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Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field.
The stunned umpired shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, `Throw the first PITCH!'"
******************************************** Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
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Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
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Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on the White House Lawn. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, eh, eh, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President" Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?" The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari.
But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few months when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.
First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 fruits of the same kind. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king " I brought 10 apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his 10 fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. the first one asked " why did you laugh, you almost got away with it ".
The second one replied" I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy brought watermelons."
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"
GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvey and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiney, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."
Turns out there is a precise formula that can be used to derive Your Soap Opera Name and Your Porn Star Name. Research has shown that the degree of accuracy is frighteningly high.
Your Soap Opera Name = Your Middle Name + The Street You Grew Up On
Your Porn Star Name = Your First Pet's Name + Your Mother's Maiden Name
15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan, and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4> During one lonely night, Princess Leia finds R2D2's special attachment.
3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell. and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Little Johnny had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything. One day, Johnny's father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said, "Sir, I think I know how to teach little Johnny a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
Johnny's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Johnny making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Johnny, I want you to remain after class."
When all the other children left the classroom, Johnny walked up to the teacher and, before she could say anything, told her, "Don't say it. I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!!"
"Johnny!" the startled teacher said, "What are you talking about?!?"
"You're a fake!" Johnny continued, "How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!!"
Trying to keep her composure and stay cool, the teacher said, "Johnny, that isn't true."
"I'll bet a dollar that your bush is black as night!" Johnny challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Johnny a lesson. "Make it twenty dollars and you have a bet," she said.
"You're on!" Johnny whipped out a twenty dollar bill.
Before anyone could come into the room, the teacher quickly pulled up her dress, dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Johnny that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on her head.
Johnny hung his head in defeat. "You win," he said, handing her the twenty dollar bill.
The teacher could hardly wait for Johnny to leave so she could call his father back. She reported to him what had happened. "Sir," she said, "I think we've finally taught him a lesson."
"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning, Johnny bet me fifty dollars that he'd get to see your cunt before the day was over."
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp -- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
She says: "Is THIS what you've been fucking my pussy with for the past 5 years!?!"
He replies: "Honey, let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a bitch!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain how we got our 3 fucking kids!!!"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Thursday, May 1st, 1997.
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