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So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with
11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on
your face was your mother
Now don't you feel better???
Recently, President Clinton and Boris Yeltsin had a conference on the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases in their countries. Yeltsin asked Clinton how he and his administration are attempting to stop the spread of AIDS.
"We promote abstinence in the United States," Clinton told him.
"That would never work in Russia," Yeltsin replied. "People are going to have sex, and the government can't do or say anything to stop that. I want to promote the use of condoms in my country. The problem is, we don't have any good condom companies in Russia."
"Well, in the US we have many condom companies, and one of the best is Trojan," Clinton told him. "Let me give the president of the company a call. I'll ask him to send some condoms to you, so you can distribute them in your country. How many do you want?"
"We'd probably need about 5 million or so to start," Yeltsin replied.
"Okay. That should be no problem." Clinton thought for a second, then asked, "You will probably want a variety of sizes, right?"
"No," said Yeltsin. "All of the condoms should be the regulation 8 inches long and 2 inches wide."
"8 inches long!? 2 inches wide!?" thought Clinton, but he said only, "That should be no problem, Boris."
Mr. Yeltsin thanked the president, and they parted ways.
When Clinton got back to the Oval Office, he called the president of the Trojan Condom Company. "I need a favor from you, Peter," said Clinton. "I need you to send about 5 million condoms to Boris Yeltsin in Russia. The condoms must be 8 inches long and 2 inches wide. On each condom, I want you to write 'MADE IN USA' on one side, and 'SIZE - SMALL' on the other."
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.
The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."
10. "Reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
3. "It's cool whip time!"
2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
And the number one thing that sounds dirty at thanksgiving but isn't...
1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a big circle and a small circle and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles like him, a big one and a small one, and told them the small circle is your asshole before prison and the big circle is your asshole after prison."
The driver whose truck was loaded with tonnes of Coca-cola was driving up the mountain to make a final delivery to a remote town. The rain was coming hard and made the road muddy and risky to drive.
Damn! The truck broke down and he had no idea what to do. So he decided to get some help. So he was looking around and searching for a help. About a mile away, he could see a house and walked towards it. But the night was coming.
He finally got to the door and knocked it. An old man came to answer the door. "Yes?" he said. The driver said, "My truck broke down about a mile away from here and I would like to know where I could get some help from." The old man replied, "The closest place you can go to is about 40 miles away." And continued, "Why don't you stay for the night and get some help tomorrow?"
The driver thought, "What a nice old man!" So the driver made a phone call to a towing company and to his boss telling them what happened.
After the dinner, his daughter came back from her friend's place. the old man's face became uncomfortable. He turned around and said to the daughter, "Cindy, I thought you would be back by tomorrow."
"So did I but Jenny was got sick and I decided to come home, I think they need you, Daddy." The old man was a doctor in the area.
"Look young man, I think I have to trust you on this matter. Do not touch my daughter. Otherwise you'll be dead!" The driver was speechless, but GOD she was beautiful.
The old man left the house to go and help Jenny. Cindy went to sleep in her room and the driver went to sleep in the guestroom. He tossed and turned about 3 hours. He could not stop thinking sbout her. So he decided to go in her room and have sex with her.
He sneaked into her room and did the dirty deed. He found out that she was a virgin! They were both enjoying themselves but Cindy was in pain. Her vagina started bleeding, and he started to get worried. He was thinking and thinking and ,finally, got an idea.
He ran to the truck and brought a bottle cap and he inserted the bottle cap into her pussy and blocked the bleeding. The bleeding stopped and he was so happy that she was OK.
The next day he left ASAP! He was safe.
Two weeks later, a Pepsi-cola delivery man driving the truck up the mountain. And what a coincidence, the same thing happened to him too! But this time when he tried to fuck her, his penis could not get in deep enough! And he felt a little pain as well. So he ran back to the truck and came back with a flashlight in order to look inside pussy.
He found out the it was blocked with a Coca-cola cap! And then he said, "My God, these Coca-Cola people advertise EVERYWHERE!"
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if your willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
On a smalltown road, a very expensive Mercedes runs into a little Volkswagen Beetle.
The Mercedes's owner, a rich businessman from Washington D.C., starts to yell at the poor farmer who drove the Volkswagen, because of the damage that has been inflicted on his brand new Mercedes.
"Relax, take it easy, the farmer says, we'll check the damage later. More important is that we got through this thing alive. Do you know how we celebrate a thing of fortune in this town ? with a few sips of real French Cognac!".
The farmer reaches into his pocket, pulls out a little flat flask and hands it to the bussinesman. The man screws off the top immediately and takes a few gulps from the flask, then he looks at the farmer and says,"Well, aren't you gonna have any ????". Then the farmer replies,
"No, I think I'll wait until the cops show up...."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at
Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, January 24th, 1997.
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