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This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years ! ", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years ! "
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circimstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
1. Just call me milk - I'll do your body good!
2. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
3. You can forget about going to heaven because it's a sin to look that good!
4. How do you like me so far?
5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk by again?
6. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't I just come along peacefully?
7. Do you know the difference between talking and sex? No? Then let's go up to my room and talk.
8. I didn't realize that angels flew so low.
9. Your father must have been a thief, because he stole all of the stars and put them in your eyes.
10. I envy your lipstick.
11. I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
12. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.
13. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.
14. Your lips are like Lay's potato chips. You can't stop with just one.
15. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
16. Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your place?
17. Didn't we bathe together as kids?
18. Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.
19. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
20. I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.
A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot.
One morning a nurse's entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."
After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.
"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."
The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare ass in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"
The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Not with a petunia."
A man walks into a therapists office and approaches one of the doctors and says, "D-d-d-d-d-doctor... can you h-h-help me with my stutter?". The doctor says, "You are in luck, I too once stuttered... even worse than you."
"H-h-how did you cure your stut-t-ter?", the eager man replies.
"Well believe it or not, another doctor gave me some advise. I did exactly what he said, I went home to my wife and we had the best sex ever. When I woke the next morning it was gone."
So the man took the doctor's advise and went on his way. The following day he walks back into the doctor's office, "D-d-d-d-d-doctor... it didn't w-w-work...but you have a v-v-very n-n-nice house."
These two ladies were fishing partners who often fished together. One of the ladies was much more successful and invariably would catch more fish from her side of the boat. Finally the other lady asked for her secret.
She responded, "Before I get out of bed I look under the covers at my husband's penis. If it is laying over to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If it is laying to the right I fish off the right side of the boat."
Her partner then asked "What if it is standing straight up?"
She replied, "I don't go fishing that day!!!"
One nice fall day, the Pope is strolling around outside the Vatican when a prostitute approaches him and says "Blow job, $2.50." The Pope looked at her perplexedly, not knowing what she was talking about, and continued on his way without a word.
A few minutes later, another prostitute approached him and repeated the previous offer, "Blow job, $2.50." The Pope became rather frustrated with this, and was determined to find out what the prostitutes were talking about.
So he went into the Vatican in search of his friend Sister Mary. Upon locating her, he asked her "Sister Mary, what's a blow job??" And Sister Mary replied, "That will be $2.50, same as outside."
Pete was always shy with girls. One evening he got his best friend, Bob, to go with him to a singles bar. Bob being very experienced, was supposed to help Pete in his quest for female companionship, and sexual conquest.
One sweet young thing in the room noticed Pete, thought he was cute, and decided to make contact with him. Since she was a little shy, she could not just go up to him , but had to use gestures.
"Bob, that girls over there is giving me the eye. What should I do?"
"Give her the Eye back."
So, Pete, as best he could gave her eye by winking at her.
A few moments later...
"Bob," said Pete, now getting rather excited " She's smiling at me."
"Smile back."
So, Pete, trying to appear cool smiled back.
A few moments passed...
"Bob!!!" exclaimed Pete, "My God. She bent over and showed me her tits. Now what do I do?"
"Show her your nuts." replied Bob calmly.
"OK." Pete replies.
So, Pete stands up and turned towards the girl, stuck his thumbs in his ears, and waving his fingers stuck his tongue out and wiggling it, rasped "Blurble, Blurble, Blurble!"
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl cam up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was laying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at
Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, January 14th, 1997.
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