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Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. -
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my ...concentration off
what do mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
I hope his family won't miss him
"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3.
He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says, "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know," he replies.
"Well, just let me check," the cashier says and she unzips his pants and takes a feel and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3!"
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty-year old man walks into the store and up to checkout 3.
He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says, "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE, LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3!"
Someone brings the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Later, a sixteen-year old guy comes into the store and goes up to the girl at checkout 3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?"
"Yep," she says, "But what size do you need?"
"I don't know." he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel and then says over the intercom,
"CLEAN UP AT CHECKOUT THREE PLEASE, CLEAN UP AT CHECKOUT THREE!"
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going...
KFC Condoms: Finger-licking good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, Mm good.
M&M's Condoms: It melts in your mouth not in your hand...
Burger King's Condoms: Yes! You can have it your way...
Timex Watch Condoms: It takes a lickin and keeps on ticking...
GE Electrical Condoms: We bring good things to life...
Jim Carrey's "The Mask" Condom: It's Smokin!!!
Superman's Condom: "Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!!!"
Forest Gump's Condoms: "It's like a box of chocolate, You'll never know whatcha gonna get".
MC Hammer's Condom: "Can't Touch This!!!"
Johnny Cochran's Condom: "If it doesn't fit, You must acquit".
Fast Food Joint Condoms: Guaranteed in 30 seconds or your next one is free...
Dominoes Pizza Condoms: "We deliver!"
Spearmint Chewing Gum Condom's: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!!!
Jiffy Lube;s Condoms: Good for the next 3000 miles...
Folger's Coffee Condoms: "Good til the last drop"
1. The first pain of college that really sucks for me, is trying to keep a solid "B"!
2. The second pain of college that really sucks for me, is do-ing homework.
3. The third pain of college that really sucks for me, is paying phone bills.
4. The fourth pain of college that really sucks for me, is doing my own laundry.
5. The fifth pain of college that really sucks for me, is no time to sleep.
6. The sixth pain of college that really sucks for me, is those next door to me.
7. The seventh pain of college that really sucks for me, is going to the library.
8. The eighth pain of college that really sucks for me, is being a work- study.
9. The ninth pain of collge that really sucks for me, is living with a roomy.
10. The tenth pain of college that really sucks for me, the food that's really sucky.
11. The eleventh pain of college that really sucks for me, is never getting mail.
12. The twelfth pain of college that really sucks for me, paying tuition fees.
Have a great college experience everyone!
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
" Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!!!!!!"
This guy goes to the auto stereo store to buy a new car stereo. The salesperson shows him the latest in "gee whizz" stereos which responds to voice commands. So he has it installed and proceeds on his way. While driving he decides to try out his new toy and says "classical" and the radio tunes to an NPR station which is currently playing some beautiful classical music. Impressed by this the man says "country" and the radio complies by tuning to a country/western station where Merle Haggard is crying hislatest hit. Having so much fun with this the man says "rock" and the radio starts blasting some heavy metal. About this time the guy next to him cuts over into his lane and almost causes him to crash. The man loudly yells "ASSHOLE!" and Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio.
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at
Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Saturday, November 29th, 1996.
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Copyright @ 1996 Robokev Inc. All Rights Reserved