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A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No not at all," the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few," stated the preacher.
"Oh, that's all right," replied the woman. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay.
Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!
Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing
Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size.
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "that's our number two sport."
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few beers short of a six pack.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Skylight leaks a little.
A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!
A guy comes home, drunk out of his mind, and his clothes smell like Budweiser. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out fucking other women.
"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!" she says.
Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
She says: "Do you have huge golden doors?"
He replies: "Sure do."
She asks: "Do you have golden floors?"
He replies: "Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?" she says.
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Teacher chalks up word, "contagious" on blackboard and tells pupils, when called upon, they are to stand and use the word in a complete sentence.
Suzie is called first and she stands and says, "When I had the measles, I had to stay home from school because measles are contagious."
Jimmy was next up and said, "Each year I have to get a flu shot because influenza is contagious."
Johnny is called on and says, "The other day I was riding with my father in town; a lady with a horse and a wagon full of strawberries in front of us, turned the corner a bit too fast and crates of strawberries tipped off; broke; and strawberries went rolling all over the street. The lady got down and began picking up the berries.
My dad then said,
'Lordy, it's gonna take that stupid "contagious" (cunt ages) to pick up all them berries'."
It was time for Father Steve's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Father Steve's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. Steve was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
"And Father Steve said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace."
The old nun was shocked.
"And then Father Steve guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." said the young nun.
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. Steve said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did. It felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun.
The young nun said: "What's wrong?"
The old nun replied: "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, August 29th, 1997.
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