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16> Your movie is a documentary, titled, "Washed Up Lame-O's: The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences."
15> Nudity? Yes! Estelle Getty? Yes!
14> Your movie features any of the following: a monkey in children's clothing, an annoyingly cute child actor, or Sinbad.
13> In retrospect, maybe casting Jean Claude Van Damme as Thomas Jefferson really *was* a bad idea.
12> Your movie's title: "Dennis Rodman's Private Parts."
11> Your name rhymes with "Piano Weaves" or "Wally Store."
10> The last time you and the Academy president, Jack Valente, went out cruising for babes, you forgot yourself and made fun of his cheeks.
9> The title "Oral-Lovin' Amateurs" somehow lacks that "epic" feel the academy loves.
8> Your name is Tori and daddy said you're not getting one until you're thirty.
7> Your personal psychic predicts the only Oscar she sees in your future is on a hot dog bun.
6> With the liberal establishment controlling Hollywood, your Documentary, "McVeigh: Modern American Patriot" never had a chance.
5> The NY Times review of your film contained the words, "putrid," "stench," and "bile."
4> Armani, Lagerfeld, and Dior were one thing, but even Kathie Lee claims to be "fresh out" of dresses for awards night.
3> The only Oscar party you're invited to is at 360 N. Rockingham.
2> Although dramatic, flying cows are traditionally overlooked.
and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Win an Oscar...
1> You are unfortunately only *one* degree of separation from Kevin Bacon.
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass.
The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
ENGLISH : EBONICS
The Lord's Prayer : Big Daddy's Rap
Our Father, who art in heaven : Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs,
Hallowed be thy name : You be chillin
Thy Kingdom come : So be yo hood
Thy will be done : You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
On earth as it is in heaven : In this here hood and yo's
Give us this day our daily bread : Gimme some eats
And forgive us our trespasses : And cut me some slack,
As we forgive those who trespass against us : Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
And lead us not into temptation : don't be pushing me into no jive
But deliver us from evil : and keep dem Crips away
For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. : 'Cause you always be da Man
Amen : Aaa-men
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventure on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to seagull poop?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits and a smaller ass, you'd be a ten!!!"
1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny.
2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and "you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.
5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.
9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEAST ONE OF THE PARTNERS!
10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Anne, Marsha, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Stpehanie, Nicole, Cory, Rachel, Heather,....
Hans, Sven and Otto were life-long friends. They grew up together, went to school together, lived and worked near each other. Now in their elder years, they lived in the same retirement home.
Every morning, Hans, Sven and Otto would walk to the local cafe to drink coffee, read the paper and reminisce about old times.
One day Hans and Otto got a call from the coroner saying a man was killed while crossing the street and he thought it was Sven. The coroner asked Hans and Otto to come down and identify the body.
Hans went into the morgue first where a body was laying on a table covered with a white sheet. The coroner pulled the sheet down so that Hans could see the face.
"It looks like Sven", Hans said, "but I can't tell for sure. Could you pull the sheet all the way off and roll him over?".
The coroner thought this was odd, but complied. Hans then pulled the legs of the body apart and peered intensely between them.
"No, this cannot possibly be Sven!", Hans said and then left the room.
Next Otto entered the morgue. The coroner pulled the sheet down so that Hans could see the face.
"It looks like Sven", Otto said, "but I can't tell for sure. Could you pull the sheet all the way off and roll him over?".
Once again, the coroner thought this was odd, but complied. Otto then pulled the legs apart and peered intensely between them.
"No, this cannot possibly be Sven!", Otto said and then left the room.
Back in his office, the coroner asked Hans and Otto how they both were so sure this wasn't Sven. Hans replied, "Every day, Sven, Otto and I walk to the cafe. As we walked, the people we pass would say, 'There goes Sven with the two assholes'".
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called
on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus fucking Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bad and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yello, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
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