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2 priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly pulled over by a Policeman who said:
"What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"
The priests say:
"Don't worry my son. Jesus is with us."
The Policeman says:
"In that case I have to book you. 3 people are not allowed to ride in a motorcycle."
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. (That's right: fourteen years of toil for a woman.)
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people.
-- Jesus (Revelation 15?)
So a Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are in the bar. Suddenly the Jewish guy punches the Chinese guy one and the Chinese guy says "What the hell was that for?" and the Jewish guy says "That was for bombing Pearl Harbour." The Chinese guy says "The Chinese didn't bomb Pearl Harbour, the Japanese did!" and the Jewish guy says "Chinese, Japanese, you're all the same."
A few minutes later the Chinese guy punches the Jewish guy and says "That was for sinking the Titanic!" and the Jewish guy says "You idiot, Jews had nothing to do with it! That was an iceberg!" and the Chinese guy says "Iceberg, Goldberg, you're all the same..."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe asigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this shit!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completlely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. Then utter quietly "You wanna fuck?"
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to yourown life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave..
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough.. Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate and moan loudly.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the fucking deal here? And who the fuck are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her..
"How was your blind date last night?" the young woman asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up behind the wheel of his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car! What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Kim and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Lesbian Barbie: Comes in a package with Kim, both dolls fit perfectly in a 69 position.
Nightstalker Barbie: Comes with bloody knife, night-vision goggles, black gloves and ski-mask.
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so,""Dang, get outta my face bitch," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condesending White people.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Vulgar Barbie: Screams out "Fuck You!", "Fuck This Shit!" and "Kiss My Ass Bitch!" every two minutes.
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous breast and butt, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Ken and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. She replied, "You're going to die!"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, February 11th, 1997.
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