Funny Jokes

When I was a young minister, fresh out of the seminary, I had the honor of presiding over the wedding of a lovely young couple. At the reception afterward the blushing bride pulled me aside and asked if I could answer a question.

"Certainly," I replied.

"Father, could you tell me the Church's position on fellatio"

To which I replied, "I'd be happy to tell you the Church's position on fellatio, but unfortunately I don't even know what fellatio is."

So she proceeded to show me by giving me a blow job.

Now when I'm approached by young brides who ask me what the Church's position on fellatio is I tell them, "I'd be happy to tell you the church's position on fellatio, but unfortunately I don't even know what fellatio is."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re-incarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh." "So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a lil'bit sheepish.

"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"

Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh,heh...!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.

So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid.

"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"

"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.

Dracula became a Whisper tampon.

A man was walking down the street when he noticed a sign over a bar announcing 'Free Beer For Anyone Who Can Pass The Test'. The man went into the bar, and asked the barman for the details of this test.

"Well," said the barman, "It has three stages: first of all, we have a bottle holding a gallon of pepper tequila back here. You have to drink the whole lot down in one gulp, but you aren't allowed to make a face. second, we have a crocodile out back who has a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Thirdly, we have a woman in a bedroom upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You have to make things right for her."

The man thought for a moment, and then replied "I'm sorry but not only is the first part of that test completely ridiculous, they just get worse from there !". Anyway, the man stays for a few beers. Ten beers later, he stumbles up to the bar. "Right, where's this tequila ?!!". The barman hands him the bottle of pepper tequila which he drinks down in a gulp, but, eyes streaming, doesn't make a face. He stumbles out to the back of the bar, and the other customers hear a frightening roaring sound come from the back, followed by splatting sounds, and the rending of muscle and material. The man comes back into the bar, clothes ripped, covered in blood, and says "Right. Where's this woman with the sore tooth ?!!"

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. "Watch this," he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. "May I help you, sir?"

The man replied, "I just moved into my first house and I need some fertilizer for my lawn."

So the supervisor said, "Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertilizer. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag."

"Why is that?"

"The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won't," the supervisor answered.

"Fine, " the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder."

"Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?"

"Rake? What do I need that for?"

"Well sir," said the supervisor authoritatively, "if you don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertilizer, it won't all reach the soil."

"All right then. I'll get the stiff rake."

"Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?"

The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, "Sprinkler? Look, just came in here for some fertilizer. What do I need a sprinkler for?"

Calmly, the supervisor responded, "Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilizing, the fertilizer will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood."

This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. "OK, then. I'll take all this."

"Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that, "asked the supervisor.

Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. "LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertilizer. You've already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!"

Calm as ever, the supervisor said, "Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to need it either way."

Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. "Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but that's it!"

"Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you."

After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said,"So, do you think you could do that?"

The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer.

The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, "May I help you sir?"

The man replied, "Yes. I need some tampons for my wife."

Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! "Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?"

"Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons.

Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?"

"Well sir, " the trainee answered, "I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

A couple went to mass and took confession. the husband went into the confessional and said " forgive me father for i have sinned." the father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied " while my wife was bending over the freezer, i had a lustful thought and had my way with her. the priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. the priest told him to say three hail mary's and be on his way.

Next the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer, her husband had his way with her. the priest asked her how long she had been married. she replied that it was three years now. the priest tried to explain that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three hail mary's and think no more of it.

As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church. "banned from the church?! whatever gave you that idea?" the priest queried. "well" she said, " they banned us from the supermarket!"

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