Funny Jokes

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks having sex. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

A man, feeling poorly, goes to his doctor for an examination. The doc performs lots of tests, takes blood and urine samples, etc. He sends the man home, and tells him to come back next week.

At the next appointment, the man says, "So Doc, what's wrong with me?"

"Well, I'm afraid it's not good: you've got HAGS."

"HAGS? What's that?"

"Hepatitis, AIDS, Ghonorea, and Syphilis."

"Oh no! What am I going to do?"

"Well, first thing we've got to do is get checked into a hospital. After that, we'll put you on a diet of pancakes, pizza, and friend flounder."

"What's so special about those foods?"

"They're the only thing that will fit under the door!"

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.

"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing".

"What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in the with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!

A young man is walking down the street on his way to a pub. As he approaches the door, a nun yells out "DON'T ENTER THAT HOUSE OF EVIL! Don't you harm that temple for your soul that God has provided!"

The man replies "All I'm going to do is have a few drinks -- what can be the harm in that?" The nun says "All drinking is bad." The man then asks, "Have you ever had a drink to relax?" The nun admits she has not. The man says "I'll tell you what, I'll get you a drink. If you still think it's evil you can continue to preach; if not you can go away and leave everyone alone." The nun says "OK, but could you please put it in a coffee cup so nobody will know?" The man agrees and enters the bar.

The bartender goes up to the man and says "What'll you have?" The man says "Give me a beer and a Scotch in a coffee cup." The bartender's face goes red and he screams "IS THAT DAMN NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?"

An Amish boy and his Father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?".

The Father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

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