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John is sent to hell. And when he gets there it,s about 85 degrees. He thinks to himself: "This isn't so bad!" and the devil shows up and starts to tell him about his days in hell.
"Do you like sports?", the devil says.
John says: "Yeah, I love them!"
"Well, on Monday we have sports day we have 1000's of huge TVs watch all you want.
He asks John: "Do you like to party?"
John replies: "Hell ya!! love it, that's why I'm here!"
The devil says: "Well you'll like Tuesdays! All the drugs and drinks you could want!"
John can't believe this! He thinks: "This ain't so bad."
The Devil asks: "Do you like to gamble?"
John exclaims: "I'm addicted!!!"
"Well Wedndsday is Vegas day."
John starts to believe this isn't hell, and that he's died and gone to paradise.
Then devil asks: "Are you gay?"
John replies: "No fuckin' way in hell am I gay!"
The Devil says: "Well, I guess you won't like Thursdays then."
Q. How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A. Pick him up and suck his dick.
Q. Whats the difference between a dog howling on the front porch and a women sceaming on the back porch?
A. The dog shuts up when you let it in.
Q. Why is Micheal Jackson like a big mac?
A. 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q. Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
A. Because she was a woman.
Q.What do Mexicans and a pool ball have in common?
A.T he harder you hit them the more english you get out of them.
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q. Why don't blondes make good farmers?
A. They can't keep their calves together.
Q: When does a Puerto Rican become a Spaniard?
A: When he marries your daughter.
Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.
Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces.
Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Q: Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
A: She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Put sand in the Vaseline
Q: Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A: About 4 inches.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A:When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How are women and rocks alike?
A. You skip the flat ones.
Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.
Q: Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?
A: Jelly beans come in different colors.
Q: What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Whats 12 inches long and stiff in the morning?
A: Crib-death.
Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Two lips on your organ
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
A. (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q: What's got four legs and one arm ?
A: A Rotwieller
Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?.
A: Fucks funny!.
Q - Why did god invent booze?
A - So fat, ugly chicks could get laid too.
Q - Why did god create women?
A - Sheep can't cook.
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as: "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
and #1 is...
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Horses in race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.
At the Halfway Mark:
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
At The Stretch:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Thighs weakens and Heavy Bosom pulls up, Clean Sheets never had a chance.
A woman answered the knock at her door and found an old man with a hearing aid. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," he said, "That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes!"
Years ago while lying in my hammock, I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of fucked up individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat were in her right now
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for their new world
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george Washington's nose.
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!
Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin' tights!
Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her.
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse.
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship
Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
Yo momma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons
Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!!
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get the fuck off!!!
Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development
Yo momma so fat she won "Miss Bessie the Cow 94"
Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a mary jane truck.
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Her skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.
Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!"
The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?"
"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first, "if we're going to be Americans, we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch.
One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uuh, which part of the dog did you get?"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, August 29th, 1997.
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