Funny Jokes

There were some construction workers building a skyscraper and were up in the air about 40 stories. The new guy on the job says to another guy, "What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom?" The other guy says, "You let one of us know. We put this ten-foot plank out over the beam and one guy stands on the board at the beam while you go stand on the end to go to the bathroom." The new guy says, "But doesn't the piss land on the people on the ground?" "No. It'll evaporate before it gets that far. Trust me."

A few hours go by and the new worker just couldn't hold it any longer. Finally he goes up to his foreman and tells him that he's gotta' take a leak. The foreman says, "No problem. I'll stand on the board for you." So the foreman gets the guy all set up. The new guy is taking his leak when the phone rings. The foreman runs over to answer the phone, and the new worker falls down, splat as he hits the ground. A policeman comes to the scene and starts asking questions. He asks one of the guys on the work site, "Do you have any idea what happened?"

"Well officer, I think it was sexually related."

The officer says, "Why do you think that?"

"Well, as he was falling past the fifth floor on his way down, he had his dick in one hand yelling, 'Where'd that cocksucker go?'!"

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered - not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom - and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"

There's this guy a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did that poor chicken do?"

There was a cowboy riding through deep snow one cold winter night. Exhausted, he spotted a small old farmhouse and a dilapidated barn in the distance. After tying up his mare, he went to the door of the house and asked if he could bunk there for the night.

"Sure," said the farmer, I have a spare bunk in the pantry you can sleep on." The cowboy smiled and thanked the man, then asked if his mare could be put in the barn since it was so cold. "That's O.K. by me." said the farmer, "But I have an old stallion out there, and he's pretty randy!" "That won't be a problem." said the cowboy, "I'll just put a sheet on her when I bed her down."

The cowboy put his mare in the stall next to the stallion and adjusted the sheet, then went to the house for some much needed rest.

The next morning when the cowpoke went out to feed the horse, he found the barn door ripped from its hinges and the wall between the 2 stalls destroyed. The stallion was standing in the corner of his stall looking very satisfied with himself, but there was no sign of the mare.

Disgusted, the cowboy headed off in the snow, following his horses tracks. In time, he came across an old man mending fence. "S’cuse me sir, have you seen a mare go by here wearin a sheet?"

The old man tipped up his Stetson with his thumb and said, Ain’t seen no horse with a sheet, but I did see a mare run by with a crazed look in her eye and a handkerchief hangin outta her ass!!"

15> Wet willies from two tables away!

14> Almost guaranteed to be Madonna's sole boyfriend for at least a week or two.

13> Now can carry *two* dozen donuts while juggling.

12> Much easier to clean behind the refrigerator.

11> You can finally do that 3-puppet show without getting arrested.

10> Two-handed typing during cybersex!

9> Interested in Anna Nicole Smith but you're 18, healthy and poor? Not a problem anymore!

8> You'd be a shoe-in for Hollywood "Lizard Boy" roles.

7> For once, it'll be the dog's turn to look at you with envy.

6> You'd need Mick Jagger's lips & John Elway's teeth to stay in proportion.

5> When picking nose, can "cut out the middle man."

4> Tie a cherry stem with your tongue? Hell, gobble a handful and weave a friggin' picnic basket!

3> Increased number of taste buds finally allows one to discern between Kool-Aid flavors.

2> Your previously-neglected navel would suddenly be your second cleanest body part.

and the Number 1 Way Your Life Would Change if Your Tongue Were 2 Feet Long...

1> The counselor at Oversized Features Anonymous shows interest in you, but you can't help but question her motives.

St. Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the pit and called to the Devil. The Devil swaggers up out of the pit and says, "Yo man, what do you want?"

St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it."

The Devil retorted, "Geez, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone to spare for the job right now."

St. Peter got angry. "Look we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate."

The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available for this."

St. Peter turned red and exclaimed, "Ok, if that's the way you want it, then we'll sue."

A big grin broke out on the Devil's face. "Oh yeah, and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. All bloody and tired, he finally gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later?" "I don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the fucking bastard that pushed me in!!!"

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?"

The voice replied, "NO, YOU STUPID IDIOT, I OWN THE GODDAMN ICE-RINK!"

This new gynecologist straight from John Hopkins University in Maryland decides that one day he is going to have sex with one of his patients (who could blame him, he has the best job in the world for a guy).

Well anyway, he has this fine-looking blonde come into the clinic one day. He tells her to take of her clothes and all the usual stuff. He starts feeling her breasts and asks: "Do you know what I'm doing?"

The woman replies, "Yes, you're checking for lumps in my breasts."

Next he starts to massage her ass and again he asks: "Do you know what I'm doing?"

She replies, "Yes, you're checking the cervical glands in my ass to prevent hemmarhoids."

Then he decides to take it to the final step, he pulls down his pants and underwear, and inserts his penis in her vagina, and asks: "Do you know what I'm doing?"

She replies, "Yes, you're getting herpes and gonnorhea you dumb fuck!"

This city slicker goes to visit his cousins in South Alabama. They have no plumbing. He goes out to the outhouse one morning, but there is already someone on it. He apologizes and starts to walk away when all of a sudden the other guy says, "It's okay, this is 2-holer. Come on in and set a spell."

So he goes in and sits. The other guy finishes and gets up. As he pulls up his pants, some change falls in the hole. He says, "Doggone it!!!!"

He reaches for his wallet, and drops a 10-dollar-bill into the hole. The city slicker asks, "What the hell did you do that for?!?!"

The hick says, "Well, I'm not going in there just for 35 cents!"

Please View My Guestbook

After reading my guestbook, don't you feel a bit left out? C'mon, sign my guestbook, and give me some feedback concerning my homepage!

Please

Sign My Guestbook

View my guestbook first before signing it to see what to type.

For those of you using non-graphic web-browsers (such as Lynx), click

HERE

to sign my guestbook.

Sign my guestbook and receive a treat from me every Monday by e-mail!

Copyright @ 1997 Robokev Inc. All Rights Reserved