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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! ---Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ---George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. ---Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. ---Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. ---Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. ---Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ---Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. ---Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" ---Jay Leno
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." ---Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. ---Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. ---Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. ---Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. ---Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. ---George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. ---Billiam Coronel
Fred and Edith were living in the Old Folks Home. One day, Fred says to Edith: "Hey, Edith! You wanna go for a boat ride?"
Edith says, "Sure!"
So... there they were paddling along... and they come to a fork in the river. Fred says, pointing to the left and then to the right, "Edith...up or down?"
Edith says, "What??"
Fred, again, pointing to the left and then to the right, says "Up... or down?"
Well, Edith starts RIPPING her clothes off, then rips the clothes right off of Fred's back and starts screwing the hell out of him! When they're finished, Fred rows back to the Old Folks Home *extremely* happy.
The next week, Fred says "Edith (wink, wink) wanna go for a boat ride? (wink, wink)"
Edith says, "Why, sure!" So...there they go, Fred paddling like a madman, trying to reach the fork in the river. They reach the fork and Fred turns anxiously to Edith and says, "Edith! up or down!?"
Edith looks at the fork in the river and says, "Oh... up, I guess."
Fred looks at her confused and repeats: "Edith... UP or DOWN?"
Edith, again looks at the fork and repeats: "UP".
Fred, looking quite confused says "Edith...what is with you? Last week I said 'up or down' and you tore your clothes off and screwed me like a madwoman!"
Edith, shocked says: "Is THAT what you said...UP or DOWN"? "Omigosh... my hearing aid was in the shop getting fixed last week... I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown'!"
A cop pulls a guy over, says... "I pulled you over because you didn't stop for that stop sign back there."
Driver says... "Yeah, but I slowed down for it."
"But you didn't STOP!" the cop says.
The driver replies... "Slow down, stop, c'mon, what's the fucking difference officer?"
The cops says... "Step out of the car, sir."
The guy gets out and cop starts to beat him silly with his nightstick.
The cop yells... "Now, do you want me to slow down? Or do you want me to STOP?!?!?!"
When Ma & Pa first arrived on the homestead Pa installed a bell on the front porch and told Ma if trouble comes while I'm out in the field a plowin' then you just ring that bell and I'll come a running.
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When he arrives Ma says, "Them boys are givin me a hard time about doin the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter knife in the molassas without lickin the blade clean first."
Pa says, "You mean I just run all the way in from the fields for this?? Next time it had better be important!"
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again. When he arrives his wife is in tears standing over a broke clothes line. "Pa", she says "some jackass came ridin' through here on a mule and ran right through the clothes line and rurnt the washin." At first Pa was trying to figure out what was ridin what but then he yells "I told you not to ring that bell unless something bad was goin on. If this happens again I'm goin' to raise holy hell!!!"
The next day Pa hears the bell again and grabbin up a board heads for home. When he arrives Ma is clinging to the porch rail with a spear in her back, the house behind her is in flames and the chickens are laying dead in the front yard, shot full of arrows.
Pa looks at Ma and says "Now that's more fuckin' like it!!!!!"
Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.
Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association.
Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?"
"A rose?" offered the neighbor.
"Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that gorgeous beuaty was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, November 7th, 1997.
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