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Drug dealers ** Software developers
Refer to their clients as "users" *** Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!" *** "Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff) *** Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code)
Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E" *** Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market *** Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market
Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes *** Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers *** Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
Their product causes unhealthy addictions *** DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. *** Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
There's this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy. Jack loves Wendy a lot, and decides to ask her to marry him. And to prove how much he loves her, he goes and gets "Wendy" tattooed on his penis, to show her how much that he loves her. When it's erect, is says her name, and when deflated, it reads "Wy"
So, there doing it the next night, and when she sees her name on his masculine member, he pops the question, and she accepts.
They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. Once down there, they decided to try out all of the local culture, including a nude beach. So, they go to the beach, and are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and go and get something to drink at the bar down the beach.
So, he walks over to the bar, with his deflated muscle, trying not to let his eye wander, hence embarrassment to himself. He orders a drink from the guy at the bar, and while making the drink, he notices that the guy, also naked for obvious reasons, has "Wy" tattooed on his penis as well.
So Jack asks the guy, "Hey, do you have a girlfriend named 'Wendy' and her name tattooed on your dick too?"
And the bartender looks down at Jack's thing, back to his and starts laughing and says, "No mon. Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon. Have a nice day."
Michael Jackson was discussing his wife's pregnancy with his doctor and he asked,
"How soon after birth will we be able to have sexual intercourse?".
The doctor said, "You should wait until the boy is at least 16 years".
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother ran into the living room and yelled at her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house! Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
There's a couple doing yard work, and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. Her husband is looking for the rake and yells to his wife. She looks out the upstairs bathroom window, and he yells, "Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee, (need) and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells. So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it, points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass, and then to her crotch.
Her husband is totally confused (though somewhat aroused) so he goes in the house and upstairs and leans around the corner, "What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Mike was rumored to possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500?
Mike: I might be interested. Let me think it over.
He enter the zoo administrators' office the following day.
Mike: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. 2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition?
Mike: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
There were two dwarves who won the lottery. The first thing they did was hire a couple of prostitutes and go to a hotel. Their rooms are next to each other and with a wink, they each take their lady of the night into a room.
The first dwarf is only just in bed when he hears through the wall "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH". Excited that his friend is all ready under way he rips off his clothes. Still he hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" from next door, and wonders how his friend can keep going. He tries to concentrate on what he is doing but is so distracted by the "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" that despite his and the prostitute's best efforts, he cannot get it up. Even as he was drifting off to an unfulfilled sleep he still hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH"
The next day they meet outside the rooms after the prostitutes have left. The 2nd dwarf is still bright red in the face and looks exhausted.
"How was your night?" asked the exhausted one.
"Terrible" replied the first. "I couldn't get an erection."
"You lucky bastard!" said the second. "I couldn't even get on the bed."
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.
The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.
B is for BULLSHIT, which is what he was full of.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.
D is also for "Damn the bad luck" which is what I have in Dating men.
E is for everything he said we'd do, everything he said he was, and every- thing he's not. E is also for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for faithful, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.
G is for GOD the one he thought he was and wanted to be worshipped as.
G is also for the spot he could never find!
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.
I is for Impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
I is also for the inbreeding that occured in his podunk family.
J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.
K is for Key, the one that made the lovely designs on his truck.
K is also for Kick in the balls which is what I'm gonna give him if I see him again.
L is for Love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH (he drank an awful lot).
M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?
N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.
O is for the orgasm he thought he made me have.
P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!
Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.
R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.
R is also for the ring that he can't afford and will never buy.
S is for the sugar they found in his gas tank.
S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.
T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.
U is for umbilical cord which was never severed when his mother gave birth.
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.
V is for the voodoo doll I made of him. Pins are inserted of course.
W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.
X is what he is to me now!!!!
Y is for why the hell did I ever get involved with him.
Z is for the zoloft that I had to start taking.
. is for period, which is a good excuse that comes in handy once a month.
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So.......
I switched the heads."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, May 6th, 1997.
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