Funny Jokes



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2nd Week of June 1997

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Johnny's Cavity Problems

Johnny's dad walks into the bathroom and sees Johnny scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush. His dad says, "What the hell are you doing son?"

Little Johnny says, "There's no way I'm getting a cavity like my sisters!!!"


The Genie & the Irishman

An Irishman was walking on the beach, when he tripped over something in the sand. He picked up what looked like a lamp, when he brushed it off to take a closer look and genie popped out.

"Oh thank you kind sir, I have been trapped in that little lamp for 10,000 years!! In my appreciation I'd like to grant you three wishes. What is you first wish?"

It being a very hot day, and he being an Irishman said, "I'd like a very, very icey cold beer, please".

In a nanosecond, the Irish Rover was standing there with a pint of icy cold beer. He took a huge draught completely emptying the glass, but by the time he brought the glass down from his lips, the glass had refilled itself. He took another similar drink, and another, and another, and another. Each time the same thing happened. Obviously, this was a very special pint of beer.

"What's your next two wishes, Sahib". The genie said.

The Irishman looked at the genie and said, "If it's all the same to you, I'll take two more of these please."


Love-Making

A French man, an American and a Swiss were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Oh yeah? Last night I made love to my wife six times," the American responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Swiss remained silent, the Frenchman smuggly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the American arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

The Swiss replied: "Don't stop."


Together at Last

Two women were attending a funeral of a friend who had been married 11 times.

One sighed and said, "They're together at last."

"Which husband are you talking about?", the other asked.

The other replied, "None of her husbands. I mean her legs!"


Changing the Tire

Father Tommy was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire.

Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage. Luckily, a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle. The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful and well-bulit man.

"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"

"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."

The stranger answered, "Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."

And without skipping a beat, the stranger picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other. "Why don't you get the spare from the trunk Father?"

"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Tommy. The priest rolled the spare around to the strongman who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.

"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.

"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's cunt."

"Hmmmm..." mused Father Tommy with a weird look in his eye.

As he looked to the stranger, he said: "I'd better get the wrench."


Virgin Personal Ad

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been sexually involved with a woman because she is a virgin.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled into one corner. "What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman." he says, "But if you're anything like a kangaroo...we're gonna need all the room we can get!"


Dog in Heat

A little five year old wanted to take his dog for a walk so he asked his mom, "Mom can I take the dog for a walk?"

His Mom said, "No you can't take the dog for a walk, she is in heat."

So he and the dog go down stairs and he asks his grandma, "Grandma can I take the dog for a walk?"

Grandma says, "No you can't take the dog for a walk, she is in heat."

So he and the dog go outside to the garage where grandpa is. Grandpa asks, "Why are you so sad?"

"Because I want to take the dog for a walk but I can't because she is in heat."

Grandpa says, "Just a minute" then goes over to the gas can and wets a rag with gas and wipes the dogs behind. "There, now you can take the dog for a walk and you won't have any problem."

A little while later the boy returns without the dog and grandpa asks, "Where is the dog?"

"Oh", the boy says, "She ran out of gas down the block, and the neighbor's dog is pushing her home!"


Golf Psychology

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a psychologist and offered to help ease his pain.

"Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She said, "The pain is all in your mind, if something pleasant distracts you from the pain, it won't hurt anymore. Trust me."

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. She stroked his penis up and down for about 10 minutes until the man had an orgasm.

"There... does that feel better?", she asked while wiping her hands off with a kleenex.

"Oh yeah.... It feels much better now.", he replied,

"But my thumb still hurts like hell!"


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