Elvis Made Me Do It

by Ashley, Deb, and Heather

Joe woke up with a headache and, he was a little confused. He was staring at Elvis... and moreover... Elvis was staring right back at him! Joe didn't even know where he was. Joe sat there speechless. He tried to remember. The suddenly he did remember something. He had gotten on a plane the night before and flown to Memphis. That still didn't explain why Elvis was staring at him. He thought carefully, "Let me think... Elvis is dead... but I'm not... so why is Elvis looking at me?" He couldn't figure out any reasonable answer. He decided to break the silence.

"Um... Elvis... Where is this place?"

Elvis looked confused for a moment and then replied, "Now son... this is Memphis, Tennessee." Joe still looked baffled so Elvis continued. "This here is my house... and you're in it."

Joe looked at Elvis and finally said what was on his mind. "Aren't you dead?"

Elvis chuckled, "If I was dead, I wouldn't be standing here talking to you... Now would I son?"

Joe got up from the bed he'd slept on and walked over to the window. Sure enough, he was looking over Elvis Presely Blvd. Joe turned around quickly. He still didn't understand. "Okay... then, Elvis... WHY am I here... And..." Joe paused for a moment as he looked around him, "why is this place STILL decked out in 70's crap?"

Elvis was slightly offended. "This is the way I like my home... it may be a little bit flashy, but so am I."

"Anyway," Joe continued, "Why am I here?"

"Why son, I don't know why you're here. I came in to have a peanut butter and banana sandwich and I found you in my house."

"I don't remember that."

"You said you needed advise about something... I think it was about your fans. I'm telling you, the only way to deal with them is to play dead."

Joe looked at Elvis. "Really?"

"Yea, your popularity will sky rocket," Elvis answered quickly.

Joe's eyes lit up... "the girlies would go nuts!" He started to seriously think about this. "So,.. IF I wanted to fake my death... how would I do it?"

"Simple, get really fat and fake a heart attack or an overdose."

Joe frowned. "Uh... maybe something else..."

"Well," Elvis said as he thought, " I guess you could do what James Dean did... car accident."

"Who could know... other than other dead people?"

"No One."

"What about Mom and Dad and all of my family?"

"I'm sorry... not them either. Listen Son, this is a major decision, why don't you give it a night, you can stay here if you want."

So the next morning Elvis came in bright and early. "Have you decided?"

"Yea, I wanna do it."

Elvis smiled.

"Whoa... I feel like Louis and you just gave me the choice." For a moment he thought he had a flashback... Was Elvis a vampire trying t to get him... then he couldn't think of where that thought came from.

"When do you wanna do this?" Elvis asked.

"Tomorrow, but how are we gonna do this... I don't have to drink blood or anything do I? This is nothing like that is it?"

Elvis looked at him weird.

"Nevermind," Joe said.

"Nah, nah... you'll be fine. You will drive out to your friend Jon's ranch... and we will find a cliff for you to drive off of... We will hide and the care will drive over."

Joe thought for a moment... "I kinda want something public... a real grand finale... what if I fell off of a building... and I landed on the Slut... or maybe the Hussy... and they REALLY die???"

"Nah Joe, you can't kill any of your ex-girl friends."

"How about Jordan's? I could kill Evil-lyn!!!"

"No, I think we'd better stick to the plan on the ranch."

The headed to the airport. Joe spotted a girlie! "Hey Elvis, check out that girlie!" Elvis kept on walking... but Joe stopped.

She looked over at him. Finally she said, "Hi, Joe."

"I see you know my name... what's yours?"

She blushed as she said, "Heather."

"You look upset... what's wrong."

"Well, I was planning to go to Boston this summer... but I didn't get to go. A friend of mine just got on a plane to go to New York... I was here to see her off... and it reminded me of the trip I didn't get to go on."

Joe couldn't help but like this girl... after all... she was a girlie. "Heather, I would love to get to know you... I'm leaving on a flight to Boston in a few... would you like to go with me?"

Heather couldn't help herself... she jumped for joy. "YES... Boston... Yes!!!"

