by Laura K
Hey Angels! Well, as most of you probably realize by now, I have sort of
written myself into a corner
here
______________
With the first breaking of the sun I was on the phone.
I knew it was time to ask for help. I knew my only chance of getting past
this thing was to get through the pain I had ineffectually left behind until
now. My friend Debbie, a psychologist, had been trying to get me to deal
with this stuff for a long time.
I think I'm ready now.
"Debbie? It's me." I said quietly.
She immediately sensed the fear and the dispair in my voice.
"Whats wrong...are you o.k.?"
I hesitated for a moment, but then I thought about Ingo...and what I was
going to lose if I didn't deal with this thing now.
"No....I'm not." I took a deep breath and continued.
"Debbie? I saw Jared yesterday."
"I'm coming right over."
I hung up the phone, and headed to the kitchen to brew some coffee.
I somehow knew I was going to need it.
__________
I spent most of the morning with Debbie.
I explained to her what had happened and we talked about what was happening
now.
"It sounds to me like you really are ready to face this thing and put it
behind you." Debbie said encouragingly.
"I am." I assured her. This time I really was ready to face the demons and
be done with them. This time I have too much to lose.
"Well, then you have a lot of work ahead of you. I am not going to kid you
and say it will be easy.... but you are strong enough to get through this."
She gave me a reassuring smile.
I waited a moment, and then finally ask the question I was most concerned
about now.
"And what about Ingo?"
"What about him?" Debbie ask curiously.
"Do I tell him? Do I explain to him what happened between Jared and I, and
what I have to do now? Do I let him just stand by while I deal with this
stuff which has nothing to do with him?" Part of me felt guilty for even
thinking of involving him. But the other part of me desperately wanted to
hold on to him.
"I don't know what I should do...."
"What do you want to do?" Debbie questioned in her official 'you have to
make the decision' tone.
"I want to tell him." (There, I said it. I finally allowed myself to admit
what I want.)
"Then thats what you should do." Debbie said matter-of-factly.
It didn't take long for my doubts to creep back in.
"But is that really fair?"
Debbie just looked at me with that oh so patient gaze, and said, "It doesn't
matter what is or isn't fair. Nothing about this whole situation is fair.
But if he means as much to you as you say, and if he really wants to help...then
tell him."
"And if he walks away?"
She looked at me, reading my fears, and gently pushing them aside.
"Do you really think he would do that?"
"No."
"Then don't bother worrying about it. If it happens, you deal with it, that
is all. But from what you have told me my guess is that he will stand by
you through this."
"He will."
"And that is a problem?"
"I don't want his pity."
"From what you've told me...I doubt pity is what he feels. He cares about
you...let him help you through this if he wants to do so."
I thought about what she said, and realized that she was right. Ingo would
be my friend through this because he cares about me, not because he feels
sorry me.
"Your right." I finally admitted to her. "He wants to help me and I should
let him. The hardest part is up to me....I have to open up and tell him."
"It sounds to me like you've made your decision." Debbie said with satisfaction.
"I'm going to tell him."
"Good. Why don't you call him now?"
"No. I want to tell him in person. I am going to ask him to come for the
weekend."
"Fine...make your call...do whatever you need to do. I need to get to the
office now. I will set you up a standing appointment at my office for every
Tuesday and Thursday evening for the forseeable future, o.k.?"
"Thanks Debbie."
"Don't thank me. You are the one who is going to have to do the work. I'm
just glad you finally are ready to deal with this. And I am glad you will
let me help you."
"Isn't that what friends are for?" I admitted glibly.
She smiled at me, and wittily added "Exactly. Remember that when you call
Ingo."
I gave Debbie another hug and she hurried off to her office.
I quickly called Kim to let her know I was running late.
I checked the clock. 9:15.
Its still pretty early in LA...(stop stalling I chided myself....)
He did say to call if I needed anything....
I picked up the phone and slowly dialed the number.
I was just about to hang up after the fourth ring when Ingo's sleepy voice
came on the line...
"Hello?"
His voice...just that one word...God it was music to my ears.
"I'm sorry to wake you..." I mumbled awkwardly.
Ingo recognized my voice instantly, and I could hear him sitting up, fully
alert now.
"Don't be silly. I'm glad you called." He hesitated for a moment, and then
continued, his tone soft and full of concern. "I've been worrying most the
night. Are you o.k.?"
"Yes and no. I am having a really hard time right now..."
"I sorta figured that. What can I do?"
I sat silently, unable to make the words come. Doubt and fear seemed to grip
me.
"Tell me what you need." He said gently.
What I need. He really does care what that is, doesn't he? I knew right then
that I would ask...and I knew that he would come....
"Will you come here for the weekend? I want to explain to you what is going
on....but I really need to do it in person."
Ingo didn't hesitate. He didn't question. He just responded.
"I have to be on set Thursday morning...but I can be there by late Thursday
night."
Relief flooded over me then...relief that I knew somehow, deep in my soul,
that we were going to get through this.
