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An American man with a bad knee got on a bus in Europe. The only seat left was a lady sitting with her poodle on the next seat. He asked her to move the dog but she said no. The bus went over a couple of bumps and he asked her again to move the dog.
Again she said no.
A few miles down the road, he could hardly stand, and he again asked her to move the dog.
Finally, he could stand it no more and he threw the dog out of the window.
An Englishmen, who had been watching the entire situation said: "You Americans do everything wrong! You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong utensils...and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down when a guy asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
7.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
9.) After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
10.)A friend once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?"
She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it I probably wasn't born yet."
11.)A friend and I were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said "What are you looking at?"
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F, and sometimes Wednesday too."
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course
Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book
Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler"
Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg. Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.
Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said Levi's.
15> You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.
14> Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13> Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12> Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11> For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10> Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9> For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the *car*.
8> You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7> Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6> Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5> Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"
4> The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3> Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2> Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend...
1> You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
A man goes into a bar with an octopus and orders two beers. The bartender, being exceptionally lazy, refuses to dirty two glasses for one customer.
The man states "The second one's not for me, it's for my pet octopus here."
The bartender, having already spent too much time with the man draws another beer and slams it on the bar. The octopus whipped it up and downed it in one gulp! The bartender was flabbergasted!
"Oh that's nothin'" said the man, "He can play any musical instrument."
"I don't believe it!" replied the bartender.
"I'll bet you a hundred bucks that he can play any musical instrument you can provide," challenged the man.
"Easy money," thought the bartender as he laid a hundred dollars on the bar next to the man's hundred. "Octopuses are wet and slimy," to the man he said "I'll bet he can't play an electric guitar."
The man took the octopus to the stage and handed it an electric guitar, the octopus played like Jimmy Hendrix. "You got me! said the bartender, "You set me up knowing how I'd think, you have to give me a second chance."
"O.K." replied the man "Double or nothin'"
"Octopi have only eight tentacles," reasoned the bartender to himself, "It takes ten fingers to play a piano and the slimy sucker has to use two or three tentacles just to sit up,". Then, to the man he said, "I'll bet he can't play a piano."
The man placed the pet octopus on the piano bench and he played like Elton John in Carnegie Hall.
The bartender started getting angry, he'd lost his pay and some money from the cash register, his old lady would be mad!. He thought desperately and finally said to the man, "I've got an instrument I know he can't play but you'll have to watch the bar for me". The man agreed.
The bartender went to his old uncle's house and rummaged in the attic for half an hour before returning to the bar. He flew through the door, rushed up to the bar and slammed some old dusty bagpipes on the bar.
No sooner had the pipes hit the surface of the bar, than the octopus leaped on them and started rolling all over the room, knocking chairs and tables and drinks all over, but not making a single note.
"Ha! Ha!" laughed the bartender as he started raking in the money on the bar.
"Hold on a minute, " said the man, "When he finds out he can't screw it, he'll play it."
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
He says, "What's that for this time?"
She answered, "Your horse called."
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there's something he could help her with.
She says: "I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!"
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00? For a fuckin' frog? Get out of here!" said the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the strange gift frog, and they're both happy. When night comes, the woman goes to bed.
Around 2 o'clock in the morning, she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here bitch!!!"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, August 29th, 1997.
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