Joe stood back and laughed at her.

"Wait... Joe, I'm not packed or anything!!!"

"Don't worry about that... we'll take care of that when we get there!"

Joe grabbed Heather's hand and started to run to search for Elvis... keepin Heather close behind him. When they finally caught up, he looked at Elvis... "I'm taking the girlie with me!"

Elvis rolled his eyes and whispered in Joe's ear, "You can't keep up with the girlies if you're dead."

Joe replied with a smirk, "Right now, I'm alive."

The three arrived in Boston. "Heather?.." Joe started, " would you like to stay at my house?... I guess you could stay at a hotel..."

"Is your house still haunted???"

"nah nah"

"Then I would love to stay at your house," She said with a smile.

Elvis nudged Joe. "What are you gonna do with her AFTER you are dead?"

"I'll worry about that LATER, Elvis"

They headed toward the parking lot to find Joe's car. Joe got into the drivers seat. Elvis started to get into the drivers seat, but Joe glared at him. "Get in back; Heather sits here!"

Elvis complained about not being as young as he used to be, "Oh my back."

Joe ignored him.

Joe thought he was being slick as he put his arm around Heather.

"Don't get too cozy up there!" Elvis shouted from the back. "You need to keep BOTH hands on the wheel."

Joe threw an empty Pepsi can at Elvis. "Shut up Elvis! I'm trying to talk to my girlie."

"Oh really?... so I'm your girlie now?"

"Yes, really." Joe laughed. "You sure are, Sweetie."

They got to Joe's house. Joe jumped out and ran around to get Heather's door.

"Thank you Joe"

"What about my door," Elvis grunted.

"Get it yourself," Joe replied.

Elvis glared. "Well, son, you better have some peanut butter and banana sandwiches." Elvis saw Paris on the lawn. "Son, let's go inside. I think I see a vicious dog about to attack us."

They went inside and Joe had an idea. "Heather I have an entire closet full of clothes other girlies have left here."

Heather didn't know what to say... but before she could say anything, there was a knock at the door. Heather finally said, "Joe, I'll just stay away from those other girls clothes."

Elvis bopped Joe on the back of the head. "Don't you know anything? Never give a girlie a past girlies things... it makes them feel bad."

Joe glared at Elvis and told him to shut up and go get the door. Elvis grunted as he did it.

It was Deb at the door. She looked at Elvis for a moment. "Hey, aren't you... nah nah... is Joe here?"

Joe came into the room. "Hi Deb."

Deb looked at Joe... then looked past him to see Heather. "I didn't know you had company... I can go."

"Nah... you're just the girl I need to see."

"I AM???????"

"SHE IS?????"

"Deb this is Heather... Heather this is Deb.... Deb would you take Heather shopping... I dragged her out of the airport without luggage."

"Sure."

Heather smiled... "I have my credit cards ready."

Meanwhile Elvis was fixing his sandwich. Deb looked over at him. "Who's that guy?"

"Oh, that's Elvis."

Elvis quickly said, "I'm an impersonator."

"You look like a good one."

"Thank you... thank you very much. I do a mean Heart Break Hotel... wanna see?"

"Sure," Deb replied.

"Not in my house," Joe responded.

Joe goes and gets one of his credit cards, but Heather insists on using her own cards... she doesn't wanna be a nuisance."

Deb grins as she gets the card from Joe.

Joe explains to Heather, "I want to do this for you, Love. It's my fault you couldn't pack."

Deb asks if she can borrow Joe's cars... she walked over. Joe looks at her weird. "You walked all the way from Braintree????"

"Well from the train."

Joe hands her the keys.

"Okay," Deb starts, "let's rock."

Joe stops her for a moment... "be careful with my car... I don't want it to smell like trout... like last time."

"Don't worry,... I won't put D in the car."

"You better NOT."

The two girls leave, and Joe can hear Deb peel out of the driveway... Joe's worried.

Elvis reminds Joe that he'll have to get a new car anyway... he can't keep the old one if he's dead.

Elvis looked at Joe. "Do you know how you wanna do it?"

