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If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Ivana Trump married and divorced Neil Diamond and married Jack Nicklaus, she'd be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
NAME:__________________________
Nickname:_____________________
ADDRESS: ______________________ EXIT #_____
ETHNIC BACKGROUND: _______Italian _______Sicilian ________Jewish
BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
---a)Sewage b)Sulfur c)Garbage d)All of the above
TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS
---a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS
# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS
BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED
---a)Sergio Valente b)Jordache c)Sassoon d)Z. Cavaricci
PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER
---a)100% b)95-100% c)90-95% d)85-90%
TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED
---a)10 - 15 b)15 - 20 c)20 - 25 d)25 and above
# OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME
APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY
---a)$ 5 - $10 b)$10 - $15 c)$15 - $20 d)Stolen
NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DRAKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED EFFECT
---a)10 - 15 b)15 - 25 c)25 and above
GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH? YES NO
HAIR HEIGHT
--a)6 - 8 Inches b)8 - 12 Inches c)1 - 2 feet d)More than 2 feet
HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME
---a) Hair Spray
---b) Styling Gel
---c) Mousse
---d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
---e) Bondo
---f) Spackle
---g) 40 Weight Oil
---h) Crazy Glue
AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
---a) IROC Z
---b) Firebird
---c) Camaro
---d) Mustang
---e) Chevette ( You got a fucking problem with it?)
NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND
---a)6 - 8 Inches b)4 -6 Inches c)2 - 4 Inches d)Under 2 Inches
CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE
---a) Gold chain around license plate
---b) Neon lights around license plate
---c) Neon lights under car
---d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
---e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
---f) Chrome hubcaps
---g) Stick-on window tinting
---h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
---i) Fuzzy dice
FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM
---a) Fucking Giants
---b) Fucking Jets
---c) Fucking Mets
---d) Fucking Yankees
---e) Fucking Nets
---f) Fucking Knicks
---g) Fucking Devils
---h) Fucking Rangers
---i) Fucking Islanders
FAVORITE MUSIC
---a) Techno
---b) Rap
---c) Bon Jovi
---d) Bruce Springsteen
ESSAY QUESTION
In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoos Guys"
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambigious. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile. (haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Get mad at them for everything.
11. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
12. Hold grudges.
13. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
14. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
15. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess.
16. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
17. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
18. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
19. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
20. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
21. Fall for your FAC. (I don't know what this is)
22. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
23. Correct their grammar.
24. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
25. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
26. Leave out the good parts in stories.
27. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
28. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
29. Declare that you are not wacko.
30. Criticize the way they dress.
31. Criticize the music they listen to.
32. Criticize their hair.
33. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
34. Try to change them.
35. Try to mold them.
36. Try to get them to dance.
37. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
38. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
39. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
40. Blame everything on PMS.
41. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
42. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
43. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half
inch.
44. Read into everything..
45. Over-analyze everything.
46. Make it your goal to make them cry.
A man on a date parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more sex and the guy says: "Excuse me a minute, I have to go pee, I'll be right back."
She says: "Hurry up, I have to get back home before my husband suspects I'm cheating on him."
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man: "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've fucked her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does. He gets in the car and fucks the woman. They have hot passionate sex about ten times, then all of a sudden, a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks: "What are you doing in there?"
The guy says: "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks: "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers: "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
A bus stops and two obviously Italian-type men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."
"You foul-mouthed bastard swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, February 11th, 1997.
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