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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her head.
The boyfriend yells: "No, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies: "Shut up asshole, you're next."
Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!"
Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
Yo momma ain't so bad... she would give you the hair off of her back!
Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo momma twice the man you are.
Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more."
Yo momma grouchy, the McDonald's she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
Yo momma was in church with a T-shirt on that said "WHO FARTED?"
Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS SHIT."
Yo momma threw a frizbee three weeks ago that hasn't landed yet.
Yo momma can wrestle a cow to the ground.
Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!
You were born out of your mother's fat ass 'cause her cunt was too busy.
I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
I seen your mother downtown scrapping with a pigeon for a peanut.
Yo momma so skanky she calls herself a nasty bitch.
One Sunday afternoon, three preachers were out on the lake fishing.
One said, "Since we're all out here alone, with God, why don't we admit our worst sins."
The others agreed, so the first begins:" I have a terrible craving for alcohol. Every Sunday, I can't wait to get out of services to have a drink."
The next admitted, " I have a terrible downfall: women. Every Sunday, I can't wait to get out of services to meet a woman."
The third preacher sat there grinning. The others said, "Now, we told our sins. You have to tell yours."
Still smiling, he said, "Well, my greatest sin is gossip, and I just can't wait to get out of this boat."
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
She replies, "No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, we're unionized."
He asks, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
She says, "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
1. Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
2. Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood... good thing he didn't say two!
3. Evander after the fight, "Maybe I shouldn't have told him to 'Bite Me'"
4. Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
5. For the third fight between Mike and Evander,Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
6. New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
7. They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"
8. Can't beat 'um... Eat 'um!!!!
9. If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
10. In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
11. Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfield. Oops, bad advice.
10. The Third Gogh Around
9. Dahmer v. Psalmer
8. The Last Supper
7. Ear-Reconciable Differences
6. Grazing Bull
5. You Wanna Piece of Me?
4. Blood, Sweat, and Ears
3. No Lobe Lost
2. Bite of the Century
AND NO. 1 IS...
1. Because You Are Dumb Enough to Pay For It
10. Got a little carried away after seeing the film "Face/Off."
9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos."
8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters.
7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith.
5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy
4. Ears is tasty.
3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me"
2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring."
And the #1 excuse is:
1. He ran out of gum.
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, August 29th, 1997.
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