This webpage has been viewed times.
*********************************
Three pregnant women are knitting new clothes for their forthcoming spawn.
First one says "I hope mine is a boy because I am making a blue outfit."
Second says "I hope mine is a girl because I am making a pink outfit."
Third one says "I hope mine is mutated because I fucked up the arms."
ALABAMA: Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?
ALASKA: Come, freeze your butt off
ARIZONA: Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds
ARKANSAS: At least we're not Mississippi
CALIFORNIA: The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state
COLORADO: Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny
CONNECTICUT: Way too close to New York
DELAWARE: You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it
FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US
GEORGIA: Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome
HAWAII: Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Selik, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed
IDAHO: Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"
ILLINOIS: Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA: Home of David Letterman
IOWA: Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell
Idiots Out Wandering Around
KANSAS: Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat
KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville
LOUISIANA: Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you
MAINE: For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here
MARYLAND: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us
MASSACHUSETTS: Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...
MICHIGAN: Land of the free, home of the Buick
MINNESOTA: Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada
MISSISSIPPI: We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?
MISSOURI: Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.
NEBRASKA: More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north
NEVADA: More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont
NEW JERSEY: You have the right to remain silent,
You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya
NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell
NEW YORK: At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes
NORTH CAROLINA: Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina
NORTH DAKOTA: The OTHER South Dakota
OHIO: Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell
OKLAHOMA: We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
OREGON: As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal
Free lub job with oil change
RHODE ISLAND: Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
SOUTH CAROLINA: Just south of North Carolina
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper
TEXAS: Si Hablo Ingles
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!
UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk
VERMONT: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
VIRGINIA: Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
WASHINGTON: We like our state, so STAY OUT!
WEST VIRGINIA: Where "family values" has a different meaning
WISCONSIN: Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"
WYOMING: Where men are lonely and sheep are scared
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one things leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!!"
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The French says, "I take ze sword. The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" runs himself through.
The English says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled but he shrugs, and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO! JESUS CHRIST,GO!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Two guys are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." They are both curious. The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain.
Driver: "What does 'College of Logic' mean?"
Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Driver: "Yes, I do."
Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."
Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."
Driver: "I have a very big house."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."
Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Driver: "Yes Sir, straight as a board. I think I understand what this school is all about. Thank you for your time."
When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks, "So, what's the school of logic all about?"
Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a lawnmower?"
Passenger: "No."
Driver: "Then you're a Homo."
18> By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
17> Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
16> Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
15> References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
14> Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
13> Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
12> Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
11> Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
10> Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
9> Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
8> Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
7> More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
6> Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
5> A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
4> Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
3> Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
2> Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party...
1> All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
____________________________________________________________________
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parents' bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself,
"Boy, and mom gets mad at me for sucking my THUMB!!!"
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at
Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, January 14th, 1997.
This free homepage was provided by GeoCities.
Copyright @ 1997 Robokev Inc. All Rights Reserved