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This man turns 65 and wants to go down to apply for social security. He calls and gets a list of what he needs to bring down to the office. He finds all the paperwork he needs except his birth certificate which appears to be lost forever. But he goes down anyway and comes back and tells his wife that he got his first check!
She says, "How did you do that?"
He tells her: "I just unbuttoned him shirt and showed them all the grey hair on my chest and they believed me."
She says: "Why didn't you unzip your fly and apply for disability while you were there too!"
Why do blondes not like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that little packet.
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they are the easier they are to pick-up.
What's the mating call of a blonde?
I'm soooooooo drunk!
What's a brunettes mating call?
Is that blonde bitch gone yet!
Why does a blonde have T.G.I.F. written in her shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
That's where you wash your vegetables.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
How do you get a blondes eyes to light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?
A brain tumor.
What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
You get to park in the handicapped zones.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
Tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.
If a blonde and a brunette both jumped of a building at the same time, who would land first?
The brunette...the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
Two blondes were walking along and came to some tracks. One blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They where still arguing when the train hit them.
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Five, one to stir the batter and four to peel the M&M's
How do you keep a blonde secretary busy?
Give her a bag full of M&M's and tell her to file them alphabetically.
Why aren't blondes aloud to take breaks at work?
They have to be retrained.
Why don't blondes like vibrators? They're afraid it might chip their teeth.
What do you call 12 blondes holding hands in a circle?
A dope ring!
What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Once on their backs they're both fucked.
What do you call a group of blondes in a circle with their heads together?
A wind tunnel.
Why can't you teach a blonde how to drive?
Because every time you put the car in park, she jumps in the backseat.
Why doesn't a blonde turn the light bulb when she is replacing it?
Because the world is spinning around her.
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
Thanks for the refill!
Why did the man trade his blonde wife in for an outhouse?
Because the hole was smaller and the smell better.
What does a blonde say after having sex?
Are all you guys on the same team?
What's the first thing a blonde does when she gets up in the morning?
Goes home.
What is a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
"Hump Me, Dump Me"
What do you call two blondes, naked, standing on their heads?
Two brunettes.
How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
Opens the car door.
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last years "hide-and-seek" winner.
Why do Blondes wear Pony-Tails?
To hide the Air Valve!
How do you know when a blonde has been at the computer?
There's white out all over the screen.
Why did the blond have a sore belly button?
Her boyfriend was also blonde.
What's the difference between a blond and a brick? When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
How do you confuse a blond?
Put her in a curricular room and tell her to pee in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? Tells you she did it.
What does a blonde an a computer have in common?
You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.
How do you change a blondes mind?
Blow in her ear.
What do you call a blond with a dollar on her head?
All you can eat under a buck.
What is the similarity between a smart blond, Santa and the tooth fairy?
They are all make believe.
Why did the blond climb on the roof?
She heard that drinks were on the house.
What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
Play ball.
How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
What do you call a blond with a half brain?
Gifted.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... blondes will screw anything.
What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?
Bonds mature blondes don't.
How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied?
Who cares.
Why do blondes rub their eyes when they wake up?
They don't have balls to scratch.
How are blondes and parking spaces alike?
All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
How is a blonde different than a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.
How are a blondes like spaghetti?
They squirm when you eat them.
What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of a pool?
An air bubble.
What do you call 10 blondes in a row?
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Why is a blondes brain pea sized in the morning?
It swelled.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial intelligence.
What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?
The more you bang them the looser they get.
Did you hear about the blonde who broke her arm?
She was raking leaves when she fell out of the tree.
How is a blonde like a doorknob?
Everybody gets a turn.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Why did the blonde get fired from the "M & M" factory?
She threw out all the ones with "W's".
What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?
A thought.
Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Red means stop.
What is the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoe's off before you get on a trampoline.
A dumb blonde a smart blonde and Santa Claus jump off of a bridge, who makes the bigger splash?
The dumb blonde because the others don't exist.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
One's a busy ditch.
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin... however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough everytime your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days he decides to take the dog and reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: "I'll never be that desperate."
So, a few weeks later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself.
This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy starts to get really pissed at the dog. He wants to hit the dog, but the dog is always able to run away in time.
Then one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her.
She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want."
He says, "Anything?"
She replies, "Anything!!"
He says, "OK, hold that fucking dog for ten minutes!"
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on engineers. All their organs are logically ordered and color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on managers. They're heartless, spineless, and gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."
Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Monday, September 8th, 1997.
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