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This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says "What the heck, I really want a drink".
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer What's the name of your penis?".
The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink".
The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer says "Alright, what's the name of your penis?".
The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT".
The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is SECRET".
The waiter says "SECRET?".
The customer says "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".
A little boy runs into the kitchen, crying.
His mother asks, "Johnny, why are you crying?"
Johnny cries, "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!"
His mother says, "You shouldn't cry because of that. You should *laugh*!"
Johnny breaks out in tears anew and says, "But I *did*!"
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this.
He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When that asshole comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Nite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub nite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: A "don't remind me again" button. Minimize button. Ability to delete the "headache" file. An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss of other system resources. An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
*******VIRUS ALERT*******
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an insufficient resources "error message.
To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and "never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two young blonde 18 year old girls. Both of them, Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, November 7th, 1997.
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