Funny Jokes

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and finds a cork up his ass! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing.

"....On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...".

The guy really freaks out. He shoves the cork back in, runs and gets the M.E., and drags him back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again.

"...On the road again..."

The M.E. is totally unimpressed. "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the would-be proctologist asks.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.E. "Any asshole can sing country music."

Archaeology -- "This is where the Mayans got Fucked up.

Physics -- "The bigger it is, the more you get Fucked up when it hits you." (or) "For every Fuck up, there is an equal and opposite Fuck up.

International Affairs -- "Let's Fuck those people up!"

Chemistry -- "Let's find new ways to Fuck people up."

Biology -- "Have you seen Whales Fuck? It is Fucked up!"

Sociology -- "And this is why we are all so Fucked up."

Anthropology -- "We inherited our fucked-upness from the monkeys."

Gender Studies -- "A male dominant society is what Fucked us up."

Philosophy -- "What does it mean to be Fucked up?"

Education -- "Class...can you say 'Fucked Up?'"

Economics -- "We can only Fuck up so much before we run out of funding."

Communications -- "This is a Docu-drama about me being Fucked up."

Art -- "I was _seriously_ Fucked up when I drew this"

Theatre -- "The blocking on this scene is All Fucked up." (or) "To Fuck or Not to Fuck...that is the Question."

Phys Ed -- "Coach, were getting Fucked up out there!"

Foreign Language -- "There are a lot of ways to say how Fucked up this is."

Music -- "Ever heard Stravinsky's 'The Rite of Spring'? Damn it's Fucked up!"

Computer Science -- "That's not a Fuck up, it's a feature."

History -- "So that's how we got so Fucked up."

Religion -- "If you are Fucked up, it is because you have sinned." (or) "God is watching, so don't Fuck up!"

Political Science -- "Forget Fucked up! Let's Fuck Them Over!"

English -- "Up was the direction in which I was Fucked."

Math -- "This just doesn't Fucking add up!"

Engineering -- "Oh great...NOW what has Fucked up?"

Pre-Law -- "Did you know it was illegal to get Fucked up in Georgia?"

Pre-Med -- "I have to spend how many Fucking years here!?"

Psychology -- "Man! You are REALLY FUCKED UP!"

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears.

Top 10 Reasons Why Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trek Universe:

10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."

9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp--the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable--after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7) One word: lightsabers.

6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective with one glance.

5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is Class M or not.

4) Luke Skywalker not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

1) Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

Top 10 reasons why Star Trek characters would kick butt in the Star Wars universe:

10) Lasers? LASERS? We got phasers, buddy.

9) Light speed? How bout warp 9?

8) What star wars character is lusted after on usenet? (alt.sex.bald.captains)

7) One letter: Q.

6) Irrelevant. Vader will be assimilated.

5) Star Trek shields are impervious to lasers.

4) The bad guys on Star Trek don't all have annoying British accents.

3) The ugliest character on Star Wars was Jabba. Star Trek's got the Horta. Failing that, it's always got Troi after being dissed by Riker.

2) Three words: "Make it so."

1) One word: "Engage."

Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Bert is in hospital after a really serious car accident. Because of his horrific injuries he has to have his eye replaced by a Wooden Eye.

He feels really quite concious about this wooden eye, and has to endure much torment and ridicule whenever he goes out.

He decides then to join a club for disfigured people. Bert goes to his new club one night, and quickly starts chatting to a pretty blonde - Sharon, she was perfect in everyyway, except for her mouth which, instead of being horizontally placed - was vertical - This obviously looked rather odd, but afterall it was a club for disfigured people.

After quite a few drinks they make their way back to his gaff - where they indulge in some serious heavy petting. :

Bert: "Do you fancy moving into the bedroom?"

Sharon: "Wouldn't I?!?!?"

Bert: "Don't call me Wooden Eye, Cunt Face !!!"

A man took his young son to the bank with him to transact some business. Since it was lunchtime, there were a lot of people waiting their turn in the cattle chutes. They took their place in line directly behind a woman who was the epitome of corporate fashion. She was wearing a designer executive business suit, and carrying an expensive leather brief case with a matching shoulder bag that had a pager clipped to it.

After several minutes in line, the boy remarked: "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen!"

The father said: "Sshh. You shouldn't talk about people like that. You will hurt their feelings."

After several more minutes, the boy again remarked: "Dad, that woman has the biggest butt I have ever seen!"

The father said: " I said not to talk about people like that. Just be quiet and it will be our turn shortly."

Just as he finished speaking, the woman's pager went off. beep .. beep .. beep .. beep...

The son said: "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers on his hand like a telephone. The bartender walks over and tells him that it's a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying my cell phone."

The bartender says, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and gives his hand to the bartender who talks into the hand and carries on a conversation and then hangs up.

"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I'd have never believed it!"

"Yeah," says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender points to door in the corner. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst, given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes in and finds the guy with his pants off, spread-eagle up against the wall, and a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my God! Did they rob you? How much did they get?" The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm just waiting for a fax!"

Bill Clinton and the Pope died, somehow there was a mix-up, Bill went to Heaven and the Pope to Hell. The Pope talked to Satan and explained the situation and a proper swap was arranged.

During the swap Bill and the Pope passed. The Pope said he was so excited -- he would finally get to see the Virgin Mary. Bill, glanced at his watch and said, I'm afraid you are about 5 minutes late.

Jim-Bob was walking around the animal stock yard with his three-legged pig. The Pig had a wooden leg. A man walked up to him and said "Thats a fine looking pig you have, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

Jim-Bob replied "Well, one day I was working in the field on my tractor and it turned over and pinned me down, this pig lifted the tractor with his snout and pulled me out.

The man said "Thats amazing, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

Jim-Bob said "Well, one day while fishing, I fell into a freezing river, and this pig swam in and pulled me out".

The man said unbelievable, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

Jim-Bob said "Well, one day I was painting the house and fell off the ladder and knocked myself out, this pig pulled me in the house and called 911."

The man said "I understand the pig saved your life three times, but WHY DOES HE HAVE A WOODEN LEG?"

Jim-Bob said "Well, with a pig like this, you dont want to eat him all at once."

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