"Yea... I'm going to get J pissed and have him chase me off the roof."

Elvis thinks for a moment.

"There's one thing though..." Joe said. " Can more than one person fake their deaths at a time?"

"uh... why?"

"Well... it's that girlie... I just gotta have a girlie.

Elvis thought for a moment. "you'd have to work that out with her... but I don't think the roof thing would work well like that."

The phone rings... it's Deb...

"You haven't reached the limit already have you???"

"No,... just tell them I can use it... and Oh... we found Donnie... he's shopping with us."

'You didn't put him in my car did you? Let me talk to him."

Joe decides to tell Donnie good bye.

"Gee, Joe... good-bye."

Joe continued..." it's been a hell of a good time knowin' you. We've been through alot, haven't we... I'm sorry I've got to end it like this..."

Donnie was worried. "Are you okay Joe??? Do you want me to come over??"

"Don't get mushy... I'm just going to end it... besides... it'll make album sales go up."

Donnie said, " I'm coming over!"

Joe hung up the phone...

He and Elvis decided the car crash would be the best idea. Then a white van pulled up... it was Jordan. Joe said, "I'm going to miss you sooooooooooooo much man... but it's gotta be this way."

Jordan finally said something. " Joe... what's with you. D said you were acting weird..."

"I'm going to end it all."

Elvis threw a pen (or a highlighter) at Joe. Jordan was confused.

"I'm an impersonator.... he's talking about a long vacation... that's all."

It all dawned on Joe..." yea me and this girlie are going on a trip..."

"What girlie?"

"She's shopping with Deb right now."

"Tell me all about her..."

"You can't have her... I'll kick your ass"

Jordan just smiled. "What's she like??? How long have you known her??? Can't I at least meet her???"

"Maybe... just back off Cujo."

Joe heard his car pull up... three doors opened... three doors closed.

"SHE LET DONNIE IN MY CAR!!!!!!!!"

Deb came in first... "Hey Jordan!" She walks over and gives him a hug.

Donnie held a tickle me elmo... it started to laugh.

"GET THE EVIL THING OUT!!!!!" Joe shouted several times. "It's laughing at me... get it out!!!"

Elvis grabbed the TME and put it in the freezer.

"Thank you Elvis... they just don't understand."

Joe looked down at the shopping bags... "I wanna see... I wanna see... go try on.... can I follow???"

Elvis bopped Joe on the back of the head.

Heather went upstairs to try on the clothes... but got lost.

Elvis whispered "anyone else you wanna say bye too?"

"Mom Dad Judy Alice Susan Tricia Carol Jean Kate Tommy Danny Jon... I think that pretty much covers it."

Joe decided to have a pool party... to say bye to everyone. He picked up the phone and started to call everyone one by one.

Deb went up stairs and brought Heather down. Joe looked up. "Wow, Heather, you look great. Um... could you wait a moment... I need to make this phone calls and then I need to speak to you alone."

Heather couldn't help but wonder what that boy was up to. Deb thought of the pool party and hinted to Heather she might want to go put on that new bathing suit.

Meanwhile Danny pulled into the driveway. When Joe saw him he rushed out the door. "Danny, I love you man... you've been a great friend..."

"Joe you're scaring me... you're beginning to sound like an old bear commercial."

They both started to go inside, but then Jon pulled up... Joe stayed out there to meet him.

Joe hugged Jon.

"Joe, did you wash your hands after you ate.... you're getting stains all over my shirt."

"There's a stain on it already, anyway."

Jon looked down... a coffee stain! He reached into the glove department and got out his stain stick.

"Well aren't you the regular boy scout."

"It pays to be prepared."

"I'll miss that about you Jon."

Jon was confused. "What?"

Joe got an idea and quickly led Jon inside... "I have something I want you to remember me by. " Joe went to go get the Austin Powers shirt. "And one more thing... think of me whenever you eat Macaroni.

Elvis in the other room gets the feeling that Joe is about to say something he shouldn't. So, Elvis goes in there and bops Joe on the back of the head then goes back to the other room.

