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10) Have you looked through her briefs?
9) He's one hard judge!
8) Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7) His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6) Is it a penal offense?
5) Better leave the handcuffs on.
4) For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3) Can you get him to drop his suit?
2) The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
and the #1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't is:
1) Think you can get me off?
15> Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
14> Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah i am a slavedriving cheapskate.
13> A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
12> When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
11> First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
10> It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
9> Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark.
8> Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
7> Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
6> Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tightass."
5> That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
4> Newly-typed org chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
3> Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
2> While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
and the Number 1 Sign You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day...
1> Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."
A lady sits down next to a man on a plane. The guy sneezes, takes out his penis, and wipes his penis off. The lady thought maybe it was just a one time thing.
About ten minutes later the guy sneezes again and does the same thing. The lady thinks, "If he does it again I'll confront him."
Fifteen minutes later he does the same exact thing. So she says to him, "Why do you keep doing that?"
He says, "I have a disorder, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The lady says, "What are you taking for it?"
He says, "PEPPER!"
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his ta deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
And something to cheer you up after all of this...
Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
The new girl at the truckstop waited on her first patron, a big, burly driver. "I'll have two headlights, four hubcaps and a cup of oil," the man said.
Confused, the waitress went to the kitchen and told the cook about the order. The cook laughed and said, "That's easy, honey. He wants two eggs, sunnyside up, and a stack of flapjacks with coffee."
When the waitress returned to the driver's table, she set down a cup of coffee and a large bowl of beans. "I didn't order these!" the trucker protested, pointing to the beans.
"I know," the girl laughed, "but I thought you might want to gas up while you're waiting."
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, about 10 and 12 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in deep shit!!!!!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, deep shit!?!?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off with the hacksaw, are you???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A little girl was asked by her mother what she wants for Christmas. "Barbie and G.I. Joe," the little girl said said.
"But darling," the mother said, "Barbie doesn't come with G.I. Joe, Barbie comes with Ken."
"No mommy," the little girl replied, "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes with Ken."
Three blondes stranded on an island, trying to figure a way to get off when one comes across an old kettle. Upon rubbing it a genie appears and grants 3 wishes.
The first says "I want to be smart enough to figure a way off this island". So the genie turns her into a brunette. The brunette's face lights up, she strips off, jumps into the water and starts swimming.
The second blonde says "I want to be smarter than the last girl". So the genie turns her into a redhead. The redhead's face lights up. She collects logs, binds them together with vines, fashions a sail and sails off.
The third blonde says "I want to be even smarter than the last girl".
So the genie turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, July 11th, 1997.
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