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One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.".
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
The Nuprin Penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
The Equal Penis: Tastes like Sugar.
The Raid Penis: Kills bugs dead.
The Excedrin Penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing... Taste is everything.
The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.
The Alkaseltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz... Oh, what a relief it is...
The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The Life Alert Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.
The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...?
The Pringles penis: once you pop, you can't stop
The m&m penis: melts in your mouth, not in your hand
The frosted flakes penis: They're GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
The lucky charms penis: They're magically delicious
The Energizer penis: it keeps going and going
The right guard penis: anything less is uncivilized
The jolly green *giant* penis: self-explanatory
The Cambells soup penis: mmm mmm good
the kix penis: kid tested, mother approved.
the mcdonald's penis: over 8 billion served.
the tombstone penis: what would you like on your penis?
the ragu penis: comes out chunkier than the rest.
the chips ahoy penis: betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
the cobain penis: it blows itself away.
the allstate penis: you're in good hands.
the 7-up penis: the UN-penis.
the nike penis: just do it.
the borden penis: it's GOT to be good.
the barq's penis: the one with bite.
the beef penis: it's what's for dinner.
the bud lite penis: great taste, less filling.
the subway penis: where fresh is the taste.
the kentucky fried chicken penis: everybody needs a little.
the life penis: mikey likes it.
the transformers penis: it's more than meets the eye.
the twizzler penis: it makes mouths happy.
the nintendo penis: now you're playing with power.
the sega penis: PENIS!
the robitussin penis: used by nine out of ten moms.
the crest penis: recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
the champion penis: the official penis of the '96 u.s.a. olympic team.
the starburst penis: the juice is loose.
the toyota penis: i love what you do for me.
the THX penis: Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
the citibank visa penis: it's everywhere you want to be.
the timex penis: takes a lickin and keeps on.......
burger king penis: have it your way
dairy queen penis: hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
McDonald's penis ][: HAve you had your break today?
the army penis: be all that you can be.
the uncle sam penis: we want you.
the milk penis: it does a body good. (got penis?)
the flintstone's vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing
the wendy's penis: where's the beef?
the wizard of oz penis: "oh my!"
The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
The Folger's Crystals Penis: It's freeze dried to seal in the freshness. AND--the best part of wakin up is a penis in your cup.
The Lays penis: Betcha can't eat just one.
The Mr. Clean penis: Is it wet or is it dry?
The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it...
the doublemint penis: chewing really satisfies.
the juicyfruit penis: the taste is gonna move ya.
the big red penis: it's longer with big red.
the matthew sweet penis: 100% fun.
The neon penis: Hi.
The little caesar's penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
the generic penis: one size fits all.
the rave music penis: Ya'll ready for this?
the mortal kombat penis: nothing can prepare you.
The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Pizza Hut penis: Makin' it great.
The Bounce Penis: With Static-Guard!
the domino's pizza penis: delivers in 30 min or less
the budweiser penis: this bud's for you
the siskel & ebert penis: 2 thumbs up...
the george of the jungle penis: watch out for that.......tree?
the nyquil penis: the nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose, itching, burning, so you can rest penis.
The rice krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
The Extra penis: lasts an extra extra extra long time
Wonder bubbles penis: Magic wand inside!
Wonder bubbles penis II: for ages 3 and up
The Phantom of the Opera penis: Music of the night
The Charmin penis: Don't squeeze the penis!
The Sears penis: Come see the brighter side.
The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm...
The Rick James penis: It's SUPERFREAKY.
The Gilette penis: The best a man can get.
The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it IS longer.
the bacardi penis: taste the feeling.
the macintosh penis: power is everything.
the borg penis: resistance is futile.
the edge shaving cream penis: ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
the beatles penis: now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
the oasis penis: thinks it's the beatles penis.
the jell-o penis: look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
the virginia slims penis: you've come a long way, baby.
the at&t penis: reach out and touch someone.
the secret penis: strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop
The swiss miss penis: the taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!
The Payday Penis: Its almost totally nuts!
The yellow pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.
The Sony play station penis: You are not ready.
the heinz penis: good things come to those who wait.
the Reese's penis: How do you eat your Reese's?
The Life Savers penis: Five fruity flavors.
The Star Wars penis: Use the Force, Luke!
The Invasion of the Body Snatchers penis: "They're here already! You're next... YOU'RE NEXT!"
The War of the Worlds penis: "The time came when the Martians looked upon our penis with envious eyes, and slowly but surely turned their plans against us."
The Windows '95 penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash.
The Kenny Rodgers penis: Very very hairy.
The Rush Limbaugh penis: Bald and fat.
The Janet Jackson Penis: What Have You Done For ME Lately?
The Chevy Truck Penis: Like a rock!
The Mazda Penis: It just feels right.
THE FORD PENIS: BUILT FORD TOUGH
THE BUTTERFINGER PENIS: NO BODY BETTER LAY A FINGER ON MY PENIS
THE EgGO PENIS: LEGGO MY PENIS
The WSU Penis: It really is something special.
