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THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath.
So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is preparing to take the bath. Dwarfs protest vehemently and then Snow White relents and says that when I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.
Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.
The moment the dwarfs hear the SPLASH, the Dwarfs turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now if this incident is a sequel to an ad, what product is being adverised?
SEVEN UP
A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room.
He was told that it's around the back of the building he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads,
'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention'
The man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. The other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.
The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger....
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Curry.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
5. Unless the answer is yes.
6. In which case, can he videotape it?
7. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
9. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
10. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
11. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
12. He heard you the first time.
13. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
14. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
15. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
17. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
18. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
19. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
20. He was not looking at that other girl.
21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt / boobs / hair / makeup / legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
23. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
24. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
25. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
26. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
27. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them >> all.
28. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
29. Don't hog the covers.
30. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
31. He does not just want to be friends.
32. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer was good enough for Marie, and things began to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her genital area. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we ve been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn t be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee, and the other's in your oatmeal."
A group of Rednecks celebrated in a bar. "94 days!" they hooted, "94 days!!!" They continued all through the night, slapping each other on the back and drinking everything in sight. "94 days!!!"
The bartender was pleased with the increase in sales but puzzled by the meaning of their yells.
"94 days!!!!" they slurred boastfully.
Finally, the bartender managed to pull one aside and asked, "This is quite a celebration."
"Sure is," the Redneck swayed, "we did it in 94 days."
"Did what?" the bartender probed.
"We put the puzzle together in 94 days." the Redneck beamed back.
"That must have been quite a challenge."
"It sure was," the Redneck boasted, "on the end of the box it said 5 to 7 years."
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull."
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"I've gotta pee" = Get out of the way.
"I've gotta GO" = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Good morning." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"See you later." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
"Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"
While shopping:
"Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
"That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.
From: The Supreme Commander, Next Level
To: Heaven's Gate Personnel
Due to extensive tail winds caused by the comet HALE-BOPP, the pickup of the 39 passengers has been delayed until the year 2224 when we pass by the planet Earth again.
DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME
--repeat--
DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING...
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Monday, May 19th, 1997.
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