Funny Jokes

A man says to his friend, "Can I ask you a big favour?" Being the good friend he is, he complies. The man continues, "I'm getting married next week and I'm still a virgin. What am I going to do on my honeymoon night?"

The friend asks what he could help with. He says, "Well, what I had planned was for you to rent a room next to ours in the hotel and you could yell instructions to me through the walls."

The friend replies, "I guess I could do that."

On the night of the honeymoon everything was as planned, and the couple were preparing for the nights events. The husband entered the bathroom to ready himself, just then the bride has the urge to take a shit, for fear of turning her husband off she looks for a place to relieve herself. Finding no other options, she pulls a shoe box from the closet and relieves herself in the box. She then climbs into bed and awaits her husbands return.

The husband finishes what he did in the bathroom, and goes to put his suit away in the closet, but as he opened the box for his shoes he found a lump of crap inside.

The man screamed, "Hey, there's shit in this box!"

Then a voice was heard from the next room explaining, "Turn her over you've got her on the wrong side!"

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

The accountant says, "No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

The woman says, "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

Two Indians walk into a gay bar and order a drink. As they are sitting there a gay man comes over to them and asks one of the Indians if he wants a blow job.

The Indian freaks out, and beats the shit out of gay man, and returns to his seat.

His buddy asks, "What did that guy say to you to get you so upset?"

The Indian says, "I don't know exactly, I think that racist bastard was trying to offer me job!"

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you" said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, the guy complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although leery about the turn of events,the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, the guy dances around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advises the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so he complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams it up the patients ass. The doctor says, "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head. Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.

After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man drops his pants and bends over. Up goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass.

Then a little head pokes out the patients ass saying, "WHERE'S MY COOKIE!!!"

**WHAM**

This trucker is driving on the highway, delivering chickens in the back. And he's got one of those talking parrots, sitting on his shoulder. So he's driving, and suddenly he sees this beautiful woman, hitchhiking at the side of the road.

Obviously, he stops the semi-trayler, and lets her up. After a minute or two of driving, the trucker turns to the woman, and asks: "Ok, when do we fuck ?"

The woman goes: "WHAT ??!!"

The trucker says: "Lady - when do we fuck ? No fuck - no ride !"

So the woman says:"No problem, mister - stop the truck and let me out". The trucker stops the truck, and lets her out, and keeps on driving.

Apparently, the parrot is very amused by this, and starts shouting: "NO FUCK NO RIDE NO FUCK NO RIDE NO FUCK NO RIDE"

After a while, the trucker grabs the parrot by the neck, looks him in the eyes, and says: "Listen you little prick, if you shout 'no fuck no ride' ONE more time, I'm throwing you in the back with the chickens !!!" So the parrot gulps, and shuts up. But you know parrots, and this one was an especially loud one - the parrot obviously can't resist it's urge, and finally bursts, shouting "NO FUCK NO RIDE NO FUCK NO RIDE." The trucker takes the parrot, and throws it in the back with the chickens.

After about half an hour of driving, a police motorcycle signals the trucker to pull over. The trucker opens the window, and asks: "What's wrong, officer? Was I speeding?"

So the policeman says: "No, you weren't speeding, but there's a parrot in the back of your truck, throwing chickens out onto the road and shouting 'no fuck no ride'."

Two guys are golfing, but are being held up by two really slow women playing ahead of them.

After a few hours of waiting, the first guy says to the other "Shit Tom, I'm going up there and get those two to let us play through." And up he goes. He gets about halfway to them, then turns around and walks quickly back to his buddy.

"Tom!" he says, "You go up and do it. That's my wife and mistress playing up there!"

Surprised, Tom says, "Wow, you have a mistress too? You should see mine, I'll tell you about her later." Tom starts walking towards the women, gets about halfway to them, then turns around and walks quickly back to his buddy.

Grinning sheepishly, Tom says "Small world, isn't it Fred!"

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and..."

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaks the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet, daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got into bed, and Daddy got on top of her and they did what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last week-end."

A young attractive lady walks into the Doctor's office for an examination. The doctor asks her to undress and as she does he notices this big red H on her chest and when he inquires about it, she says: "Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he is so proud that he always wears his sweatshirt, even when we're having sex. The H from his sweatshirt sorta left an imprint on my chest.

The doc says: "Oh, I see." He eventually forgets about it.

A couple weeks later another young lady comes in for an exam and as she undresses, and he notices a big blue Y on her chest and again he inquires, to which she responds: "Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he is so proud he wears his sweatshirt, even during sex. The Y from his sweatshirt sorta left an imprint on my chest.

Now the doctor thought this was getting odd but he eventually forgot about it.

Then a few weeks later another young beautiful woman comes in for an exam and as she undresses he sees a big green W on her chest.

So he asks, "Do you have boyfriend that goes to Wisconsin?"

The young woman replies: "No, I don't have a boyfriend, but I have a girlfriend, actually, she's my roommate and a very good friend, and she goes to Michigan. Why do you ask?"

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