Funny Jokes

Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died.

Yo momma so old she has Jesus's beeper number!

Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!

Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch'

Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks!

Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!

Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.

Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything".

Yo momma so old she was Jesus's Wet Nurse.

Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang.

Yo momma so old even God calls her mother!

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.

He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered back, "I've lived beside that asswipe for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"

A young blonde came home from school and was heard by her mother reciting her homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch--"

"Judi!" shouted her mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use swearwords like 'son of a bitch'".

"But, Mom," replied Judi, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."

Next day Judi's mother went to school with her daughter and right into the classroom to complain.

"Oh, heavens!" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them.

They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So... up she went.

When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing his hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother "Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants, and he has hairy legs." Again her mother says"Don't worry. All good mean have hairy legs. Tony's a good man -- go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So... up she went.

When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot he is missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half.!"

"Wow, very impressive, stay here," says the mother, "This is a job for mama."

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, Please Excuse Me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" (And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.) Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and then the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

And the bunny replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy,and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."

There once was a little girl who wore a dress to school every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly beans.

That day she came running home and yelled to her mom "Mommy! Mommy! Today the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!"

The mother shook her head and replied "Oh no! They just did that so they could see up your dress and see your panties! I don't want you to ever do this again!"

So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flag pole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans and she ran home again and said to her mother "Mommy! Look! Today the gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the flagpole!"

The mother got upset and told her "They just did that so they could see your panties!!! Listen to me! I don't want you to ever let this happen again!"

So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on her face "Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!"

The mother said "What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They're just doing that to see your panties!"

The little girl replied still smiling widely "I know! I know! But this time I tricked them! I didn't wear any!"

Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say 'How about a little ?' She always pretends to be asleep."

A small town farmer owns this rooster named Brewster. It's a really good rooster, except it has a voracious sexual appetite. Brewster also tends to get a little carried away when he is servicing the hens. He is a wild one!

One day the farmer comes into the barn and there are three dead hens lying on the ground with Brewster standing in the corner looking on. "Brewster, I told you to take it easy on the hens! Look what you've done! If you keep this up you're going to be the one lying dead on the floor." said the farmer. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to separate you from the rest of the hens."

So the farmer puts Brewster the Rooster in with the rabbits. A few hours go by and Brewster's balls are becoming quite blue.

Unfortunately, he cannot contain his sexual enthusiasm so he starts banging the rabbits! Once again, he gets carried away and accidentally kills one of the rabbits. The farmer comes in the next morning and sees what his friend Brewster has done. "Brewster, you've done it again! I'm telling you, all of this over-exertion is going to put you on your deathbed someday!" said the farmer. "That's it, I'm going to isolate you altogether!"

So the farmer puts Brewster the Rooster in a field all by himself where he cannot cause the Farmer any grief.

The next morning, the farmer gets up and notices vultures circling over where he had left Brewster the Rooster. So he rushes out and sees Brewster lying on the ground dead. "Brewster, what did I tell you?" the farmer says to himself. "No animal is capable of keeping up that pace. I knew this would lead to your death!"

Suddenly, Brewster the Rooster looked up at the farmer and whispered, "Shhhh! They're about to land!"

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