This webpage has been viewed times.
**************************************
Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's thirteen.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Some gangsters think of robbing a bank. They think of the best plan that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are able to get into the bank. There were hundreds of safes.
They open the first safe and the only thing they find in there is a cup with a pudding. The Head Gangster says " OK! At least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding.
They open up the second Safe and there stays another pudding. So they devoured it too. This process goes on for the rest of the day until all the safes were opened. There were no money nor jewelry. "Well," they say, "at least there is something for us to eat".
Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people."
The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.
After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.
After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says: "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers: "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have an erect 10-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
"OK. I cut. I cut."
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"Its really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment".
Desperate for a perfect garden, she tried to take his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No," she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.
Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me."
The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist...
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
The following exam was administered as an Ebonics version of the SAT
1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:
A. A dime and two 40's
B. A new pair of Fila's
C. Dashikki down the block
D. Yo mama
2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You:
A. Bust a cap in his ass
B. Say, "Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?"
C. Have anuther kid on welfare
3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo's commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros,and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens:
A. Shit goes down in da hood
B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
C. Shit man, I do'no maff
D.. Yo mama
4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left:
A. Haff
B. Da uther haff
C. Zum mo
D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama
5) You, beein da shit you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese:
A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat
B. Da AK47 with yo Fila's
C. You blade and ya colurs
D. "Shit man, what's a nigga like me doin up at dis time in da morn?"
6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You:
A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDees
B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40's
C. Gaffle da man
D. I do'no maff
JOG-MAFEE
7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
A. Afrika
B. Compton
C. Souff Centra
8) What am da capita of California?
A. Da Hood
C. Compton
D. Compton
ANALAMA-G'S
9) Tek 9 : Gatt ::
A. Yo mama : Dashikki
B. Fila's : Nike
C. Tu pac : Barry White
D. St. Ive's : Colt 45
10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic ::
A. Da Man : Da Systum
B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
C. Fat Albert : Shaft
D. Yo mama : Dashikki
NO. LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN: IN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN?
I'm blonde. ----- I'm an albino.
I'm dark-haired. ----- Covering my entire body.
I'm fair-skinned. ----- I haven't seen natural light since 1986.
I'm tanned. ----- I'm leathery.
I have a good complexion. ----- What's visible between the zits.
I'm slim. ----- I'm anorexic.
I'm curvy. ----- I have to ride the lift alone for safety reasons.
I'm voluptuous. ----- Remember Jabba the Hutt?
I'm an outdoors person. ----- I work on a roadcrew, and all the guys are scared of me.
I have an active social life. ----- I have an active fantasy life.
Here is my picture. ----- I will look like this woman as soon as I lose 150 lbs. and have extensive cosmetic surgery.
I'm not interested in guys like you. ----- I'm a lesbian.
I love your English accent. ----- Somebody is talking to me!
You're cute. ----- You're a male primate. I'm not picky.
I'm not in the mood. ----- I'd rather finger myself.
I love how you really understand me. ----- I love how gullible you are.
I'd love to meet you. ----- Somewhere reeeally dark.
Hi, I'm Misty. ----- Hi, I'm Chuck.
I'll be down in a second. ----- Give me two hours.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic but the fourth youngest is an ugly.
"Darling wife..." the husband whispers, "Assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die".
The wife gently interrupts him:
"Yes my dearest, absolutely, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father".
The man dies happy. The wife mutters under her breath:
"Thank God, he didn't ask about the other three".
One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way.
His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Monday, May 26th, 1997.
This free homepage was provided by GeoCities.
Copyright @ 1997 Robokev Inc. All Rights Reserved