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(Pronounce MIASS as my-ass)
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".
15> The poison gas is bad enough, but pumping laughing gas into the audience chamber is just plain cruel!
14> The anti-capital punishment demonstrators are carrying signs reading, "Okay, but just this once."
13> Wacky guards post sign outside your cell: "Elevation -6"
12> At the last minute, the governor calls, but only to ask if you have Prince Albert in a can.
11> They assure you "Old Sparky" isn't acting up, but still arrange burgers on your head.
10> Firing squad of Ted Nugent, Charlton Heston, and Barry Switzer replaced by Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote, and Yosemite Sam.
9> That burning smell doesn't mean they ruined the Steak Tartare, Chester.
8> The electric chair operator asks you to turn over so they can do the other side.
7> Guitar-carrying executioner says not to worry, he'll be "killing you softly" with his song.
6> You wake to a muffled voice saying, "Let's get the dirt back in there and call it a day!"
5> Supreme Court Golf Tournament scheduled for day of your execution.
4> The jolt from the electric chair only manages to give you "Don King hair."
3> In the viewing room, Martha Stewart's gingerbread electric chair cookies are getting more attention than you are.
2> Despite what the paperwork says, there's apparently no such thing as "Lethal Erection."
and the Number 1 Sign Your Execution Isn't Going Well...
1> Your kicky new sundress? Ruined!
It's the 1st day of school for all the little 2nd graders, and the teacher is running late. As she enters the class, she apologizes for her tardiness, and turns to write her name on the board and sees already written there "tt + 1a"
She turns to the class and asks who wrote this and what does it mean.
Sally stands and says, "To Teacher ... 1 apple!"
She commends Sally for her nice gesture and proceeds with the class.
The next day she comes to work and already finds written on the board, "tt + 1o"
She again turns to the class and inquires for an explanation, this time Joey stands and says, "To Teacher ... 1 orange."
Next day she comes to work, half-way expecting to find some more 2nd grade "cryptic" words, opens the door .... and gets the shock of her life. She sees the words "tt fuck + 1t"
Horrified, she turns to the class and screams, "WHO WROTE THIS?"
Little Juan stands and say "To Teacher, From Us Chicano Kids .... 1 Taco!"
15> "Biting Raoul"
14> "Dentl"
13> "Alien IV: Going Back In"
12> "Belly Jack"
11> "Breakfast at Tiffany's Spleen"
10> "Edward Scissorteeth"
9> "Untasted Heart"
8> "Young Gums"
7> "The Three Mouthketeers" (with Marv Albert and Mike Tyson)
6> "Broken Arrow Shirt"
5> "My Dinner of Andre"
4> "The Story of a Man Who Went, Without Surgery, From An Being an Outie to an Innie"
3> "Who's That Eating Gilbert Grape?"
2> "Stomach Pump Up the Volume"
and the Number 1 New Movie Starring Christian Slater...
1> "The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and a Guy Who Bites People"
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said: "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a bit better, until another voice in his head said:
"... although they probably weren't vets."
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves -- the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My WIFE doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
The next day the headlines read: "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS!"
The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.
The headline read: "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT!"
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The new headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS!"
This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The next day the headline read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!"
The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.
The headline read: "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS!"
They buried the bishop the next day.
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, November 7th, 1997.
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