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15> You've seen that same quarter three times.
14> The powder on your fingers sets off the airport metal detector.
13> You're actually attempting to borrow money against the possibility that Bob Redford will want to sleep with your wife.
12> Your name is H. Ross Perot, and you just lost the entire State of Texas at the roulette wheel.
11> You start calling every black guy you see "Huggybear."
10> Between the showgirls and the slot machines, your right arm looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger's, and your left arm looks like Arnold Horshack's.
9> You've started to think LeRoy Neiman is tasteful.
8> You can now tell time based on which dealers are working.
7> Your week just isn't complete until Rip Taylor showers you with confetti.
6> They used to throw you panties from Victoria's Secret when you performed, but today they're more like Queen Elizabeth's secret.
5> You've got yourself one nasty case of neon burn.
4> The hookers you date begin looking less and less like Elizabeth Shue, and more and more like Elizabeth Dole.
3> You find yourself walking out of the $1.99 Circus Circus breakfast buffet with scrambled eggs dripping from both pockets and a slab of bacon warming your crotch.
2> You got 10 grand for your daughter last week; you're not so optimistic about your son.
and the Number 1 Sign You've Been in Vegas Too Long...
1> Siegfried still leaves you cold, but you're beginning to think that Roy is one hot potato.
There was an old-married couple swinging on their porch. They swung for a while, then suddenly the old woman punched her husband as hard as she could. He went flying down the porch steps.
He got up, dusted himself off and said,"What the hell was that for?!" "That was for 50 years of bad sex!" was her reply.
He sat down and they swung a little bit more. Then suddenly the old man punched his wife as hard as he could.
She got up, dusted herself off, and asked, "What the hell was that for?!"
Came the reply: "That's for knowing the difference bitch!"
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Slowly, the man starting leaning to his left.
The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"I don't know." he said. "They won't let me fart."
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?!?!?!?!?"
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Where are your pants?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!"
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, November 7th, 1997.
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