"Thank you." I whispered softly into the phone. I was so inadequate to express
what I felt. But it was all I could say for now.
Ingo sighed with relief.
"You don't have to thank me. I should be thanking you for trusting me. I
was afraid I wouldn't hear from you again...." I could hear the fear in his
voice then, and I knew that he was just as scared as I was at the thought
of losing what chance we might have.
"We won't let that happen Ingo. I promise." I said silently to myself.
Then I tried to apologize to him for the way we had ended things.
Ingo sighed heavily again, and then I for the first time heard a hint of
hope in his voice. "Don't apologize. We will get through this baby...I know
we will. I will see you Thursday night..."
"See you then." I said gently into the phone, as the tears of relief began
streaming down my face.
"See ya." He said softly.
I hung up the phone and smiled for the first time since I had left LA.
"You aren't going to win this time Jared." I said happily to myself. "I am
taking back my life...I will not let you destroy the best thing I have ever
had..."
I quickly headed off to shower and dress for work. I have quite a week to
get through yet.
________
The week was definately long and tedious.
My session Tuesday night with Debbie was an emotional roller coaster ride
that left me utterly exhausted and extremely depressed.
"It will get better." Debbie informed me comfortingly.
"I sure hope your right" I thought sadly to myself as I headed home.
I crawled into bed and tried to sleep, but sleep eluded me as memories of
Jared haunted me through the night.
The next day I stumbled through in a daze...crawling into bed as soon as
I got home. I was only dozing lightly, when the phone woke me.
"Hello?"
"Hey baby. Just wanted to let you know what time I'm getting in tomorrow."
When I didn't respond, he questioned hesitantly, "Do you still want me to
come?"
I thought about that...and realized that the only thing I did know for sure
right now was that I wanted him, needed him to be here.
"I want you to come." I said softly. "I need you to come. I am just having
a tough night."
"Then I am on my way. Hang in there baby...you'll get through this."
I smiled to myself at his encouragement...and felt a little better in spite
of myself.
"I know I will. Thanks for reminding me though. I just needed to hear it.
You always seem to know what I need..."
"Only because I know what I need...and thats you. I won't give up so easily...and
I know you won't either."
"No I won't. I'm in this fight to win."
"And you will." he said softly.
He gave me his flight information, and then bid me good night.
I stared at the phone long after I had hung up, and felt warm for the first
time all week. I also felt something else...hope...hope for tomorrow.
I smiled to myself, and snuggled under the blankets.
For the first time in days, I fell into a deep sleep.
By the next evening I was feeling a little better.
"So, how are you doing?" Debbie questioned casually.
"Better I think."
"And why is that?"
"Because I actually slept last night."
"That is a good sign." she said with a smile.
"Thats what I thought." I smiled back.
"So, is Ingo coming tonight?"
"Yes."
"Are you ready to tell him?"
"More than ready."
"Good. I think you made the right decision."
"I made the only decision I could. He means too much to me for me to let
this ruin what we might have. I won't give Jared that kind of power...not
anymore."
"Good for you. I think that is the first healthy thing you have ever said
where Jared is concerned."
"Thats because nothing about Jared is healthy...not for me anyway."
"Its taken you a long time to see that."
"It took Ingo to show me what real caring is all about."
"Yes, I think you may be right."
"I know I am." I said...with the first feeling of confidence I had known
in quite some time.
We continued to discuss my upcoming conversation with Ingo until my time
was up, and then I left Debbie's office and headed to the airport to meet
Ingo's flight.
I waited impatiently at the gate for the passengers to begin to diisembark.
As the first few passengers headed out of the gate my stomach began to do
flip-flops.
I suddenly realized that for me this was like a new beginning.
I saw a flash of sandy blonde hair above the others, and smiled to myself.
It somehow feels like forever since I've seen him....
He stepped around a gentleman who had stopped to adjust his tie, and his
eyes caught mine. A huge smile broke out on his face and I ran to meet him,
jumping into his arms.
I buried my face in his neck to hide my tears, and held him tightly.
"Shhh, baby...its going to be alright. I'm here. Whatever you need, remember?"
I finally managed to pull my head back to look at him, and the genuine care
and concern I saw in his eyes was like the sunshine flooding back into my
soul.
"I remember." I said with genuine relief. "I have what I need now." I added
with a half smile.
He smiled back at me and then lowered me gently to the ground.
He took my hand and this time I held on tightly.
I wasn't about to let go...
I wasn't about to risk what we had for anything.
This time, I was holding on for dear life.
"Lets get out of here..." He said quietly.
Yes...lets do.
We headed out of the terminal...
together...
the way we were meant to be...
____________________
IRFC
I spent most of the night curled up in a little ball on my bed....reliving
a past I had thought was dead and gone.
She stood to leave, and gave me an affectionate hug.
________
"I'm sorry for the way I...the way it, uhmmm, ended yesterday.."
"It will take time, and work...but you will get through this."
____________
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