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BE MY GUEST --- New lyrics by: John P. Daly and Scott Danby
Be my guest
Put my service to the test
Wrap your legs around my waist Cherie
And I will do the rest
Menage a trois, 69
Without your clothes you look just fine
Try the white stuff, it's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask Da bitches
They can scream, they can moan
When I give them all the bone
Cuz a screwing here is never 2nd best!
Come on unzip my pants
Then take a look, a glance
Be my guest!
I'm the best!
Be my love
Be my slave
Let's kick back and watch some Dave
I'll prepare
Extraordinaire
And then I'll spelunk in your cave
We're alone and you're scared
But the bedroom's all prepared
No one's ever been complaining
Cuz I'm always entertaining
I sell smokes, you turn trix
I'm the Dick to end all Dicks!
Lick me, bite me, suck me, blow me, give me head
You're such a nice young lass
Come on and shake your ass
If you're stressed
It's my love spear I suggest
I'm the best
Life is disconnecting
To a flirter who's not flirting
He's not whole without a soul
To jump upon
Ah those good old days when I was fruitful
Tonight we'll be fruitful until dawn
Three weeks it's been missing
Needing so much more than kissing
Needing exercise, a chance to use my skill
Most days I just jerk off in the bathroom
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walk in and I go crazy
It's a guest!
Sakes alive she's got a chest
Wine's been poured
And I've been bored
Gosh I'd love to stroke her breast
With dessert she'll want me
With some luck we'll make it three
While the bed starts in a-squeaking
I'll be coming, I'll be peaking
You'll get warm, piping hot
Heaven's sakes, is that a spot?
Clean it up, we want the company impressed.
I've got you to do
Was that one fuck or two?
For you my guest
She's my guest
My command is your request
It's been three weeks since
I've seen anybody's peaks
And I'm obsessed
You're a treat, you're a tease
Yes indeed I aim to please
Through the night we'll keep a-going
Pretty soon you'll be a glowing
Thrust by thrust
One by one
Till you shout "Enough, I've come"
Then I'll whisk you off to bed for oral sex
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
And I'll start to eat up
BE MY GUEST!
15> "How about a little Puck?"
14> "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."
13> "Et tu, Cutie?"
12> "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"
11> "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
10> "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"
9> "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
8> "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."
7> "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
6> "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!"
5> "Greetings to you, fair sailor."
4> "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"
3> "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"
2> "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me divine thy weight." and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare...
1> "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."
Little Red Riding Hood was prancing down the trail when she stumbled upon two furry wolf ears poking over a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have, Mr.Wolf!" she exclaimed.
With that, the wolf jumped up and scampered down the trail out of sight.
L'il Red continued down the trail for a while longer and noticed the wolf's snout jutting past another tree trunk.
"My, what large teeth you have, Mr. Wolf" said Red.
The wolf jumped up and again ran down the trail, out of sight. Li'l Red was puzzled by the wolf's shy nature, and kept goin' down the path. Further down the trail she saw the wolf's eyes peeking over a shrub.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf replied, "Fuck OFF, can't you see I'm trying to take a shit!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornification!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!
"The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasions"
The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"!
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.
After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling! Take me to your leader!"
The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent.
Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain:
"Report."
"I contacted an earthling - he would not cooperate."
"Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself."
"Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble."
The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader."
The gas pump remained unresponsive.
"Very well." The captain drew his blaster. "If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three."
ZZZZZT. WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over teakettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him.
"Quickly! Make ready to depart!"
"Yes sir. What happened sir?"
"I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully."
"Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."
"How did you know that there would be trouble?"
"Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around his feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one bad bastard."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Thursday, March 20th, 1997.
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