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A police officer pulls over a blonde for speeding. He asks to see her driver's license. She's looking through her bag, but can't find it. He suggests she look in her wallet and there she finds it. He then asks to see her insurance card and registration. She's looking through her wallet, but can't find it. He suggests looking in the glove box and there she finds it. As she turns around she sees that the officer has dropped his pants and exposed himself. She exclaims...
"Oh No! Not another breathalyzer test!"
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses do not know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies,
"I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
The architect and the artist reply: "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done!"
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving a blow job from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
This man and woman are out on their first date and they go for a drive in the country. All of a sudden, the car gets a flat tire. The man looks outside and sees no lights. Knowing that nobody will come by for a while (if at all), the man goes out to change the tire. After about 5 minutes, he comes back into the car and shoves his hands between the woman's thighs. "What are you doing?", she asked. "It's cold outside and my hands are numb. If I don't warm them up, I won't be able to change the tire," he responded. She decided that it was ok since it was for the greater good. He went outside again and after 5 more minutes, came in and shoved his hands between her thighs again. During the time he was warming his hands, they talked about themselves.
The man kept this up for about 25 minutes: going outside for 5 minutes, coming inside and warming his hands for 5 minutes, going outside again. The woman started to become sexually aroused from all the times he had his hands between her thighs.
The next time he came in and shoved his hands between her thighs she looked at him and said, "You have been out there for about 30 minutes and I was wondering. Are your ears cold?"
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis .....fifty times."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at
Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, January 14th, 1997.
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