Once everyone had arrived Joe gathered everyone into the living room. "You guys... all of you. I have something to say. I'm going away for a long time and I know you all will miss me... but don't cry too much, okay?"

"Don't worry about that Joe," Donnie said with a smirk.

"Where are you going," Danny asked

"With Elvis... on a trip... and I'm takin the girlie... um... I mean Heather with me... sorry about that Doll... but you understand right? I didn't mean to call you a girlie... it's just a nick name."

Heather just smiled.

Joe smiled back. " I knew you were a nice broad.... Well, everyone, enjoy the party."

Everyone headed out to the pool. Heather waited a moment. She needed to talk to Joe. Everyone else was outside... they were alone. "I'm going??? Where?"

" Sweetie, I'm gonna fake my own death... I'd like it if you came with me"

Heather was stunned. "Why are you doing this?"

" I just... I have to. You don't have to come with me, but you can talk to Elvis and then decide."

"Does that mean that really is Elvis????"

Joe smiled, "Yep... it's him."

" I wanna go and hang with my friends while I still can, okay?"

Heather headed over to talk to Elvis.

Meanwhile, when Joe finally made it out to the pool he noticed Kayla swiming where she wasn't supposed to be. " Kayla, I thought I told you to stay off the neighbor's property."

"Sorry, Uncle Joe."

Then Joe remembers something. He won't have to worry about this pool problem soon. "Okay... everyone... swim where you want!"

All of a sudden... Donnie pushed Joe into the pool. Jordan came up behind Donnie "Aww... that wasn't very nice, D." Then Jordan smiled as he pushed Donnie into the pool. Then Joe grabbed Jordan's ankles and pulled him in.

Susan looked over. "Awww, look, they're bonding."

Danny swam over to them and they all noticed Jon sitting by the pool with all his still in his normal clothes. Jordan went over to talk to Jon. "Why aren't you in the pool, Jon?"

Jon looked around him. "Um... gee...I think I might leave now"

Jordan decided to just throw Jon into the pool. SPLASH!!! Jon swam back up and pushed Jordan backwards. All the guys were laughing. All of the guys except Jon that is.

Meanwhile Elvis and Heather were eating jelly donuts and talking. Heather decided to go with Joe. Elvis told Heather to go and tell Joe. Heather came out of the house and waved at Joe. She gave him a thumbs up sign and mouthed the words "I'll go."

Joe smiled.

Deb was approaching Jordan... just about ready to attack, when Joe dunked her under the water. She wanted revenge so she grabbed for his trunks. Joe blushed. He couldn't believe it... she had stolen his trunks. Plus there was something else... "Um... Deb, ... my shorts weren't all you grabbed."

Deb blushed, but tossed the trunks out on the side of the pool.

Kay walked over and tossed them back to Joe and glared at Deb.

Jon decided to go home. "bye guys. I'm gonna leave now"

Joe looked over at Jon. "Do you have to?"

Jon looked back at him. "Yes, look what you guys did!!!" He pointed at his drenched clothes."

"I'm sorry Jon. Good bye... I'm really gonna miss you alot...I'm gonna miss beatin' your ass at golf."

Jon continued to complain. "My clothes are wet... my wallet is soaked..."

"I promise it will dry. Don't forget me!!!"

Jon walked out to his car. At that point Elvis walked by with a jelly donut. He looked at Jon, "want the rest?"

"No way! That's gross."

Elvis tripped... the donut went flying into the air. Jon screamed, "It's got me!!!!!" Jon took out the stain stick and threw it at Elvis. The stain stick hit Elvis in the head.

"Now son... I don't appreciate that."

Elvis makes a weird noise... he was going to use his Kung Fu... but Jon got in the car and took off.

Elvis walked over to the pool and bopped Joe on the back of the head. "It's 4PM."

Joe looked at everyone, "I gotta go now." He ran over to his Mom and Dad and brother and sisters and hugged each one.

He then turned to everyone, and waved."bye guys. I'll miss you all... it's been real"

Heather and Joe went in to pack and get ready. When they finished Elvis took the suitcases and left in Joe's car. "I'll be back here for you and the girl at 7PM.

