in their lives where both of their hearts and their heads were at the same place at the same time. And that had made their bond of love making even more intimate and deeper than ever before. She had never felt so connected to another human being in all of her life. She'd never known the feeling of truly becoming one with someone....until loveing Jax.

She turned to his side of the bed, but it was empty. "Jax." she called as she sat up in bed. "Jax, where are you?"

No response. She got out of bed, putting a robe on, she went in search of Jax. She went down the hall into the sunk in living room. Jax was standing in front of the window, looking out at the setting sun. She snuck up behind him, wrapping her arms around her waist.

"I woke up and you were gone. It was a very lonely feeling." she confessed.

Jax turned around. He didn't say anything...he just looked at her as if he saw her, but didn't really see her. In his eyes, there was a trace of thoughtfulness.

"Jax? Is something wrong? Are you....are you having second thoughts about us?" his silence was beginning to frighten her. Maybe he hadn't been ready after-all. Maybe he regretted what had happened between them. "Are you sorry we made love?" she whispered.

Brenda's question seemed to bring him out of his trance. "Oh, Brenda, how could you even think that? Of course, I'm not sorry. Sweetie, there's is nothing in this world that could make me regret what just happened between us. I've never experienced that kind of oneness with anyone before. And I'm *definitely* not having second thoughts about us." He walked over to her and gave her a hug of reassurance.

Brenda breathed a sigh of relief. "Then what's going on in that gorgeous head of yours? Your thoughts seemed miles away."

Jax smiled into her hair. "Actually, my thoughts were no further than a few feet away. I wanted to give you something, and was trying to decide the best way to do it."

She pulled away to look in his eyes, a smile spreading over her face. "You have something for me? What is it?" excitment shining in her dark brown eyes.

"Well, it's something that used to belong to you. And meant a lot to both of us...sort of a symbol of our home, and..."

"Our yacht! You have our yacht here?!" she exclaimed doing a little Brenda dance.

A grin spread out over Jax's face. "What a smart woman I've fallen in love with." he leaned down and gave Brenda a kiss full of love.

"Keep kissing me like that, and I may not make it to the rest of our lives." Brenda said as she pulled away. "Now, quit stalling and give me the yacht."

"Ok. But I need to tell you something first. The yacht had an accident."

Brenda looked concerned. "What do you mean? What happened to it?"

"Well, when you left, I finally decided to store away some of our things. And while I was doing that V picked up the yacht, and I yelled at her for touching it. I guess I scared her because she dropped it and it broke."

Tears sprang to Brenda's eyes. The parallels of their broken home and the broken yacht did not go unnoticed by her. "How appropriate. The yacht was broken...just like our home."

Jax saw the tears and felt the pain just as keenly as she did. "Honey, don't cry. See, *this* is what I was afraid of." He took her hands in his and led her to the couch. "Brenda, I know what you're thinking. Believe me, I've thought it myself. I never fixed the yacht because I figured 'what's the point?' You had already decided to be with Sonny and I had lost you for what I thought was forever."

"But you know what? No matter how hard I tried, no matter how hopeless it looked, I could never squelch the dream deep in my heart that you would find your way back to me. That one day we would be together again. That's why I never got rid of this. That's why I never left Port Charles. I loved you too much to walk away."

"We have both gone through so many things since then. We've had so many tests to face...separately and together. We've face our pasts. We've faced ourselves. We've even faced each other. And each time, we've come out the winners."

"And all that we've gone through...all that we've learned culminated into us facing the biggest test of them all. For you, it was facing Sonny and knowing that you had finally broken free from him and the hold he had on you. Free enough to give your heart completely again. For me, it was trusting you enough with my heart to believe in our love again...even when it looked like you'd left once more."

"We've overcome all of our obstacles, sweetie. And now that we've commited to fixing us and our relationship, I think it's only appropriate that we also fix the symbol of our home...together. So, what do you think?" he asked, hope shining in his blue-green eyes.

Tears spilled down Brenda's cheeks. "Oh, Jax. I think that's perfect. How is it that you always make everything right?"

Jax grinned while wiping away her tears. "It's a gift. I suggest you start getting used to it." he teased.

"Ok. But, I have to warn you...it might take the rest of my life to do just that."

"Mmmm...*that*, my love, is what I'm counting on."

Jax and Brenda leaned forward and as their lips touched, they were both flooded with a sense of having finally reached the destination they had both longed for...knowing that the journey was just beginning.

The End