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At midnight one middle age man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train car he noticed that the car was almost empty except a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible. The man came and sat near by her hoping to get some companionship during the long ride.
However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept on reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word. Half an hour went by slowly and silently make the man more and more anxious to start conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turned around and said:
Nun : Dear sir, do you believe in god?
Man : Yes, I do.
Nun : Have you read the bible ? You know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap. perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157.
The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the east coast. Next day, people found out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lied open on page 157. the line 23 read:
"Heaven is a little bit higher."
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? what do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another woman." St . Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while your in heaven."
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I chased every bit of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW bug over there is yours to use while your in heaven. The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad? You are in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!"
The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was riding a bicycle!"
There were two tall trees standing in the forest and one day they noticed a sapling growing between them. One tree asked the other..."Is that small tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other tree looked down upon the small tree and studied it carefully, but he couldn't decide if it was a son of a beech or a son of a birch.
A woodpecker flew up as this debate was going on and the trees thought that since the woodpecker was such a "tree expert", surely he could figure out what kind of tree this little sapling was.
So the trees said to the woodpecker, "We are having trouble deciding if that young tree between us is a son of a beech or a son of a birch...can you tell us which it is?"
The woodpecker then flies down to the little tree and starts pecking on its trunk. After a few minutes he flies back up to the tall tree and says..."That little tree, my tall friends, is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That little tree is the best piece of ash I have ever stuck my pecker into!"
15> Tickets to Jerry Springer, for topic "Moms With Big Asses"
14> "It's a vacuum cleaner! It's a riding mower! And when the chores are done, it's a marital aid!"
13> Blind date with Jack Kevorkian
12> "Laxatives-Of-The-World" gift set
11> Coupon for a "Moms Kick Ass!" tattoo
10> Stepdad's head in a box, regardless of how beautifully it's wrapped
9> The dead bird you brought home in your mouth and tenderly laid at her feet
8> Too bad she learned of the operation on national TV, but now she's got the daughter she always wanted!
7> That handprint in plaster kind of loses it's magic when you're thirty.
6> From the makers of Spam: Spigeon
5> Al Franken's new book, "Oedipus Rex Is A Big Fat Idiot"
4> The "Learn To Cook Before You Kill Us All!" Cookbook
3> Pee-Wee Herman lotion dispenser
2> Leather bound copy of "The Wisdom of Lizzie Borden"
and the Number 1 Unappreciated Mother's Day Gift...
1> Hallmark Snoop Doggy Dogg card: "Mother -- Half of my favorite word in the English language!"
A man and his wife went to the big city hotel. After checking out the free shampoo and stuff in the drawers, they read the classy magazine that comes free in the room. There was an ad for an escort service.
I wonder how much they cost, asked the wife. Hubby answered: I think it's about $100 for the night. No way, responded the wife. That's outrageous. Must be less than that.
"Let's find out", he asked. "I'll call one of the escort service women to the room. You hide in the closet. I'll ask her how much and when she tells me, I'll say that I'm only prepared to pay $10. Then she'll leave, and we'll know the answer to your question."
He called the escort service. The buzzer to their room rang, wife hid in the closet, and tall beautiful woman appeared at the door. After exchanging a few pleasantries, they got down to business: "How much?" he asked.
"It's $100 per night she replied."
"Oh, I'm sorry", he said. "I was only prepared to pay $10. Thanks anyway."
The escort service woman turned and left in a huff.
The question settled, the husband and wife retreated to the hotel restaurant. Coincidentally, the call girl was at the bar in the restaurant and saw them.
She slinked over to them, bent down, and whispered in the man's ear: "See what you get for $10!"
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help" he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, July 11th, 1997.
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