Then Joe thought of something. He would need cash!!! He went downstairs and yelled for Danny to come in. (everyone else was still in the pool).

"Danny would you go cash this for me???"

Danny looked at it: WOW! Um... I guess I can... why would you need that much cash???"

"I just want it for my trip. Elvis took my car so I can't go get it myself. Um... Ice cream where I'm going is really expensive."

When Danny returned Jordan and Donnie looked at the obscene amount of cash and were shocked.

Joe just looked at them. "What???? It's for Ice Cream."

Donnie was just more confused. "Um, Joe, I know where you can get Ice Cream cheaper."

"Not like this stuff... its' worth a fortune."

Donnie decided to look in the freezer for ice cream. He found his Tickle Me Elmo.. only now it was saying, "brrrrrr... it's cold in here... *brrrrrrrrrr*"

Upstairs, Heather looked at the clock. It was 6:30. Joe and Heather paced the floors until 7:00 finally came.

Everyone else had gone home. Elvis pulled up with another car behind him. Joe and Heather got in the Range Rover and started to drive off. They pulled up close to Jon's house. Elvis got out and came over to talk to Joe. "You know what to do right?"

"Yea, I know."

Jon looked out of the window. He saw the two cars and then he saw them go separate ways. Jon was really confused... and a little upset. "Why did Joe come see me... but not come see me?"

Heather looked at Joe and was a little scared. "Be careful Joe."

Elvis pulled his white van up by Jon's llamas. Elvis got out and gave both of them a jelly donut. Now Jon was really mad, but the llamas seem to enjoy the donuts. Jon walked outside. "That is not proper llama food at all."

Elvis saw him and the van sped away. "That's what my former son-in-law fed his llamas, " Elvis said to himself as he left.

Jon picked up his cell phone and called Joe's cell phone.

"Hello."

"Joe, Elvis just fed my llamas Jelly donuts!!!"

"Cool."

" Cool?!?!? It's awful!"

"I bet they really liked that after all that disgusting llama food"

"Joe, I wanna talk to this Elvis person."

"um... nah... he's not here right now."

"Hey... what's up with this?"

"With what?"

"I see two cars in front of my house... You're in one... Elvis in the white van... Then you drive separate ways... But you both come to my house... but don't come in.

"um... we had to talk about some last minute plans... your driveway seemed good as any to talk in"

"And, ya know, you've been acting really weird today, Joe... Like something is wrong."

" nah... I'm just gonna be gone for a hell of a long time... longer than touring."

"Well, then why don't you come over to the house since you're already here? You could help me fold towels."

Heather reached over and bopped Jon on the back of the head..."Elvis told me to do that if you started giving to much info out"

"um... I gotta go... gotta get somewhere... I'm going now Jon."

"Alright... well then, I guess I'll talk to you when you get back. Bye."

A tear almost crept into Joe's eyes, but he didn't turn back. They both hung up.

Heather looked at Joe as they approached a cliff on Jon's property. " Joe, Hon,... where is the designated spot???"

"Right..................................HERE!!!"

Joe stopped the car and they both got out and got in the white van. Almost immediately, a group of men run out from behind some bushes and the car goes off the cliff... blowing up into a million pieces.

"Am I dead now?"

"Yep, both of you are."

"Now what?"

"We go back to Memphis, that where all of the dead people are. There we will get you a place to live and anything else you need."

Jon had heard the noise and he ran out to see what happened. All he saw were pieces of the Range Rover... burning.

"Can I go to my own funeral???"

Elvis and Heather both look at Joe weird.

"OH! But I REALLY want to!"

"NO WAY!"

Joe begged Elvis to at least let him watch the news and see if there was any news about any of this. Elvis handed him a portable TV.

****"THIS JUST IN....Our top story today. "Former New Kid On The Block, Joe McIntyre was killed today in a car accident."

Heather looked at the TV, "What am I chopped liver???"