(A man and a woman sit in their drawing room drinking tea and reading the papers. The phone rings and the husband answers it.)
PHONE: Don't speak. Don't ask questions. Just listen. We've got your daughter Lucy and we're going to kill her unless you give us ten thousand dollars tomorrow morning by the bridge. Got it?
HUSBAND: But..
PHONE: Quiet. Ten thousand dollars.
(The caller hangs up and the husband returns to his chair, sits, and reads his paper).
HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "FUCK YOU!"
COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you've got.
Alimentary . . . . . . . . . What Holmes said to Watson
Artery. . . . . . . . . . . . . Study of Painting
Bacteria. . . . . . . . . . . Back door to the cafeteria
Barium. . . . . . . . . . . . What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel . . . . . . . . . . . . A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarean Section . . . A district in Rome
Carpal . . . . . . . . . . . . Person you ride to work with
Castrate . . . . . . . . . . . Market price for setting a fracture
Catheter. . . . . . . . . . . String instruments
Cat Scan. . . . . . . . . . . Searching for kitty
Cauterize . . . . . . . . . . Made eye contact with her
Chiropractor . . . . . . . An Egyptian doctor
Colic . . . . . . . . . . . . . A sheep dog
Coma . . . . . . . . . . . . . A Punctuation Mark
Congenital. . . . . . . . . Friendly
Cystogram . . . . . . . . . A cable sent to your sister
D & C . . . . . . . . . . . . Where the White House is
Denial . . . . . . . . . . . . Where Cleopatra used to swim
Dilate. . . . . . . . . . . . . To live long
Elixir . . . . . . . . . . . . . What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a juicy bone
Enema . . . . . . . . . . . . Not a friend
Fester. . . . . . . . . . . . . Quicker
Fibula. . . . . . . . . . . . . Small lie
Genital . . . . . . . . . . . Non Jewish
G I Series. . . . . . . . . . Soldier baseball
Grippe. . . . . . . . . . . . Suitcase
Hangnail. . . . . . . . . . . Coat hook
High Colonic. . . . . . . . Jewish religious holiday
Impotent. . . . . . . . . . . Distinguished, well known
Inbred . . . . . . . . . . . . . Best way to eat salami
Labor Pain. . . . . . . . . . Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff . . . . . . . Doctor's cane
Morbid. . . . . . . . . . . . Higher offer
Nitrate . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheaper than the day rate
Outpatient. . . . . . . . . . Person who has fainted
Pap Smear . . . . . . . . . Paternity test
Paradox . . . . . . . . . . . . A couple of quacks
Pelvis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cousin of Elvis
Postoperative . . . . . . . . Mail carrier
Prostate. . . . . . . . . . . . .Flat on your back
Protein. . . . . . . . . . . In Favor of adolescents
Recovery Room . . . . . . Place to do upholstery
Rectum. . . . . . . . . . . . . Dang near killed him!
Rheumatic . . . . . . . . . . Amorous
Secretion . . . . . . . . . . . Hiding something
Seizure . . . . . . . . . . . . Roman emperer
Serology. . . . . . . . . . The study of British nobles
Tablet. . . . . . . . . . . . A small table
Terminal Illness. . . . . Getting sick at the airport
Tibia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Country in North Africa
Tolerance . . . . . . . . . . What you get if you give growth hormone to ants
Tumor . . . . . . . . . . . . . More than one
Urine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you're out
Varicose. . . . . . . . . . . . Near by
Vein. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Conceited
IT IS WITH GREAT REMORSE THAT I INFORM YOU ALL OF THE SAD NEWS OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE VERY DEAR TO US ALL. LAST NIGHT, AT APPROXIMATELY 8:42 P.M. THE ENERGIZER BUNNY PASSED AWAY. UPON COMPLETION OF THE AUTOPSY EARLY THIS MORNING THE CHIEF MEDICAL EXAMINER REPORTED THE CAUSE OF DEATH AS ACUTE CARDIAC ARREST INDUCED BY SEXUAL OVER- STIMULATION APPARENTLY, SOMEONE HAD PUT MR. BUNNY'S BATTERIES IN BACKWARDS AND HE KEPT COMING, AND COMING, AND COMING....
A salesman for a new firm had had a very bad week. Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he gratefully closed his eyes awaiting takeoff.
At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inches, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck is going to change. She also still had a name tag on from something. So he turned to her and said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?"
She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for Midwest American Sexual Response Association."
"Keynote huh? That sounds fascinating. What was your address on?"
"Well, I'm a licensed sex therapist and have been doing research on the ability of the American male to please women. I've discovered that the American male, contrary to many people's uninformed opinions,is actually quite a good lover. However, there are three groups of Americans that really stand out from the crowd as the best of all. One group are the Jewish men because they seem to be able to really communicate with women on a sexual level. Another is the Native American, basically because as a group they are so well built 'that way.' The third are the men from down south because of their extraordinary ability to keep it up a long time. And by the way, my name is Wanda. What's yours?"
"Hi Wanda. I'm Tonto Weisenberg, but all my friends back home in Atlanta just call me Bubba."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at
Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Saturday, November 23rd, 1996.
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