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Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, Father."
"Was it Ann Brown?" "No, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks,
"What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said, "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said, "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught". The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said, "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it". While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said, "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught". The monsignor said, "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said, "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish." So the monsignor said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish", And mother superior said, "I cleaned the goddamn fish", And the monsignor said, "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest having supper with them for the first time said, "I like this fucking place already!"
These two drunken cowboys are riding the fence line in Montana looking for downed wire. They come upon a lamb caught in bad wire. One of the cowboys gets down, unbuckles his belt, proceeds to have sex with the lamb.
Looking up at his drunken friend with him, he says, "Say, would you wanna try this?"
"I might," he says, "but do I have to put my head in the barbed wire?"
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
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Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise, the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other twenty-five I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and >explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly >get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only twenty-five dollars. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned.
"Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgement not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer's response was this:
"Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did make improvements such as described by my opponent; however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgement be granted."
She got it!
A businessman called home to speak to his wife. The maid answered. When she was evasive about the whereabouts of his wife, the businessman threatened to fire her.
"Ok", said the maid. "She's upstairs, in bed with your partner."
The man was enraged. "Do you know where the gun is? Where the bullets are? Shoot them both!"
The maid went off. Shots were heard.
"Did you shoot them?" he asked when she returned.
"Yes," said the maid. "And I threw the gun in the pool."
The businessman was silent for a few seconds.
"Pool? Oh shit, is this 765-4321 ?"
As he cross-examined the coroner, the defense attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
"Oh? Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate," the attorney asked with a smirk, "you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
"Let me put it this way," the badgered coroner replied. "The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But..." he added, "I guess that he could still be out there practicing law somewhere."
The Perfect Day According to HER :
8:45 *Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 *5lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 *Light Breakfast
11:00 *Sunbathe
12:30 *Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 *Shopping
2:30 *Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 *Facial, massage, nap
7:30 *Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 *Make passionate love... then cuddle
11:30 *Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day According to HIM :
10:00 *Wake Up
10:02 *Oral Sex
10:10 *Big Breakfast
11:30 *Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 *Enormous lunch
3:15 *More Oral Sex
3:25 *Play sports with the guys
4:30 *Drink beer with the guys
5:30 *Meet Claudia Schiffer or Cindy Crawford
5:40 *Somemore Oral Sex
6:50 *Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 *Get Down, animal sex... ram like animals
11:10 *Sleep the night away
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison mouse tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, and he screams, "What a bunch of pussies, you call yourselves tough mice?" He gets up, and starts walking away.
The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "So where the hell are you going tough guy?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, May 6th, 1997.
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