The reporter continue, " he apparently drove of a cliff at fellow NK Jonathan Knight's house.... Also, in the car, which crashed and burned, was a girl named Heather... no word on a last name as of yet. We managed to get interviews with the other former members of New Kids On The Block ... the family had no comment."

" First we have former New Kid Danny Wood"

*[switch to interview]*

" I guess his car went nuts on him today... my car is too smart for that... Joe's car has always been a little nuts though..."

"So you think it was the car's fault... like the car did it on purpose?"

" I told him to get a new one... but he didn't listen... *sob* ... Yes,... it was the car."

[switch to Donnie interview]

" I think it was the ice cream... he was going nuts over ice cream... too much sugar. He acted like something was up... but... I dunno... I still think it was the ice cream."

"You say something was up... could you explain?"

" I mean, he just had too much of it... and lost control. Unfortunately, it was in the car and near the cliff... Um... well, he said that he'd miss me and he was planning a long trip ...Then there was that Elvis impersonator staying at his house."

"Do you know where he was going??"

"I think he paid Elvis to get him the ice cream... and no, he never said where he was going."

" Don't eat ice cream and drive."

[switch to Jonathan interview]

"ELVIS MADE HIM DO IT!!! ELVIS EVEN TRIED TO POISON MY LLAMAS... ELVIS MADE HIM DO IT... HE FED MY LLAMAS JELLY DONUTS... AND HE MADE JOE DO IT... JOE DIDN'T WANT TO... ELVIS MADE HIM DO IT... I'M TELLING YOU... ELVIS MADE HIM...

[Switch to Jordan interview]

"I don't know what to think.... He... he might have done it on purpose, He was with that girlie too... and Elvis... I mean... he even let us swim on his neighbors property and he was just... really nice today... and now my brother has gone crazy.. what will happen next... I don't know why he would have done it on purpose... but... "

"So you believe it was suicide???"

"I dunno... if it was.. he took the girlie down with him... I need to think about this a little more."

The reporter came back on the screen. "And there you have it... the opinions of the former New Kids On The Block... In other news... be on the look out for Jonathan... his brother called a white van for him... and when it approached he screamed "It's Elvis" and took off.... Jon is wearing an Austin Powers shirt and we are told he has started eating Mac and Cheese non stop... look out."

**** News Over****

Joe was upset. "Poor Jon. What can I do to help him."

"Now son... You don't worry about that no more. You can't do anything... you're dead. Remember?"

Joe frowned, "I guess I should just sit here and think dead thoughts"

Elvis smiled, "That's the spirit!"

"They arrived in Memphis, and went back to Graceland. Elvis showed them their room for the night."

Once Heather and Joe are alone, Joe starts feeling really bad about all of this.

"I feel really bad about what I've caused... "

"Ya know... you don't HAVE to be dead"

"How can I not be dead?"

"Well, we could say that it was all a cover up...an evil Elvis impersonator kidnapped you and I... and made it look like we were dead."

"Yeah... that would work! Then no one would be mad at me and Jon will be okay again! Okay, we'll stay here tonight and then tomorrow we'll go back... I want to show up at my funeral.... Um.. I mean... OUR funeral"

***at funeral***

Everyone was standing around and crying. Jon came in with Macaroni and Cheese all over him... he was a mess... and he was STILL wearing that Austin Powers shirt. Jordan kept crying and murmuring... "Why did he do it." Danny put keys to a new car on top of the casket, and Donnie was wearing a shirt that said "Ice Cream Sucks"

Joe and Heather crept up behind Jon. Joe put his hand on Jon's shoulder. "Hey Jon. How are the llamas?"

Jon jumped up and shrieked!!! Everyone turned around to see what had happened.

Everyone rushed over to Joe. Donnie took out a marker and crossed out the word "sucks" and replaced it with the word "rules."

"I'm sorry about all this mess everyone... You see... Elvis kidnapped us... HE MADE it look like we were dead... but... we're okay now.... Sooooo how are those album sales???"

"They are at an all time high... Dick called and told us that they had been steadily going up long before any of this happened."

A search was conducted over the entire nation in search of this evil Elvis... but he was never found.

THE END