Funny Jokes



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2nd Week of August 1997

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St. Peter and the 3 Nuns

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.

St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"

1st nun : "Adam and Eve"

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"

2nd nun : "An apple"

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun.

St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!


Pulled Over

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth bitch!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."


Farting Problem

An old man came into his doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mr. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mr. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! AT LEAST they are still SOUNDLESS. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mr. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"


Yo momma so nasty...

Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.

Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!

Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down.

Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.

Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left.

Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave.

Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.

Yo momma so nasty that her shit is glad to escape.

Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off.

Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo momma so nasty lice consider her a great vacation place.

Yo momma so nasty she was declared quarentine since before she was born

Yo momma so nasty her middle name is "Wretched".

Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma.

Yo momma so nasty the bitch's teeth look like she got jumped by the Cavity Creeps!!!

Yo momma so nasty she has two pussys and they both stink.

Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea.

Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her.


Q & A & Other Assorted Delights

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends...

Q. What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

A. They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

A. Because they won't stop and ask directions...

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

A. Men usually miss them...

Q. What do men and tile floors have in common?

A. If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years...

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants"

Woman: " No thanks...There's already one asshole in there"

Him: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?"

Her: "Because you're never home when it happens"

The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done?"

The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"


Another Heaven's Gate Joke

1 more Heaven's Gate member found!

"40th Body Found"

Apparently one of the less astute members of the cult was found under the kitchen sink, behind the Comet.


Forehead

A man and his wife are newlyweds and have been living together for a short period of time. One day the man comes home from work and the wife says, "Honey, you know the bathroom in the den, well the plumbing went out. Can you fix it?"

The man looked at his wife and said, "What, do I look like I have plumber written across my forehead?"

Well, he never fixed it and a few weeks later he came home from work and his wife said, "Honey, the electricity in the bedroom went out, can you fix it?"

The man looked at his wife and once again said, "What, do I look like I have electrician written across my forehead?"

Well, like before, he never fixed it and a few weeks later he came home from work and his wife said, "Honey, there's a leak in the roof in the dining room, can you fix it?"

The man looked at his wife and said, "What, do I look like I have carpenter written across my forehead?"

Well, he never fixed it and a few weeks later he came home and everything was fixed! So he asked his wife, "How come everything's fixed?"

She replied, "Oh, our nice new neighbor John came over. He said he would fix everything if I either made him a nice, home-cooked breakfast or slept with him."

So the man said, "Well, what'd you make him?"

The wife replied, "What, do I look like I have Betty Crocker written across my forehead?"


LAPD, FBI, & CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'


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