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A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied " I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh".
"No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax".
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh".
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you"!
One day there was a flood in a small town and there was this very religious woman whose house was being flooded.
As the flood waters were rising to her windows, a man came by in a rowboat and offered her a ride to get her out of there. The woman politely refused, saying "The Lord will provide".
Well, the flood raged on and now it had risen to the woman's roof, so that she had to sit on the roof to stay above water. Another man came by, this time in a motorboat, and said "I can get you out of here, just hop in the boat". Again, the woman reufused, saying "The Lord will provide".
Now the flood had risen so far that the woman had to perch on the chimneytop of her house to stay above water. A Red Cross rescue team came by in a launch and shouted to her "Don't worry, lady, we'll get you out of here, just hang on." But the woman was adamant, she told them "No, the Lord will provide."
Well, guess what, the woman drowned. As she entered into heaven, she was all wet and straggly and really, really angry. She demanded to be taken to God Himself immediately. So, she was taken to the Lord's chamber, and when she went in clenching her fists and exclaimed "What happened, you were supposed to provide ?!"
The Lord, taken aback, said "Lady, I sent you three boats !!"
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.
The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip my six inches of heaven into you?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row."
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
The officer says, "Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
So the officer says, "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
He says, "I'm sorry, I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?" says the officer.
He replies: "Because I'm drunk."
A farmer named Joe decided that his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her... So how are YOU feeling?"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
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